Attainable New Year's ResolutionsThis year I resolve to...- Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.- Stop exercising. Waste of time.- Read less. Makes you think.- Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.- Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.- Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.- Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.- Buy a 1983 Cadillac ElDorado and invest in a really loud stereo system and get the windows tinted.- Buy some fur for the dash.- Not swim with piranhas or sharks.- Never make New Year's resolutions again.
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On a tour of Mammoth Cave in Kentucky, the guide stopped and addressed the
crowd. "Do you want to see what a real cave looks like?" he asked.
Of course, everyone said yes.
Without another word, he shut off all the lights.
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I was in the check-out lane of a grocery store when a sunny day suddenly
turned gray and rainy. "Wow! That was fast!" I commented, looking outside.
"Oh, you can't trust those weathermen," the young cashier said with a wave
of her hand. "They give you a different forecast every day."
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"I love my dentist. He has an X ray of his family in the waiting room." -
Robert G. Lee
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CleanQuote
"The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way."- Josh Billings
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Frozen TurkeysA lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
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Marine RecruiterServing as a Marine recruiter in western North Carolina, I found a young man who met all the requirements and was ready to enlist. I explained the importance of being truthful on the application and he began filling out his paper work.But when he got to the question: "Do you own any foreign property or have any foreign financial interests?" he looked up at me with a worried expression."Well," he confessed, "I do own a Toyota ."
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"I read this in the wall street journal today: The new trend
in Christmas cards this year are 'DVD cards' instead of a
letter about your family and what you did this year, you put
your yearly memories on a DVD which I really enjoy getting,
you know why? They make great coasters." --Jay Leno
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"But how about Christmas? It's exciting, isn't it? Isn't it?
I was up shopping at Bloomingdale's today and I was in the
elevator and they were playing Kenny G was playing in the
elevator and I gave him a nice tip." --Dave Letterman
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"Over 250 people got sick after eating at an Indiana Olive
Garden restaurant. People are afraid this will ruin Indiana's
reputation for fine Italian food." --Conan O'Brien
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A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a tramp
steamer to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom
instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel
of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a
heading, and the young fellow holds to it.
Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."
Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the
young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.
The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm
swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the
circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship
with you?"
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One morning while a locksmith had come to change the locks
in my house, I realized I had to run a few errands. I turned
to him, a sweet older man, and said I was heading out. As I
got to the front door, I noticed my sad-faced dog staring at
me from the living room. "I love you, sweet boy," I said.
"Now you be good. Okay?"
From the other room I heard a voice answer, "Okay."
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The Good Old Days
Vern and .T [otherwise known as Dottie\ were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when ,T turned to Vern and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" Vern looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile, .T pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" Vern leaned slowly toward .T and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek. Growing bolder still, .T said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Vern slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, .T said, "Honey, where are you going?" Vern replied, "To get my teeth!"
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Twelve Things You Probably Didn't Know You Could Do With A Fruitcake
1. Paint a few white and place them outside on the grass so
people won't park on your lawn.
2. Use it as building material. (This is actually what the
Ancient Egyptians used to build the Great Pyramids.)
3. Keep one under your pillow for home defense.
4. Send one to the junk mail company with a note asking them
to take you off their list.
5. It's colorful, use it as a Yule Log.
6. Carve the Presidents' faces in it and submit as a science
or art project.
7. Give one to your boss and tell him it's a life preserver.
8. Use it as a base for flower arrangements.
9. Donate to the local airport for use as airliner wheel
blocks.
10. Grind a few up and give it back to your in-laws in a bag
marked "lawn fertilizer."
11. For a community project, sink a few in the ocean and
build an artificial reef.
12. Tie one to each foot when you walk through deep snow to
keep your feet dry.
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Oneliner
Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf.
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"Tackle Box"
On her 15th birthday, my daughter opened a package from her mom and her sisters. Out came a beauty case containing many samples of makeup.
"Neat!" I exclaimed. "Your own tackle box!"
My wife calmly explained that it was NOT a tackle box; it was a beauty kit. My daughter proceeded to open it up and show us all the mascara, eye shadow, rouge, and other cosmetics.
At this point I leaned over to my wife and whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures."
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GraceOur son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions; when he typically would say a long prayer over the food.One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, Grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food. With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"
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If you haven't accomplished anything so far, then your best days are likely
to be ahead of you. But then, you should consider your track record.
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Animal Crackers
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
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Three old men
Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply. The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday" replies the second man. The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Well, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
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Puppy Love
My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new, expensive running shoes. I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, "My dog got hold of this." The repairman picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked. He looked at me and replied, "Give your dog the other shoe."
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Ways to Be Annoying
* Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register. * ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE. * Pay for your dinner with pennies. * Repeat everything someone says, as a question. * Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley. * Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. * At the laundry mat, use one dryer for each of your socks. * As much as possible, skip rather than walk. * Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read. * Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles. * Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it. * Name your dog "Dog." * Ask people what gender they are. * Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think." * Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
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School Visit
After delivering a speech at an elementary school, the president lets the kids ask a few questions. One little boy, Joe raises his hand and asks, “How come you invaded Iraq without the support of the United Nations?” Just as the president begins to answer, the recess bell rings and he says they’ll continue afterward. 25 minutes later the kids come back to class. “Where were we?” says the president. “Oh, yes... do you kids have any questions?” Another boy raises his hand and says, “I have three questions: First, why did you invade Iraq without support from the U.N.? Second, why did the recess bell go off 30 minutes early? And third, where is my buddy Joe?”
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An Interview With An 80-year-old Woman
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady
because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about
what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about
her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she
wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three
husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all
those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face
and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first
married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a
circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when
in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked
why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two
for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
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"Soft Seven"
A young man is paired up with a priest on the first hole at the golf course. When they make it to a long par three the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole son?"
The young man says, "An eight iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down."