"Job Search Jargon"
Whether you are a student looking for that first time or summer job or a long-time veteran looking for a change of pace, this JOB SEARCH JARGON should help you get on your way...
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37.5.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen and figure out what they want you to do.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.
CAREER-MINDED:
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.
SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED:
If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Quote
"Boredom is the feeling that everything is a waste of time; serenity, that nothing is."
- Thomas Szasz
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today's Illustration - "Judging Others"
Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.
Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.
Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.
Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.
Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity.
Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love.
(Featured Illustrations items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Lord,
Every single evening
As I'm lying here in bed,
This tiny little prayer
Keeps running through my head.
God bless all my family
Wherever they may be,
Keep them warm and safe from harm
For they're so close to me.
And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do,
Hope you don't mind me asking
Please bless my computer too.
Now I know that it's unusual
To bless a motherboard,
But listen just a second
While I explain it to you, Lord.
You see that little metal box
Holds more than odds and ends,
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my friends.
I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give,
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where they live.
By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you,
We share in what life brings us
And from that our friendships grew.
Please take an extra minute
>From your duties up above,
To bless those in my address book
That's filled with so much love.
Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend,
Bless each e-mail inbox
And each person who hits send.
When you update your Heavenly list
On your own CD-ROM,
Bless everyone who says this prayer
Sent up to GOD.com.
AMEN
Author unknown
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Worker Ants
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history
lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five
times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"
One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A young man was having some money problems, and needed
$200 to get his car fixed and road-worthy again. But
had run out of people to borrow from. So, he calls his
parents via the operator, and reverses the charge and
says to his father. "I need to borrow two hundred
dollars," he says.
At the other end, his father says, "Sorry, I can't
hear you, son, I think there may be a bad line."
The boy shouts, "Two hundred. I need two hundred
dollars!"
"Sorry, I still can't hear you clearly," says his
father.
The operator cuts in, "Sorry to butt in, But I can
hear him perfectly clearly."
The father says, "Good. YOU send him the money!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My boss wanted a "Clean Desk" policy, so he sent a
memo saying that any paper left on desks would be
removed at night and we would have to fill-out a form
to get it back.
So we left all our garbage paper on our desks every
night. In a week, the boss had an office full of
garbage and we never heard about the policy again.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert
bracelets. Someone asked her what the bracelet was
for.
She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs."
The person asked, "Are you allergic to cats?"
The girl said, "I don't know..... I don't eat cats."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Deer Hunt
Saturday
1:00 A.M. Alarm clock rings.
2:00 A.M. Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of
bed.
2:30 A.M. Throw everything but kitchen sink in camper.
3:00 A.M. Leave for deep woods.
3:15 A.M. Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 A.M. Drive like mad to get to woods before
daylight.
4:00 A.M. Set up camp-forgot the sleeping tent.
4:30 A.M. Head into woods.
6:05 A.M. See eight deer.
6:06 A.M. Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 A.M. "CLICK"
6:08 A.M. Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
8:00 A.M. Head back to camp.
9:00 A.M. Still looking for camp.
10:00 A.M. Realize you don't know where camp is. NOON
Fire gun for help-eat wild berries.
12:15 P.M. Ran out of bullets-eight deer come back.
12:20 P.M. Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 P.M. Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 P.M. Rescued and rushed to hospital to have
stomach pumped.
3:00 P.M. Arrive back at camp.
3:30 P.M. Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 P.M. Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 P.M. Load gun-leave camp again.
5:00 P.M. Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.
6:00 P.M. Arrive at camp, see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 P.M. Load gun and fire.
6:02 P.M. One dead pick-up truck.
6:04 P.M. Hunting partner returns to camp dragging
deer.
6:06 P.M. Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 P.M. Fall into fire.
6:10 P.M. Change clothes-throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 P.M. Take pick-up, leave partner and his deer in
the woods.
6:25 P.M. Pick-up boils over hole shot in block.
6:26 P.M. Start walking, stumble and fall, drop gun in
mud.
6:35 P.M. Meet bear and take aim.
6:37 P.M. fire gun-blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 P.M. Dirty my pants.
6:39 P.M. Climb tree.
9:00 P.M. Bear departs, I wrap gun around tree.
MIDNIGHT Home at last.
Sunday -- Following church services, watch ball game
on T.VS.., slowly tear hunting license into pieces,
place into envelope and mail to Game Warden promising
God never to hunt again.