Solving the Problem
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
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Acronyms and What They Mean
PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
SCSI System Can't See It
DOS Defunct Operating System
BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM I Blame Microsoft
DEC Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
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Scary Lion
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion.
The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"
The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My ex-wife" replied the hunter.
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Paying the Bill
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, thenheld it out teasingly.The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
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Good News, Bad News
An old man visits his doctor and, after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news. What would you like to hear first?"
The patient answers, "Well, give me the bad news first."
"You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left," the doctor says.
"That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over!" the patient cried. "What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?"
The doctor says, "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."
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"Tennis Ball Lesson"
A college professor had the mysterious habit of walking into the lecture hall each morning, removing a tennis ball from his jacket pocket. He would set it on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis ball, place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the room. No one ever understood why he did this, until one day. . . .
A student fell asleep during the lecture. The professor never missed a word of his lecture while he walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on the top of the head.
The next day, the professor walked into the room, reached into his jacket, removed a baseball. . . No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester!
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Weird News
Man tracked down for 51-cent tax bill
BRIGHTON, Mich. (UPI) -- A
Dr. Phil Kazanji said he chuckled at a notice from the city that said legal action would be taken against him if he didn't fork over 51 cents in delinquent taxes.
"This is the most ridiculous thing a government agency would do," Kazanji told the
Kazanji added that the city actually lost money by spending $5.21 to mail the certified letter.
"No matter how small, we can't ignore it or waive it," city finance director Dave Gajda said. "It doesn't matter how much we spend to collect (delinquent taxes), we have to collect it."
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Cussing N.Y. cabbie fined $1,000
Zbigniew Sobczak was found guilty of verbal harassment for allegedly cursing at fellow driver Malik Rizwan during a confrontation between the two on the road, the New York Post reported Wednesday.
"What the (expletive)? You have problem? Why you beeping?" Sobczak is accused of saying.
It is reported Rizwan responded with "You (expletive)! You go in your car."
Since neither cabbie was transporting a passenger at the time, they were at liberty to let the expletives fly, the Post said.
The Post said Rizwan notified authorities after he and Sobczak got into two additional squabbles that day.
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Flashing lights pay off for transit agency
LOS ANGELES (UPI) -- Los Angeles' public transit system has started a new phase in advertising by installing LED lights in the subway that play short videos as trains rush past.
Some passengers were surprised and even offended when they saw 15-second commercials playing outside the windows of their subway train as they passed through a tunnel Tuesday, the Los Angeles Times reported.
"It's intrusive to me. If I want to see that, I'll turn on the TV or pick up a newspaper," actress Roberta Richey said.
City officials have said the ads are a good way for the transit agency to supplement a strapped budget and many passengers actually enjoy watching the LED lights whiz by to create the image of a moving video.
"We were, like, freaking out. We were saying 'What are they going to think of next?'" filmmaker Ray Mann said.
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Hopeful buyers camp out for new homes
MESA, Ariz. (UPI) -- Some aspiring homeowners say they are camping out under a tent to keep their places in line for a shot at buying a home in northeast Mesa, Ariz.
About a dozen hopefuls plan on sticking it out until Saturday morning when a developer releases 75 Blandford Homes in the highly coveted desert location, the Arizona Sun reported Tuesday.
"This is a great way to meet your neighbors," said Rosemary Ruiz, who wants to live in
The Sun said the homes are priced from $239,950 to $790,950 and are part of a 1,200-home major development plan.
"This is huge, but we knew from when we first opened the welcome center we had something that was bucking the trend," development spokeswoman Joannie Flatt said. "The latent demand for homes in
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25 Easy Ways to Curb the Annoying Problem of Church Growth
1. Begin your message with the phrase, "You know what's
wrong with you people..."
2. Place the student Sunday school space near the "Ruth
class" for ladies 70 and above.
3. Move business meetings to Sunday morning and open up the
floor by asking, "So does anybody have a beef?"
4. Begin that year-long sermon series on the 40 weeks of
Daniel.
5. Place a polygraph machine on the front pew to be used
during the invitation time.
6. Place tire puncture strips in the parking lot for cars
going the wrong way before Sunday school.
7. Pick a NASCAR driver as your favorite and complain about
all the other drivers (this works best in
8. Place the roller coaster "You must be this tall" sign at
the entrance of the worship center. (And make it stand about
5' 8 1/2")
9. Keep the Christmas pageant livestock in the church choir
room year 'round.
10. Announce that on high attendance Sunday, if the goal is
met, everyone will kiss the pig!
11. If your auditorium slopes downward to the platform, give
every kid under 12 a handful of marbles before the service.
12. Give deacons the ability to "gong" the special music.
13. Place the outdoor welcome center tent a few feet from
the septic tank.
14. Replace the pictures of former pastors with pictures of
Larry, Moe, and Curly.
15. Start arranging marriages in the singles department.
16. Put a blank for "weight" on the membership information
forms.
17. Invite the "cops" crew along during hospital visits.
18. Demand mandatory drug tests for all senior adult
excursions.
19. In order to feel relevant, say "Dude" 15 times from the
pulpit each Sunday.
20. Have the organist play hockey cheers at pivotal moments
of the sermon.
21. Place armed guards in front of the Sunday school supply
closet.
22. Before the offertory hymn, have the worship leader
scream, "Show me the money!"
23. Charge tolls for the use of restrooms.
24. Illustrate all sermons or Sunday school lessons with
scenes from "
25. Use the "American Idol" format for staff hirings.
Written by Matt Tullos.