Rools four RightersIf yore a groan reader, this is 4U & Jethro...
1.. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects. 2.. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with. 3.. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. 4.. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive. 5.. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.) 6.. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration. 7.. Be more or less specific. 8.. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary. 9.. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies. 10.. No sentence fragments. 11.. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used. 12.. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos. 13.. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 14.. One should NEVER generalize. 15.. Comparisons are as bad as clichés. 16.. Don't use no double negatives. 17.. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 18.. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 19.. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 20.. The passive voice is to be ignored. 21.. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas. 22.. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice. 23.. Kill all exclamation points!!! 24.. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them. 25.. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas. 26.. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed. 27.. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.” 28.. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole. Not one writer in a million can use it correctly. 29.. Puns are for children, not groan readers. 30.. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms. 31.. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 32.. Who needs rhetorical questions? 33.. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement. And finally... 34.. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
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Church SquirrelsHow to deal with pesky squirrels...
There were five country Churches in a small Texas town: Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist, Catholic and Jewish. Each Church was overrun with pesky squirrels.The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.In the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.The Methodist Church, after much prayer, decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back. The Catholic Church baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the Church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called 'circumcision', and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
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Robbie's MoveUsed to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move."It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."
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Two Gas Men
Two gas men were out checking meters in a residential neighborhood one day. They parked the truck at the end of the street and worked their way up the street. At the last house, a woman watched from her kitchen window as they checked her meter. Finally finishing their work, the older man, a supervisor, challenged the younger man, his trainee, to a race back to their truck, wanting to prove that an older man could still beat a younger man. They raced back to the truck, with the supervisor holding a lead, when they noticed that the woman from the last house was racing up behind them. They stopped until she caught up and asked what was wrong. As she gasped for breath, she said, "When I saw you two gas men running as hard as you could, I figured I'd better run too!"
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Blind Date
A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order. The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much. She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks, "What do you suggest I wash it down with?" "Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River."
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What the teacher says and (what the teacher means)
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test). 2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes). 3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met). 4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term). 5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away). 6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working). 7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument). 8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.(He's a bully). 9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond). 10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers). 11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.(He must have written the Whiner's Guide). 12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade). 13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).