WAYS TO TELL YOU'RE OVER THE HILL. YOU ARE OVER THE HILL WHEN....
You find your foot tapping along with accordion music.
You're sitting on a park bench one day and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
You light the candles on your birthday cake ... and a group of campers joins hands around it and begins singing "Kum By Yah."
Your insurance company sends you their calendar ... one month at a time.
You've noticed that gelatin desserts are a lot tougher to chew these days.
Your bed has more options than your car.
One of the throw pillows on your sofa is a hot water bottle.
It takes a couple of tries to get over speed bumps.
You discover that the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag," and "by cracky" have begun creeping into your vocabulary.
You hear yourself saying, "Why, I remember when...." more than three times a day.
You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
You look both ways before crossing a room.
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Lawnmower
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes.
When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
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Dangling Participles
(Culled from newspapers)
- The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair
weighing about 150 pounds.
- The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of
Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.
~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is
very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
- Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year,
outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
- The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old
that was trying to force feed it in his ear.
- We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the
cows playing Scrabble and reading.
- Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting
elephants armed only with spears.
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"Lost Ball"
My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.
Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.
When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.
"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"
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CleanQuote
The man who gives in when he is wrong ... is wise. The man who gives in when he is right ... is married.
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"Presence of God"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
One of my duties as church secretary is to answer the phone and refer calls. The telephone rang one day with an urgent caller on the other end. He needed to talk to the senior pastor.
I quietly opened his office door to find him praying. I returned to the phone and politely told the caller, "I'm sorry. He's in conference long distance."