Tired SonA clergyman, walking down a country lane, saw a young farmer kid named Vernie who was struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off."You look tired, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand.""No thanks," said Vernie. "My father wouldn't approve.""Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."Again the Vernie protested that his father would be upset.Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!""Well," replied Vernier, "you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get this hay off him."
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"Former 'Law & Order' star Fred Thompson appeared in his
first presidential debate last night. Political experts
called him 'uneven, flat, and dull.' In other words,
Thompson was the highlight of the debate." -Conan O'Brien
***
"Radiohead has a new album out. Radiohead is my favorite
band. They're named after an appliance and a body part.
They're much better than Toasterfoot." -Craig Ferguson
***
"Another celebrity from the 80s and 90s went to the
hospital. David Hasselhoff had a relapse. I guess he
checked himself into a hospital. I'm surprised they took
him...he wears a medical alert bracelet that says, 'Don't
Hasspitalize the Hoff.'" -Jimmy Kimmel
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"Son, I just know you'll do the right thing by this little
girl," said the preacher. "You just marry her, and you'll
be at the end of your troubles."
So he did the right thing, and he married the girl, and
about six months later when he saw the preacher again he
tried to murder him.
"You miserable liar!" shouted the young man. "You told me
if I married her, I would be at the end of my troubles.
Well, I married her, and she has made my life miserable."
"That may be true, son, but you can't blame me," replied
the minister. "I said you'd be at the end of your troubles,
but I never said which end."
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Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie:
"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist.
IN A DIRTY MUG!"
"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction,
let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive
solution."
"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little
boys room."
"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"
"Y'know, Badlands Pete... a roaring campfire, good coffee,
nice prairie breeze, just you 'n' me... what say we put on
the rhinestone gowns and dance a jig or two?"
"Let's see... hardtack and pemmican... that's three grams of
fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."
"You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to
get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."
"That's him! That's the yella-bellied varmint who shot my
therapist!"
"He was a strong man, a good marshal, and I reckon he had a
keen eye for interior decoration."
"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my butt look big?"
"It's like I keep tellin' ya, Earl: men is from Tombstone,
women is from Dodge."
"HANG HIM HIGH, BOYS!! ...Okay, now a little to the left...
.Oooh! Stop right there. Perfect!"
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Bizarre Driving Laws
The Greek sage Aristotle once penned, "Even when the laws
have been written down, they ought not always remain
unchanged." Not only is this wise advice, but also
prophetic. Especially when you focus on some of the driving
laws that loiter on the pages of state statutes.
Tennessee, for example, has a law that bans shooting game,
other than whales, from moving vehicles. Apparently, this
law was authored during an unusually high tide or after too
many dizzying spins on a Tilt-a-Whirl at Dollyworld. Chances
of any whale finding its way into Tennessee via the
Cumberland River are about as likely as Tony Danza winning a
lifetime achievement award at the Cannes Film Festival. Yet,
it exists.
So as to assure that your next cross-country vacation does
not get pricked by the thorns of legality, we at DMV.ORG
have organized a list of arcane state laws that you should
be aware of. For nothing can be more embarrassing than
having to phone your attorney from Kentucky for help in
escaping a fine for trying to transport an ice cream cone in
your back pocket.
Alabama
* It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while
operating a vehicle.
* It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street
as long as a lantern is attached to the front of your car.
* Driving barefoot is illegal.
Alaska
* It is illegal to tie a dog to the roof of your car.
Arkansas
* It is illegal for a person to blare the horn on a vehicle
at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served
after 9 p.m.
California
* Any woman dressed in a housecoat is prohibited from
driving a car.
* It is illegal in San Francisco to buff or dry your car
with used underwear.
* No unoccupied vehicle may exceed 60 miles per hour.
Florida
* If an elephant is tied to a parking meter, the owner or
attendant must deposit money in the meter.
Georgia
* State Assembly members are immune from being ticketed for
speeding while the State Assembly is in session.
* In Marietta, Georgia, it is illegal to spit from a moving
car or bus, but is okay from a moving truck.
Illinois
* In Evanston, Illinois, it is unlawful to change clothes
while inside a car with the curtains drawn, except during a
fire.
Kansas
* In Derby, Kansas, it is considered a misdemeanor to
screech your tires while driving.
Kentucky
* If you stop for ice cream while driving, be aware that it
is considered unlawful to transport an ice cream cone in
your back pocket.
Massachusetts
* You will be ticketed if you drive with a gorilla in the
backseat of your car.
Michigan
* If you car breaks down in Detroit and you are waiting for
assistance, be aware that sitting in the middle of the
street to read a newspaper is illegal.
Minnesota
* It is illegal to cross state lines, regardless if you are
walking or driving, with a duck on your head. And, if you're
crossing into Wisconsin, the law also applies to chickens.
* In Minnetonka, Minnesota, if you drive a truck that
leaves mud, dirt, or sticky substances on any road, you will
be considered a public nuisance who is harming the peace,
safety, and general welfare of the town.
* You cannot ride a motorcycle without a shirt.
Montana
* In Whitehall, Montana, vehicles are prohibited from
driving with ice picks attached to the wheels.
Nevada
* It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway.
New Jersey
* Drivers are required to beep their car horns before
passing another vehicle.
* If convicted of driving while intoxicated, you
permanently lose the option of registering for a vanity
license plate.
North Carolina
* In Dunn, North Carolina, it is illegal to drive on a
sidewalk.
Ohio
* In Oxford, Ohio, authorities will ticket you if you
consecutively drive around the town square more than 100
times.
* Keep in mind that if your car breaks down and you phone
for a cab, you will be ticketed if you opt to ride on the
cab's roof.
Oklahoma
* It is considered illegal to read a comic book while
driving.
Oregon
* You will be ticketed if you leave your car door open
longer than is deemed necessary.
* You will be slapped with a Class A traffic violation if
you use your car on an Oregon highway to prove your physical
endurance.
* It is illegal to pump your own gas.
Pennsylvania
* If you spy a team of approaching horses, you are required
by law to pull to the side of the road and cover your car
with a blanket or dust cover that has been painted or sewn
to blend into the scenery. But, if the horses react skittish
to your efforts, you are then required to disassemble your
car and hide the parts in the nearby underbrush.
South Carolina
* In Hilton Head, South Carolina, you cannot leave trash in
your vehicle out of fear of attracting rats.
Tennessee
* It is illegal to fire a gun at any wild game other than
whales from a moving car.
West Virginia
* It is perfectly legal, for road maintenance purposes, to
scavenge road kill.