The Blonde Year in Review
January - Took her new scarf back to the store because
it was too tight.
February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the
bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.
March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle
in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."
April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the
power went out.
May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water
won't fit into those little packets.
June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she
couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming
competition, complained to the judges that the other
swimmers were using their arms.
August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying
to get into their locked car using a coat hanger
because it was starting to rain and the top was down.
September - When asked what the capital of California
was: answered "C."
October - Hates M & M's because they are so hard to
peel.
November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the
instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed
120.
December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11"
on any phone button.
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The Ten Commandments Of Marriage
Commandment 1 Marriages are made in heaven. But so
are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2 If you want your wife to listen and pay
strict attention to every word you say; talk in your
sleep.
Commandment 3 Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at
least 100 grand!
Commandment 4 Married life is very frustrating. In
the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the
woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks
and the man listens. In the third year, they both
speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5 When a man opens the door of his car
for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the
car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6 Marriage is when a man and woman become
as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide
which one.
Commandment 7 Before marriage, a man will lie awake
all night thinking about something you say. After
marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8 Every man wants a wife who is
beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9 Marriage and love are purely matter of
chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic
waste.
Commandment 10 A man is incomplete until he is
married. After that, he is finished.
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The Psychiatrist's 23rd Psalm
The Lord is my external-internal integrative
mechanism, I shall not be deprived of gratification
for my viscerogenic hungers or my need-dispositions.
He motivates me to orient myself toward a non-social
object with affective significance.
He positions me in a non-decisional situation.
He maximizes my adjustment.
Although I entertain masochistic and self-destructive
id impulses, I will maintain contact with reality, for
my superego is dominant.
His analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me.
He assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts
despite my Oedipal problem and psychopathic
compulsions.
He promotes my group identification.
My personality is totally integrated.
Surely my prestige and status shall be enhanced as a
direct function of time,
And I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and
economically secure forever.
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Thanks to LBS: Mercedes
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new
Mercedes convertible.
He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and
enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he
had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as
he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal
even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and
saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights
flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the
man and he gunned it some more and flew down the road
at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought,
"What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for
the trooper to catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked
up to the man "Sir," he said, looking at his watch.
"My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If
you can give me a reason why you were speeding that
I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my
wife ran off with a Florida State trooper, and I
thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
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"Excerpts From 'A Cat's Guide To Human Beings'"
1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, you've joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence.
What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:
THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
2. How and When to Get Your Human's Attention
Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.
Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.
Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:
Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good it's something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.
Waking your human at odd hours: A cat's "golden time" is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your human's sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.
3. Punishing Your Human Being
Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:
* Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
* Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.
* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.
* After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.
* While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after they've been presented.
After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbour's Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.
5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? They're humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.
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Today's Oneliner
"On a scale of 1 to 10, 4 is about 7."
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"Arrest Report"
A fellow is walking down the street, and is accosted by a policeman. After brief questioning, the gentleman is arrested.
On facing the Magistrate, the policeman's statement is as follows, "Your Honour, the defendant was on Smith Street, carrying, on his back, a desk. He clutched in his left hand a typewriter, in his right, a wastepaper basket."
"I arrested him for impersonating an office, sir."
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Too Late!
The program manager couldn't grasp the idea of gathering requirements
at the start of a project. "At a project kickoff meeting, which he
had neglected to actually invite the customer to, we had a lot of
discussion around what the software we were creating was supposed to
do," says a programmer on the team. "I suggested putting together a
requirements teleconference with the customer to clarify their ideas
and goals." PM's response? "I was told we were already behind
schedule and didn't have time to meet with the customer."
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Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want
ad for an accountant. He was being interviewed by a very
nervous man who ran a three-man business.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said.
"But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for
me."
"Excuse me?" the young accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't
want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take
all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the young accountant said. "And how much does the
job pay?"
"I will start you at eighty-five thousand dollars."
"Eighty-five thousand dollars!" the young man exclaimed.
"How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
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A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.
Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them on. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair -- try these."
The speaker tried them on and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He said, "I have one more pair. Try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."