"Patio Problem"
My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.
He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.
He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.
Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?"
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Oneliner
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not the color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." - Jerry Seinfeld
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"Sister Help"
A sister from a local convent became a Certified Public Accountant to help small shop owners manage their finances better.
Her title: "Nun of Your Business."
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Second Try
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I
discovered that it had not been one of my wife's
better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.
By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go
outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all
over again. My wife agreed.
I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile,
announced, "Honey, I'm home!"
"And just where have you been?" she replied sharply.
"It's after seven o'clock!"
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Thanks to WS: 12 Things To Learn
The value of time
The need of perseverance
The pleasure of serving
The dignity of simplicity
The true worth of character
The power of kindness
The influence of example
The obligation of duty
The wisdom of economy
The virtue of patience
The nobility of labor
The teachings of Him who said, "Learn of Me."
anonymous
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Thanks to marti -- Toilet Paper Cake
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love
this -- especially all the ladies who bake for church
events.
Alice was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church
ladies' group bake sale in Tuscaloosa , but she forgot
to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the
morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through
cabinets she found a dusty old Angel food cake mix in
the back of her kitchen cabinet and quickly made it
while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son
Bryan pack up for Scout camp. But when Alice took the
cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and
the cake was horribly disfigured.
She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another
cake."
The cake was so important to Alice because she did so
want to fit in at her new church, and in her new
community of new friends. So, being inventive and not
wanting anyone to think she was not the perfect woman
able to handle all things at all times or wondering
why she was not participating in her church's bazaar,
she looked around the house for something to build up
the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom .. a roll of toilet
paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing.
Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it
looked perfect!
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the
church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter
Amanda and gave her some money and specific
instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it
opened at 9:30, and to buy that cake and bring it
home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found that
the attractive cake had already been sold.
Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her Mom.
Alice was horrified... she was beside herself.
Everyone would know... what would they think? Oh, my
she wailed! She would be ostracized, talked about,
ridiculed. She would have to move or kill herself! All
night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people
pointing their fingers at her and talking about her
behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would
try not to think about the cake and she would attend a
fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a friend
of a friend and try to have a good time. Alice did not
really want to attend because the hostess was a snob (
who more than once had looked down her nose at the
fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the
founding families of Tuscaloosa ), but having already
RSVP'd she could not think of a believable excuse to
stay home. The meal was elegant, the company was
definitely upper crust old South.... and to Alice's
horror the CAKE in question was presented for dessert
!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw
the cake. She started to get out of her chair to rush
into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but
before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife
said, "What a beautiful cake!"
Alice, who was still stunned and trying to formulate
what words she would use to explain the situation, sat
back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was
a prominent church member) say, "Thank you, I baked it
myself."
Alice smiled and thought to herself "There is a God".
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A SOUTHERN PHONE CALL
A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about
churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco,
and
started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he
began
taking photographs and making notes.
In one c hurch, he spotted a golden telephone on the
vestibule
wall,
and was intrigued with a sign which read, "$10,000 per minute."
Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the
sign.
The
pastor answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to
Heaven,
and if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake
City,
Denver, Chicago,! Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found
more such
phones, with the same sign, and the same explanation from each
pastor.
Finally, the man arrived at a church in the lovely state of
Virginia. Upon entering the church, behold: he saw the usual
golden
telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: Calls: 25 cents!
Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor.
"Reverend,
I
have been in cities all across the country and in each church I
have
found
this golden telephone , and have been told it is a direct line to
Heaven, and
that I could use it to talk to God. But in 20 other churches, the
cost was
$10,000 per minute. Your sign says 25 cents per call. Why is
that?"
(I just love this part!)
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in the
South now, it's a local call."