"Not as Bad as They Say"
Thanks to my good, Texan friend Walter Smith for this one.
Chuck was sitting in an airplane when another fellow took a seat Beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck...pale, hands shaking, Biting his nails and moaning in fear.
"Hey pal, what's the matter?" Chuck asked.
"Oh man... I've been transferred to Texas. There's crazy people in Texas. They have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, high crime rate...."
"Hold on" Chuck interrupted, "I've lived in Texas all my life and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."
The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"
"Me?", said Chuck, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck in Laredo."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oneliner
"Eschew obfuscation."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
anPun - "Hungry Clock"
"When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was just sitting down when I heard a voice from the other
stall saying, "Hi, how are you?"
I don't know what got into me, as I'm not the type to start
a conversation in a men's restroom at a rest stop, but I
answered, somewhat embarrassed: "Doin' just fine!"
And the other guy says, "So what are you up to?"
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking
this is too bizarre, so I say, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just
traveling east!"
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can
when I hear another question: "Can I come over to your place
after a while?"
Ok, this question is just wacky, but I figured I could just
be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "Well, I
have company over, so today is a bad day for me!"
Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"LISTEN, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the
other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Red Shoes
by Robert Byron
My wife and I were sleeping soundly in our apartment one Saturday morning
when we abruptly awakened by loud music. "It's Red Shoes again," exclaimed
my wife.
Red Shoes was a neighbor who lived two apartments down from us. We had
attached the name "Red Shoes" to him as he was always seen donning a pair of
cheap red vinyl shoes. I got up out of bed and walked over to the neighbor's
apartment. Pounding on the door had little effect since the music was too
loud for him to hear me. I waited for a lull in between songs and began
pounding again. The door cracked open and Red Shoes appeared. "Hey man.
How's it going?"
"Would you mind turning the music down. It's a bit loud."
"No problem dude. Sorry about that, man. I didn't think anyone was home
around here."
I looked at the parking lot and it was packed full of cars. "It's Saturday
morning. Everyone is home today."
"Oh wow. My bad."
Instances like this one were not uncommon where Red Shoes was concerned. I
was on the front porch one afternoon as I watched him unload box after box
of laundry detergent from the trunk of his car. He spotted me, looked around
as if to see if anyone was watching, and quickly approached me. In a very
clandestine manner, not unlike someone selling stolen goods on the street,
he asked, "Hey man, do you want to buy some washing powders?"
"No thanks."
"Are you sure? I've got all kinds and I'm selling it cheap."
"That sounds like a deal but I think I'm pretty much set up with all the
"washing powders" that I need."
"Okay, well, if you do, just let me know" His voice quieted and dropped in
tone as he Ieaned towards me to say, "I have a bunch of mop heads too if you
need any of those."
"No thanks but if I hear of anybody looking for mop heads, I'll be sure let
you know."
"I can get other stuff too, man. None of it is stolen. I just get a really
good deal on it."
"If I have a need for other stuff, I'll let you know."
"Okay dude. Let me know if you need any washing powders soon, though. It's
the good stuff and it'll probably go quick.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There are no stupid questions, but there are a lot of inquisitive idiots.