Wednesday, August 31, 2005

hUMOR For August 31st

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A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in
Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along
for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies, and before
long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about,
she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with
the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in
mid-strike. A look of terror comes over him and he slinks
away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard. "That was
close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene
from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans, and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and
says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey
on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet. Just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that monkey? I can never trust him. I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!"
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Scavenger Hunt
A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list. "Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"My babysitter's boyfriend."
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Here is today's CleanQuote.
"Trial by jury is the palladium of our liberties. I do not know what a palladium is, but I am sure it is a good thing!" - Mark Twain
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Here is today's Illustration. - The Law
Most of these are certainly outdated. But it's funny to think they ever were laws.
- In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
- In New York, it is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.
- In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle in Connecticut, it must bounce.
- To keep any of the incarcerated beasts from picking up bad habits, the town of Manville, NJ decreed that it is illegal to feed whiskey or offer cigarettes to animals at the local zoo.
- If you sell hollow logs in Tennessee, you are breaking the law.
- Compulsive gamblers stay out of Richmond, VA: it is even illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for the coffee.
- Don't bother the butterflies in Pacific Grove, CA unless you have an extra $500 for the offense.
- The same is true for bullfrogs and cottontails in Hayden, AZ. where disturbing them in the city limits is against the law.
- Have it your way, but don't share it in OK. This state forbids a person from taking a bite out of another person's hamburger.
- Need a radio on Sunday? In Spokane, WA, you can buy one on the Sabbath, but forget about purchasing a television!
- In the state of New York, you need a license to use a clothesline outdoors.
- If any retirees from the circus are thinking about settling down and farming in NC, they are forwarned right here and now that it is against the law in this state to use elephants to plow cotton fields!
- It is illegal to take more than 2 baths a month within Boston confines.
- In Calgary there is a by-law that is still on the books that requires businesses within the city to provide rails for tying up horses.
- In the England it is illegal to sell most goods on a Sunday, (this law is mostly ignored), it is however legal to sell a carrot. It is also legal to sell it at any price and to give free gifts with it, such as anything else one might want to buy on a Sunday!
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Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"Operator: "I'm sorry; I don't understand who you are talking about".Blond Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the computer from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
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ONLY IN AMERICA:

Only in America..... do drugstores make the sick walk all
the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at
the front.

Only in America...... do people order double
cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. !


Only in America...... do banks leave both doors open and
then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America...... do we leave cars worth thousands of
dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the
garage.

Only in America...... do we buy hot dogs in packages of
ten and buns in packages of eight.


Only in America...... do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning
'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.


Only in America...... do they have drive-up ATM machines
with Braille lettering.


EVER WONDER ..


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins
Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and
dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a
broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called
rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on
airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of
that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck
together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite
of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
terminal?