Thursday, May 17, 2007

hUMOR For May 17th

Well Done
John was furious when his steak arrived too rare. "Waiter," he shouted, "Didn't you hear me say 'well done'?" "I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter. "I hardly ever get a compliment."

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The momentous question.
For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer. At long last he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the momentous question. "There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Bill began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows." To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's eyes. Then she nodded in agreement, "I think it's a wonderful idea! Can I help you pick out a puppy?"

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The Redhead
A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible", says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blonde." "I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

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For The Kids...
What happens if you draw on the blackboard and the teacher told you not to?She draws a smack! Who was the biggest thief in history?Atlas, he held up the whole world! Father: How were the exam questions?Son: EasyFather: Then why look so unhappy?Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers!

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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

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A very elderly gentleman, well dressed, hair well groomed, great-looking
suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of aftershave, presenting a
well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

To his delight, seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady. The gentleman
walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to
her, and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

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"A word to the wise does no good. It's the stupid people out there that need
the help." - Bill Cosby

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Ordering fast food
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.One night, a few co-workers at the computer data centre where I work stayed late and we all started to get hungry. We decided to order in food by phone, but our boss thought that, since we work with computers, it would be more appropriate to order by Internet. After we contacted a fast food chain's web site and spent a long time registering as new customers for the delivery service, a message appeared on the screeen: "Thank you for your business. You will be able to order food in three days."

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Find out about the cat
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.A chauffeur worked for a woman who took her cat with her on rides. During one trip, the driver droped her at a mall before he gasing up. The cat remained in the car, laying down on the top of the limousine's back seat.The service station's attendant often glanced at unusual passenger. Finally, he asked: "Sir, is that cat someone important?"

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Did you understand me?
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Working at a theater box-office ticket window poses many challenges in dealing with people.When a disgruntled customer at a window exclaimed, "No Tickets?" What do you mean NO TICKETS?"The women waiting on him smiled sweeting. "I'm terribly sorry, sir," she replied. "Which word didn't you understand?"

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Who drove that bus
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.In June a replacement bus driver hired by Greyhound during the drivers' strike met the bus he was to drive from Delaware to New York City. However, a passenger on the bus wound up driving to New York because the substitute driver could not drive a stick shift.

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Call us for assistance
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, 'Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?'The lady said, 'My phone doesn't have an eleven.'

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Converting to metric
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to metric. I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said:All signs metricNext 20 miles

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Fortune cookie mistake
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.On Saturday last, I had dinner at a local Chinese restaurant. My fortune read:"You will gain admiration from your pears."Comice? Bartlett? Canned? I don't grow or eat them, anyway.

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A new type of fraud
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.New York, NYPolice across the nation are warning people who wear pagers to be on the lookout for the latest scam.According to police, pagers in several states have been beeped by a number displaying a 212 area code (New York) and the prefix 540. When the victims return the call, they are charged $55 on their phone bill.The call the respondent makes has been electronically linked into a 900 "pay-per-call" system which allows the charge to be added to the phone bill."People will look at the number and say 'Gee, who is calling me from out of state? It must be important,'" said an investigator.
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Newspaper typing error
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.The following appeared on the back page of one of Australia's more outrageous computer publications, "Computing Australia", 21st Sept 1987: ... Blame it on the computer.An unfriendly computer has been held responsible for a "potentially lethal error" involving a Mafia loan collector.A New York paper inadvertently put the `heavy' in the running for a pair of custom-fitted concrete shoes when it identified him as a "ruthless informer".According to a published retraction (and apology!), a writer on the paper had actually typed "ruthless enforcer" - but the computer system's spelling checker liked it the other way.And I thought the worst you could expect from a "computer error" was a bill for a million dollars!