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Jar 47
A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody.
Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr.
Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that
he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told
the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin',
so what are ya goin' to do?"
The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told
Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."
So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to
taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he
yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson,"
said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.
One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once
again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he
started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped
now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a
little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's......"
But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and
fled the room!
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An Old Farmer's Advice
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and
bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John
Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not
yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than
you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never
gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older
and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin'
you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain
dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to
do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have
to deal with, watches you from the mirror every
mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta
that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier
than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak
kindly. Leave the rest to God.
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Lion Attack
Two wildlife documentary film makers were filming a wild lion in Africa when they both noticed that the lion was about to attack them.
One of the men put down his camera and slowly began changing from his boots into a pair of running shoes. The other man saw this and said, "You know you can't outrun a lion don't you?"
The other man reply's "The way I see it, all I have to do is keep ahead of you and I'll be all right!"
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"My girlfriend is at that stage when her biological clock is telling her it's time for her to be making me feel guilty and immature." - Kevin Hench
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A Likely Story
One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral. "No problem," I told him. "Make it up the following week."
That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.
"You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted. "I can't keep postponing it."
"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me.
By now I was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" I asked.
"I don't know any of these people," he said. "I'm the only gravedigger in town."
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A lady is riding the subway, reading her Bible.
A man sitting next to her, seeming amused, asks her, "You
don't really believe what they say in there, do you?"
"Every word," she replied.
"OK," he asks, "how about the Noah story, the flood, the animals - do you believe that?"
"Absolutely," she said.
"What about God creating the universe in six days?"
"All true, I believe every word."
"What about Jonah - how could a man live for three days in
the belly of a whale?" he asks.
"Yes, I believe that too," she says.
"Well, how could that be - how did he breathe?"
" I don't know," she said. "When I get to Heaven, I'll ask him."
"What if he's not in Heaven," the guy asks.
The lady replies, "In that case, you can ask him!"
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ANNOYING THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR PREGNANT WIFE17. "I finished the Oreo's."16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby."14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever."13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl."12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit fromthat Richard Simmons fella."11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"7. "Get your *own* ice cream."6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."5. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."And the Number 1 Annoying Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant...1. "Got milk?"
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Turtle Ears
Tradition here in the office is to keep a notepad with the punch lines from
the various jokes that pass through.
I was flipping pages and found "Turtles have such tiny ears!"
I couldn't remember the joke. After searching everyone's memory banks, one
of the folks remembered:
"Why is turtle wax so expensive?"