I went to a store to buy some insecticide. "Is this good for
beetles?" I asked the clerk. "No," replied. "It'll kill 'em."
***
"Interns scare me. They're too young. How can you have con-
fidence in a doctor who has his rubber gloves pinned to his
sleeves?" --Joan Rivers
***
"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL
CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm
not afraid of small children." --Jonathan Katz
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Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s, I enrolled in an
aerobics class. To my dismay I walked into a room filled
with much younger women and decided to combat my nervousness
with humor.
"I'm here to do my postnatal exercises,"
The instructor gave me an appraising look. "How old is your
baby?"
"Twenty-six," I replied.
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My friend Monica is an accomplished harpist, who frequently
plays for weddings, reception, parties, and other such
events. She is also blond and has an appropriately cherubic
face.
She was on her way to an engagement at a hotel, and stepped
into an elevator with her large golden harp. Just before
the doors closed, a distinguished gray- haired man stepped
on.
As the elevator rose, he looked thoughtfully first at her
and then her harp and asked, "And just how far up are you
going?"
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The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof
of the existence of a new chemical element. A major
research institution has recently announced the discovery
of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new
element has been named Governmentium (Gv)- it has
one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons,
and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic
mass of 312.These 312 particles are held together by forces called
morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of
lepton-like particles called peons.Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert;
however, it can be detected, because it impedes every
action with which it comes into contact. A minute
amount of Governmentium can cause an action that
would normally take less than a second to take over
four days to complete.Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years. It
does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization
in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy
neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's
mass will actually increase over time, since each
re-organization will cause more morons to become
neutrons, forming isodopes.This characteristic of moron promotion leads some
scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed
whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This
hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes
Administratium - an element that radiates just as much
energy as Governmentium since it has half as many
peons but twice as many morons.
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Smart FishermenHow to bait smart fishermen…This one's a-lure-ing!
Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, who offered them one wish each.The first fisherman said: “Double my I.Q.” so the mermaid did it and, to his surprise, he started reciting Shakespeare.Then the second fisherman said: “Triple my I.Q.” and sure enough the mermaid did it. Amazingly, he started doing complex math problems he didn’t even know existed.The third fisherman was so impressed he asked the mermaid to quadruple his I.Q., but the mermaid asked, “Are you sure about that? It will change your whole life!”“Yes, yes,” replied the impatient fisherman, “quadruple my I.Q.”So the mermaid turned him into a woman.
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Buying Grades
One day a professor was giving a big test to his students.
He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to
wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the
tests back in.
The professor noticed that one of the students had attached
a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per
point." The next class the professor handed the tests back
out.
This student got back his test and $64 change.
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A wealthy lawyer
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food.", the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then." "But sir, I have a wife with two children!" "Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man. "But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."
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Female Bumper Stickers
- Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen! - If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen! - Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off! - Out of estrogen, and I have a gun! - Guys have feelings too but... who cares? - Next mood swing: 6 minutes
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Job Benefits
A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay. She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five year's salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums." "I can't help but ask why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied. The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."
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Thoughts To Change You Outlook
* A person who smiles in the face of adversity.....probably has a scapegoat. * Plagiarism saves time. * If at first you don't succeed, try management. * Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. * TEAMWORK.....means never having to take all the blame yourself. * Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. * INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
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People who like this sort of thing will find this is the sort of thing they
like." - Richard Nixon
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Helpful Crook
Two men held up a bank. They cleaned out the cash drawers and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault.
They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of the tellers whispered, "Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?"
One of the robbers said, "What's on your mind, pal?"
"Would you mind taking the books, too? I'm five thousand short."