A doctor said to his patient: "You have a slight heart
condition, but I wouldn't worry about it."
"Really, Doc?" the patient replied. "Well, if you had a
slight heart condition I wouldn't worry about it either."
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Who's going to stop me?
Six year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not suppose to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
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If Only Life Could Be Like a Computer
- If you messed up your life, you could press "Alt, Ctrl, Delete" and start all over! - To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! - If you needed a break from life, click on "suspend". - Hit "any key" to continue life when ready. - To "add/remove" someone in your life, click settings and control panel. - To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings. - If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers. - When you lose your car keys, click on "find". - We could click on "send" and the kids would go to bed immediately. - To feel like a new person, click on "refresh". - Click on "close" to shut up the kids and spouse. - To undo a mistake, click on "back". - If you don't like cleaning the litter box, click on "delete".
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Smoke Detector
The smoke detector industry is covering up research showing more people are injured every year falling from ladders and stepstools while trying to replace smoke detector batteries than are injured in house fires.
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Momma said ...
I was nearing the final stages of my college preparation to become an elementary school teacher. During my Junior Year we were required to visit several classrooms of varying grades to get a feel for what we were getting ourselves into. Males in elementary education are a rarity and I soon learned that the children thought it was really neat to see a male at school that was not the principal. I will never forget my first visit to a kindergarten class room. These little tots were dying to ask me questions and tell me things about themselves. One little boy raised his hand and I went over to him. He VERY seriously said, "My granddaddy is going to kill himself." Caught COMPLETELY off guard, I struggled for what to say to him. I finally managed, "I'm sure he's not gonna kill himself." He replied, "Oh yes he is...Momma said if he doesn't quit lifting things that are too heavy, he's gonna kill himself."
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Punkin Center
I called 411 last week so I could make a reservation at
Punkin Center Lodge in Punkin Center, Arizona. I told the
operator what I was looking for and asked for the number.
The operator replied, "I'm sorry, sir, but there is nothing
under 'Punkin Center.'"
I replied, "Yes, there is. I was up at the lake last week
and saw it."
He countered, "No, there isn't."
I caught on and asked, "How are you spelling 'Punkin'?"
He replied, "Just like the food you eat, P-U-M-P-K-I-N."
"Oh, no. Punkin. P-U-N-K-I-N," I said.
"Ooooooohhhh," he said. "I just thought you were some hick
who didn't know how to speak."
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"The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for
money." - David Richerby
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Kosher ComputersWhat you can't get from a Kosher computer...
You can now purchase Kosher computers. They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The price is so low, even with the shipping from Israel.However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer you are used to, such as:1) The “Start” button has been replaced with the “Let's go - I'm not getting any younger!” button.2) You hear “Hava Nagila” during startup.3) The cursor moves from right to left.4) When Spell-checker finds an error it prompts, “Is this the best you can do?”5) When you look at erotic images, your computer says, “If your mother knew you did this, she would die.”6) It comes with a “monitor cleaning solution” from Manischewitz that advertises it gets rid of all the “schmutz und drek.”7) When running “Scan Disk” it prompts you with a “You want I should fix this?” message.8) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes “Schloffen.”9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.10) It comes with two hard drives - one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).11) Instead of getting a “General Protection Fault” error, your PC now gets “Ferklempt.”12) The multimedia player has been renamed to “Nu, so play my music already!” corner.14) When your PC is working too hard, you occasionally hear a loud “Oy Gevalt!”15) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup.16) When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, you are instructed to “Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus.”17) After your computer dies, you have to dispose of it within 24 hours.18) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get SPAM!
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Painful Banana SplitPlacing your order at the Trailer Estates ice cream parlor…
A little old man shuffled slowly into the “Orange Dipper,” an ice cream parlor in Trailer Estates, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”“No," he replied, “arthritis.”
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During a performance by the high school drama class at the local theatre, the stage floor was apparently cracked and formed a small hole.
Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until one student, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.
He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness, but a heckler in the back of the theatre shouted: "Don't worry! It's just a stage you're going through!"
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Double Death
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day, we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know." Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking, "What's so bad now. Are you gonna be ok?" "No!" exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister. She told me that HER mom died too!"
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New Dad
One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands, so the proud father stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn't stop crying. Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor. After the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found was indeed full. "Here's the problem," the doctor explained. "He just needs to be changed." The perplexed father remarked, "But the diaper package specifically says it's good for up to 10 pounds!"