Spouse Comparisons
A widow recently married to a widower was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked: "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"
"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.
"What stopped him?"
"I started talking about my next husband."
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"Sermon Comment"
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons."Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."
The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."
"Because it endured forever."
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CleanQuote
"We can put television in its proper light by supposing that Gutenberg's great invention had been directed at printing only comic books."- Robert M. Hutchins
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Illustration - "Eyes of Love" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
My mother's friend joined Weight Watchers, and the other day when she was getting ready to go to the weekly meeting her little grandson asked her where she was going. She said she was going to her fat club.
When she got back home her grandson said, "Well Grandma, are you fat yet?"
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IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... but that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
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"Here is a very odd story. A woman in Tennessee is now suing
a local pharmacy after buying what she thought were birth
control patches. They turned out to be nicotine patches. The
good news, her new baby is now down to a half a pack a day."
--Jay Leno
***
A man went to a zoo but all it had was a dog.
It was a Shitzu.
***
My husband seems to feel one should get their money's worth
on vacation. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to frolic every
minute or not. But once when I was sitting in a beach chair
on the sand, he came out of the surf and said, "This is
costing us $300 a day - and you sit there reading a book!"
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Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be
passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other
if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that
would be good, but that she would feel uncomfortable about
purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it
and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said,
"The beer is for washing our hair."
The cashier, without blinking an eye, reached under the
counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the
beer. "Here you go, sister," she said, "don't forget the
curlers."
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Co-workers sympathized as my mother complained that her back
was really sore from moving furniture. "Why don't you wait
till your husband gets home?" someone asked. "I could," my
mother told the group," but the couch is easier to move if
he's not on it."
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Window SeatsAt the airport check-in counter I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both she and her husband.The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them for sitting together."Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I *know* what I'm requesting!"
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Insufficient Funds
A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" "I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad. "You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble." "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake." "I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
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No Sound Support
I recently purchased a new PC from one of the major computer manufacturers. I placed my order via the web but asked for them to call me for my credit card information. So, after a couple days of phone tag, I got in touch with the saleswoman handling my account. I was thinking I'd just give her my credit card number and be on my way. Almost. Saleswoman: “Do you realize that the modem you've chosen doesn't have sound support?” Customer: “What exactly does a ‘modem with no sound support’ mean?” Saleswoman: “It means that if you go to a web page that has a movie or sound file, you won't be able to hear it.” Customer: “What does the modem have to do with that?” Saleswoman: “Well, sir, the modem is what connects your computer to the Internet.” Customer: “So, you're telling me that this particular modem scans the TCP/IP packets passing through it for those belonging to any sound application and filters them out?” Saleswoman: “Yes.” Customer: “How does it accomplish this feat?” Saleswoman: “I'm not technical enough to answer that. Please hold.” I stayed on hold for five minutes and hung up.
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Overheard in a computer shop...
Overheard in a computer shop: Customer: “I'd like a mouse mat, please.” Salesperson: “Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.” Customer: “But will they be compatible with my computer?”
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Bow Shot
Lawyer: “Now, would you please tell the Jury the truth. Why did you shoot your husband with a bow and arrow?” Defendant: “I didn't want to wake up the children.”
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Collection Plate
Little Vernie in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates.
When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."
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"Car Sale"
Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles.
One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car."
"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles.Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic.Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"