Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Sept. 7 hUMOR

Bulletin Bloopers*
The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.
"Correction: The following typo appeared in our last bulletin: 'Lunch will be gin at 12:15.' Please correct to read '12 noon.' "
Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a minimal amount of training and time. The orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday night.
The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish. Meat and drinks will be furnished.
The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field trip to the state game farm. We could use some additional volunteers to help preparing the lunch of sandwiches, potato chips, cheese, crack, and cool aid that morning.
Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp. We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running order.
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Thank-You Notes

My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in Montana. She's
extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always types up
address labels for her postcards. This time, I figured I'd done her one
better. I boasted, "You'll be impressed. I've already written my thank-you
notes to everyone with whom I'll be staying.They're all stamped and ready
to go."

My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You mean those
little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?"

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Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its sexy lingerie.

To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown.

This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude. "I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20-something behind me.

"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."

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A man was sued by a woman for defamation of caracter. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man turned and looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
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Mathematical Miracles

One of the biggest mathematical miracles in the world centers on Moses and the people of Israel. Moses and the people of Israel were in the desert, but what was he going to do with them? They had to be fed, and feeding 3 or 3 1/2 million people would require a lot of food. According to the Quartermaster General of the Army, it is reported that Moses would have to have 1500 tons of food each day. Did you know that to bring that amount of food each day, two freight trains, each a mile long, would be required? Besides, you must remember, they were out in the desert, and they would have to have firewood to cook the food. This would take 4000 tons of wood and a few more freight trains, each a mile long, for one day. And just to think, they were forty years in transit. Oh, yes, they would have to have water. If they only had enough to drink and wash a few dishes, it would take 11,000,000 gallons each day, and a freight train with tank cars
11.8 miles long, just to bring water.

They had no lakes, and only a few wells. How were they to get water? And then another thing . . . ! They had to get across the Red Sea in one night. Now if they went on a narrow path, double file, the line would be 800 miles long and would require 35 days and nights to get through.

So, there had to be space in the Red Sea 3 miles wide so they could walk 5000 abreast to get over in one night.

But, then, another problem. . . . Every time they camped at the end of the day, a campground 2/3's the size of Rhode Island, or a total of 750 square miles, was needed. That comprises an area 25 miles wide and 30 miles long. Think of it! This space just for nightly camping.

Do you think Moses figured all this out before he left? Think not. You see, Moses believed in God, and that God was going to take care of these things for him. Let us take courage, we have the same God!

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THOUGHTS WORTH REPEATING...

Temptation is the tempter looking through the keyhole into the room where you are living; sin is your drawing back the bolt and making it possible for him to enter. J.Wilbur Chapman

Bigness in God's sight is measured in terms of Quality, not quantity.

Death is not a period but a comma in the story of life.

God writes with a pen that never blots, speaks with a tongue that never slips, and acts with a hand that never fails.

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My apologies to Blondes everywhere:

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has
$1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable?'"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."

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