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Mother: "Soooooo.... you want to become my son-in-law."
Suitor: "No, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter."
*****
"Oh," sighed the wife one morning, I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"
*****
A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of Scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.
"Nothing easier," Twain said. "No man can serve two masters."
(From Pulpit Helps)
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From our archive: From GCFL:
The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.
"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.
"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"
"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked.
"You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"
"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."
"Are you in any pain?" she asked.
"No, I have never had a pain in my life."
"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.
The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry.
"Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."
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Thanks to M.A.K. -- Wisdom From Senior Citizens:
1. I started with nothing. I still have most of it.
2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
5. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
9. The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.
10. I tried to get a life once, but they told me they were out of stock.
11. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
12. It was so different before everything changed.
13. Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant.
14. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
15. I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.
16. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
17. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
18. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
19. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a trip around the sun.
20. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
21. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
22. Never knock on death's door, ring the bell and run. (he hates that.) 23. Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way
myself)
24. When you are finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
25. If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seatbelt.
26. There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick & the dead.
27. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
28. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
29. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
30. It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere.
31. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
32. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
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Thanks to JLH: WAR ROOM
Bush and Powell are sitting in a cafe.
A guy walks in and asks the cook, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The cook says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"
And Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
And Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iranians this time and one bicycle repairman."
And the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!!!"
So Bush turns to Powell and says, " See, I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iranians!"
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Things You Never Want to Hear the Exterminator Say...
20. You know, when you build your next house you might want to consider using steel instead of wood.
19. It's a shame you didn't get that extended protection rider on your pest protection policy.
18. I'm sorry, but our worker's compensation policy specifically excludes "killer termites."
17. Do you know anyone who owns a bulldozer?
16. You'll need to call the Jurassic Park people. Dinosaurs aren't on the list of pest problems we handle.
15. Yeah, I realize I'm from Orkin, but I still need your phone book to call Terminix and All-Pest to come help me with this one.
14. I need to go back to the office to get a bigger truck.
13. Do you have someplace you could stay for the next three days?
12. Do you have a high powered rifle handy?
11. You wouldn't happen to have some extra pesticides in storage around the house, would you?
10. "EEEEEKKK!!!!!!"
9. "Exterminator down! Exterminator down! Send backup!!! Extermin..."
8. "The good news is... you have termites."
7. "Do you happen to have a large net?"
6. "You know, I'm also a taxidermist."
5. "Ma'am, I'm afraid you need to let me take the oatmeal raisin cookies with me."
4. "FIRE IN THE HOLE!"
3. "Hi, I'm Willie Nelson and I'll be your exterminator today."
2. "This could get expensive."
1. "Shazbot! I accidentally killed Mindy!"
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From our archive: Thanks to L.B.S. for this one:
A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic's eyelids fluttered and she began moaning.
Eventually, a voice came, saying, "Granddaughter are you there?"
The granddaughter, wide-eyed responded, "Grandma is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really you, Grandma?" the woman repeated.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."
The woman paused, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"When did you learn to speak English?"
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Thanks to D.O. -- WATCHING LIFE PASS BY -- Wilkin Tom O'Neal
A little boy was asked what his father did by an older man. The boy answered, "He watches." "You mean he is a night watchman?"
"Oh no", the little boy exclaimed, "He just watches."
"Well, what does he watch?"
"I don't know if I can tell you everything, but I can name a few things."
"Well, tell me," the curious man replied.
"He watches TV, he watches Mom do the housework, he watches for the mail man, he watches the weather, he watches the computer, and I think he watches girls, too" he said with an impish grin on his face. "He watches the stock market, football games. He watches Mom spank us, and he watches us do our homework. He watches us leave to go to Church and PTA and shopping.
He watches Mom write letters and me play with my dog.
He watches Mom pay the bills. But mainly, he just watches."
There are many who idly sit and watch life pass them by in the church today. They live lives for which their is no meaning, no significance. If this is characteristic of your life, the Apostle Paul offers a challenge to each of us when he penned to Timothy, "
Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses" (1 Timothy 6:12).
James had said also, "But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves" (James 1:22).
DON'T BE DECEIVED BY WATCHING AND LOOKING. BE DOERS!
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From a friend -- Blonde Chips
There was this blonde farmer who had these two horses that she couldn't tell apart. She went to her neighbour and asked if he had any ideas to help her.
The neighbor told her to trim part of one horse's tails so one would be shorter than the other. The blonde thanked her neighbor and went home.
She trimmed one of the tails, and she could tell her horses apart now, until one day when the other horse got his tail caught in the fence.
Now the blonde had a problem because she couldn't tell the horses apart again. So she went back to her neighbor and asked him what she could do. Her neighbor said to trim one of the horse's ears.
The blonde thanked her neighbor again and went home.
Then she trimmed one of her horse's ears. Now she could tell them apart. Until one day when the other horse got its ear caught in the fence. Now the blonde was stuck. So she went back to her neighbor. Her neighbor suggested that she measure her horses.
The blonde thanked her neighbor once again and went home. It turns out that the black horse is two inches taller than the white horse...