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Thanks to AB: NOTICE FROM CARNIVAL CRUISE LINES
Afghanistan Cruise
We at Carnival Cruise Lines didn't forget that a lot of entertainers had promised to leave the country if George W. Bush became President. With that in mind we have a Special Offer for those who still want to keep their promise.
Attention
Would
Alec Baldwin
Rosie O'Donnell
Ed Asner
Whoopi Goldberg
Cher
Phil Donahue
Rob Reiner
Barbara Streisand
Jane Fonda
Pierre Salinger
and anyone else who made that promise, please dispose of all US assets, and report to Florida for the sailing of the Funship Cruise "Elation" which has been commissioned to take you to your new vacation homes in Afghanistan. You may opt at no extra charge to be dropped off in Somalia or Iraq.
The Florida Supreme Court will sponsor a Farewell Parade in your honor through Palm Beach, Broward, and Miami-Dade counties prior to your cruise.
Please pack for an extended stay . . . at least four more years.
Note: Since you advocate strict gun control you may
not bring any weapons.
Staffing your voyage is:
Bill Clinton
captain
Al Gore
cruise director
Monica Lewinsky
recreation director
Ted Kennedy
lifeguard/emergency procedures director
Ex-Congressman Gary Condit
as intern coordinator
If you have any questions about making arrangements for your homes, friends, and loved ones, please direct your comments to Senator Hillary Clinton. Her village can raise your children while you're gone, and she can watch over all your money and your furnishings until you return. Bon Voyage!
Is this a great country or what!
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Thanks to marti -- Stop the Insanity! We are NEXT!
We must stop this immediately!
Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are?
Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.
I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection........Well, REALLY NOW
-- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days.
Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such! small type that no one could ever find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities.
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Ten Ways You Know Your Internet Connection is A Little Slow
1. Text on Web pages displays as Morse Code.
2. Graphics arrive via FedEx.
3. You believe a heavier string might improve your connection.
4. You post a message to your favorite newsgroup and it displays a week later.
5. Your credit card expires while ordering online.
6. ESPN Web site exhibits "Heisman Trophy Winner"...for 1989.
7. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "PacMan".
8. Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump.
9. You receive e-mails with stamps on them.
10. When you click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out.
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Bear Warnings
While vacationing in Alaska, I couldn't help but notice all the warnings
about bears posted in campgrounds, visitor centers and rest areas
advising people not to feed the bears, how to avoid bears, what to do if a
bear sees you, what to do if a bear attacks, and so on.
My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door of a small gas
station in a remote area. It said: "Warning! If you are being chased by a
bear, don't come in here!"
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Family dinner was an enjoyable weekly ritual for us. Although my Mother was in her late 80's she certainly still had the ability to clearly say what was on her mind.
This was the first dinner on my sister's beautiful new dining room furniture. As we all sat enjoying good food and conversation Mom kept squirming in her chair. Finally, my sister asked, "Are you alright? Are you uncomfortable?"
Without looking up from her dinner Mom replied, "No, the chair is."
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My friend's wife insisted on some professional help in the garden, my friend, being the net-savvy dude that he is, searched Google for a qualified gardener and scheduled a meeting with the man at his Danville home. That person was given directions to the house via email and the meeting was set for 11 AM on Tuesday. At 8 AM my friend received a call from the gardener stating that he could not find the house, let alone the street name on the map he possessed.
"Ok, you know where the Burger King is?" My friend asked on the cell phone, "We're in the homes right behind there."
"Yea, I know the Burger King, but there is no Hartz Avenue at the intersection to turn left onto."
"Ok, which way are you heading, east or west on Danville Blvd?"
"Why, west I suppose."
"And you see the Burger King there on the right?"
"Yes."
"Ok, then just make a left there, that's Hartz Avenue."
A little perturbed, the gardener replied, "There is no street off to the left, it's a dead end."
"Are you sure you're in Danville?"
"Heck yea, I've lived round these parts all my life."
"You're not in San Ramon or something, are you?"
"There ain't no San Ramon round here. I came in from Shelby City."
"Where's Shelby City?"
"Why, it's in Kentucky.
Where the heck are you?"
There was a long pause and my friend answered, "California." And hung up.
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"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an 'odd' number." - Steven Wright
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Here is today's CleanPun.
If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one at:http://www.cybersalt.org/cleanlaugh/whatsagoober.htm
A goober was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation. Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"
The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."
"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."