Sunday, September 16, 2007

hUMOR For Sept 16th

One day a mother took her 6-year-old son with her to visit a friend at work.
Everyone there knew her, and she was offered a cup of coffee. That day, as
one of the employees went to make more coffee, her son followed her and
asked, "What are you doing?"

"I'm making your mom's favorite drink," she answered.

Imagine the woman's shock when she heard her son say, "Wow! You know how to
make beer?"

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"Leona Helmsley passed away a couple of weeks ago and left $12 million to
her dog. Big deal. Trump is leaving $50 million to that thing on his
head." - Dave Letterman

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Politically Correct Dictionary

vertically challenged: short
horizontally gifted : fat
horizontally challenged : thin
chronologically gifted : old
intellectually impaired : stupid
living impaired : dead
romantically challenged : not with somebody at the moment
morally differently-brained : stupid
follically independent : bald
musically delayed : tone deaf
genetically discriminating : racist
codependent : finger-pointer
in recovery : drunk/junkie
in denial : unaware that forgetting something obviously proves it happened
constructivist feminist psychotherapy : psychobabble
economically disadvantaged : welfare bum
target equity group : vocal minority
sanitation engineer : garbage man
certified astrological consultant : crackpot
certified crystal therapist : crackpot
certified past-life regression hypnotist : crackpot
ontologically challenged : fictional or mythological
the absolute root of all evil known in the multidimensional infinity of reality : white male
people of height : too tall
gravitationally challenged : fat
other-aged : too old/young (dual purpose)
environmentally correct human : dead
humor-challenged : Nit-picky
motivationally challenged : lazy
outdoor urban dwellers : homeless
monetarily challenged : poor
facially challenged : ugly
visually challenged : blind
nasally gifted : runny nose
verbally challenged : mute, dumb
socially challenged : geek, nerd
cyclically challenged : having PMS
caucasian culturally disadvantaged : white trash
rhythmically challenged : white boy
financially inept : poor
osmotically challenged : thirsty
aquatically challenged : drowning

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Naval JargonJim was a just out of boot camp, and was on his first ship. About two hours out of port, he began to get a bit ill from the motion of the ship. He approached an ensign, also just out of training and on his first cruise. He saluted and said, "Excuse me sir, I am feeling seasick, and I wondered if I may have permission to go downstairs to the dispensary." The ensign returned his salute and replied, "Sailor, you are in the Navy now. You don't go downstairs, you go below! There is no dispensary on this ship, there is sickbay. Not only that, that is not the floor, it is a deck; that is not the ceiling, it is the overhead; that is not a pillar, it is a stanchion; that is not a water fountain, it is a scuttlebutt. If I ever hear you using civilian words instead of Naval jargon, I will throw you out of that little round window over there."

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"Anybody go back to school today? It's tough. I had to take
my son back to school today and I walked through the door
and the teacher there says, 'It's so nice to see the grand-
parents involved.'" -David Letterman

***

"In Mississippi, a Taco Bell restaurant had to close after
employees found a snake in the restaurant. Witnesses at the
Taco Bell said it was the first time they've ever seen a
snake with diarrhea." -Conan O'Brien

***

"Fred Thompson officially announced his candidacy for
president today. Here's why Fred Thompson is not going to
be our president: America's not going to pick a first lady
that looks like she runs a tanning salon." -Jimmy Kimmel

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When I worked as a technical-support specialist for a com-
puter company, customer help calls ranged from the mundane
to the bizarre.

One memorable problem I had to trouble-shoot came from a
man who complained that every time he flushed his toilet,
his computer would reboot.

It turned out that he lived in a rural area with water
supplied by a well with an electric pump. Every time he
flushed, it would turn on the pump, causing a dip in the
electric power, which in turn would cause the computer
to restart itself.

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It is Christmas eve. A burglar breaks into the home of a
prominent local lawyer. He takes the lawyer's Christmas
gifts from under the tree leaving the packages for the
wife and children alone. As he is leaving the house, he is
apprehended by a policeman.

He confesses to what he has done but tells the policeman
that he can't be arrested.

The policeman asks why, and he responds, "Because the law
states that I'm entitled to the presents of an attorney."

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Live to 100

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to
move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see
her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how
she was doing, so she gave him a litany of complaints --
this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.

He responded, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to
start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied,
"Anyone who's 99."

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Two men were boasting to each other ...
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click." "Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle." "What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

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Baptism
A father is in church with three of his young children, including his five year old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head. With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby??"

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A banker decided to get his first tailor made suit
A young banker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you were a banker?" The young man answered, "Yes, I did." To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?"

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The story of a very short man
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh, sure. He can drink." So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?" The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"