God the Parent
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?" Adam asked. "Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied. "Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit? Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!" "No way!" "Where?" "Don't eat that fruit!" said God. "Why?" "Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Eve answered. "She started it!" Adam said. "Did not!" "DID so!" "DID NOT!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.
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What $2 Can Buy
His pediatrician asked six-year-old Johnny, who watched a good many TV, adds, just to make conversation. Johnny, if you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them, what would you buy?" "A box of Tampax," he replied without hesitation. "Tampax?" said the doctor. "What would you do with that?" "Well," said Johnny, "I do not know exactly, but it's sure worth two dollars. With tampax, it says on TV, you can go swimming, go horseback riding, and also go skating, any time you want to."
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Quickie Q&A
Father: How were the exam questions?Son: EasyFather: Then why look so unhappy?Son: The questions didn't give me any trouble, just the answers! Where was the Magna Carta signed?At the bottom! What are you going to be when you get out of school?An old man! What did you learn in school today?Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow! I'm learning ancient history?So am I, lets go for a walk and talk over old times!
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Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity . 1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don ' t Disguise Your Voice. 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In." 5.. < /SPAN>Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds" 7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy." 8 . Don ' t use any punctuation 9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go." 12. Sing Along At The Opera. 13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don ' t Rhyme? 14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day. 15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can ' t Attend Their Party Because You ' re Not In The Mood. 16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Na me, Rock Bottom. 17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!" 18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They ' re Loose!!" 19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go." 20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity....... Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile. Its Called ....... therapy
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Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding. One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?" The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family." "What do you call it?" "We call it a football wedding." The first asks, "What's a football wedding?" The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"
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Broken
On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken." A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building. "What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter, "There's plenty of time left!"
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A Penthouse in Heaven
The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one bedroom apartment. The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge. Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer. "A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important." "With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!"
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"It's autumn in New York. You can tell too. Today I saw a
sidewalk vendor putting anti-freeze in the hot dog water."
--Dave Letterman
***
"Scientists in Japan have developed an umbrella that has
Internet access and allows users to search the Internet
while they walk. An electronic device that you carry in a
rain storm. What could possibly go wrong?" -Conan O'Brien
***
"More Americans can name the three stooges than the three
branches of government. Well, that's because the three
stooges are more likely to get something done."
-David Letterman
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Eric is sitting at the bar staring morosely into his beer.
Tom walks in, sits down and asks him what the problem is.
"Well," said Eric, "I ran afoul of one of those awkward
questions women ask. Now I'm in deep trouble at home."
"What kind of question?" asked Tom.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she gets
old, fat and wrinkly."
"That's easy," said Tom. "You just say 'Of course I will'".
"Yeah," said Eric, "That's what I did, except I said 'Of
course I DO...'"
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At the Olympics a man walked up to a competitor who was
carrying a very long pole.
"Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?"
"Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name ist Walter?"
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Recent Quips from Late Night
"The federal government... announced a plan to spend, like, a trillion of taxpayer dollars to buy out bad mortgages and debt. Wall Street was surprisingly enthusiastic about the plan to save their (butts) with other peoples' money. It was either that, or Sarah Palin's idea to sell it all on eBay." --Bill Maher "Financial experts are saying we are entering a new chapter in the American economy. I believe it's Chapter 11." --Jay Leno "The group MoveOn.org has called on John McCain to release all of his medical records. In response, McCain told them, 'Why don't you just come down to the warehouse and look around for yourself? Bring a forklift, it'll take time.'" --Conan O'Brien "So now our attention turns to which candidate can best guide us out of this mess. But even more important than that is deciding which candidate we'd most like to eat nachos with. According to a new survey from the Associated Press today, more Americans would rather watch football game with Barack Obama than with John McCain, by a margin of 50 to 47%. Mostly because McCain has to get up every ten minutes to go to the bathroom." --Jimmy Kimmel "Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and Lawrence Ellison topped the Forbes list of the top ten richest people in the U.S., having a combined wealth, as of Friday, of nearly $8,000" --Seth Meyers "Hey, guess what? Turns out the free market? Not so free. Wall Street was hit hard Monday when Lehman Brothers filed for bankruptcy, Merrill Lynch was sold to Bank of America, and insurance giant AIG neared a collapse of its own. Basically, if your commercials air during golf tournaments, you're done." --Amy Poehler "The other financial genius, John McCain, said the fundamentals of our economy are strong, and then yesterday he wanted to fire the head of the SEC -- except you can't as president fire the SEC chairman, it's a non-governmental job. Sarah Palin said today one more gaffe from McCain, and she's going to drop him from the ticket." --Bill Maher "To give you an idea how bad the American economy is, Mexico is now calling for a fence along the border. Stay on your side!" --Jay Leno "Barack Obama, you know has a lot of supporters here in America, but he's very popular internationally. It's quite interesting. This is a true story. It was in the paper. Barack Obama is so popular in the African town where his father was born, they've named a beer after him. That's true. Yeah. So next time you're in Africa, sit back, relax, and enjoy a tall, cold Barackelob Light. Good enough. Clearly not as popular a beer as it used to be." --Conan O'Brien "Yesterday, the federal government announced a massive plan to bail out a number of banking institutions. One expert said it might cost Americans more than a trillion dollars. To put that in perspective, ten Bill Gates and 35 Oprahs still don't add up to a trillion dollars." --Jimmy Kimmel "A top McCain policy adviser claimed this week that McCain's work in the Senate helped create the BlackBerry, saying, 'You're looking at the miracle that John McCain helped create.' He then handed the BlackBerry to McCain, who attempted to withdraw $20 from it." --Amy Poehler