Jack's Will
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads
Jack's last will and testament:
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and one
million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my big Lexus and the
Jaguar. To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my
brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than
wealth, I leave my sun lamp."
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"Cub Reporter"
The newspaper editor was instructing the cub reporter in important details of his calling. "Never state as a fact anything you are not absolutely sure about," said the editor. "To avoid putting the paper in the position of stating something which it may not be able to prove, you should always use the words 'alleged,' 'claimed,' 'reputed,' 'rumored,' and so on, unless you know positively that everything is true as stated.
The cub was sent out to get society items, and soon thereafter the following paragraph appeared in the society column:
"It is rumored that a bridge party was given yesterday by a number of reputed ladies. Mrs. Smith, it is said, was hostess. The guests, it is alleged, with the exception of Mrs. Brown, who says that she comes from illinois, were all local people. Mrs. Smith claims to be the wife of Alexander Smith, who is rumored to be doing a thriving business in town."
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Today's Oneliner
"If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights."
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CleanPun - " Magician's School "
I went to Magician's School but flunked the final exam.
They were all trick questions.
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The scene: Alexander Graham Bell's laboratory.
An exciting new discovery is about to take place. Mr. Bell
and his assistant, a man named Watson, have been hard at
work on Bell's new invention to transmit sound over wires.
As Mr. Watson toiled away in the room with the receiver, he
suddenly hears ... ring, ring, ring .... then....
"Good evening, sir. Are you paying too much for your long
distance service?"
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"Disappearing Husband"
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.
"Yes," she replied readily. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."
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Big White Circles
Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the
lights a bit long and the protective shades I wore left a big white
circle around each eye.
Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look
like a clown."
I had almost convinced myself that I was overreacting until I got in
line at the grocery store. I felt a tug and looked down to see a
toddler staring up at me. He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"