Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle
Two priests were riding very fast on a motorcycle. They were promptly stopped by a policeman who said, "What do you think you are doing? What if you have an accident?" The priests say, "Don't worry, my son. Jesus is with us." The policeman says, "In that case, I have to book you. Three people are not allowed to ride on a motorcycle."
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Parking
I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!" The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."
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Tomatoes
A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer's garden. "I'll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine. "No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one." The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?" "Yes," replied the farmer, "I'll give you that one for two cents." "OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer's hand, "I'll pick it up in about a week."
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For The Kids...
Knock KnockWho's there?Brigham!Brigham who?Brigham back my sunshine back to me...! Knock KnockWho's there?Burns!Burns who?Durns me up!
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Walking into a lingerie store, a customer says to the clerk, "I'd like to
buy a pair of stockings for my wife."
The clerk asks, "Sheer?"
The man replies "No. She's in another store."
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Donald Ogden Stewart, the writer, had a son away at prep school. When the
boy reached the age of fourteen, Stewart wrote him the following letter:
"Dear son, now that you have reached the magic age of fourteen, the time has
come to tell you about the bees and flowers. There is a male and a female
bee, although I haven't the slightest idea which is which. As for the
flowers, we get ours from the Plaza Florist, Inc. Well, that takes care of
that.
Write soon,
Affectionately,
Father
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Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster.
Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
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THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW BUT PROBABLY DON'T
1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
3. The dot over the letter I is called a "tittle".
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and
down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
8. The 'spot' on 7 UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
13. Most lipstick contains fish scales--eeww!!!
14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830's as medicine.
16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
17. Leonardo Da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time, hence, multi-tasking was invented.
18. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
19. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
20. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan; there was never a recorded Wendy before!
21. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange, purple, and silver
22 Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors. Also, it took him 10 years to paint Mona Lisa's lips.
23. A tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion will make it instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
24. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was a Captain Kirk's mask painted white.
25. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)
26. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink in quicksand (and you thought this list was completely useless).
27. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law, which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb (now they tell me).
28. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles At that time,
the most known player on the market was the Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
29. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a piece
of celery than the celery has in it to begin with. It's the same with apples!
30. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
31. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
32. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
33. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages it.
34. George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O. J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the ONE woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and they haul her fanny off to jail."