Tuesday, October 11, 2005

FhUMOR For Oct. 11th

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Brick Order

A man goes into his local building supply store and orders 10,000 bricks.

"May I ask what you're building?" asks the man behind the counter.

"It's going to be a barbecue."

"Wow, that's a lot of bricks for one barbecue,"

"Not really; I live on the 12th floor."
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*Here is today's CleanQuote.*

"Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty."

- Mark Twain
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*Here is today's Illustration. - Intimidation*

A big hulking hooligan walks into a bar, slams his fist down, and yells "Give me a beer, or...!"

Scared, the bartender serves the man his beer. This happens everyday for a week straight, and the bartender turns into a nervous wreck. He asks his wife for advice, and she tells him he should stand up for himself. Easier said than done, he thinks, but he decides to try it.

The next day, the hooligan returns. "Give me a beer, or...!"

"O-o-o-o-r-r-r w-what?" stammers the bartender.

"A small Coke."
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The way to get started is to quit

talking and begin doing. ~Walt Disney

Talking can lead to problem solving. It can enlist

someone's support. It can bring clarity to obstacles

you face and help you make a plan for action. But

there are times when talking takes the place of doing,

when it becomes a way to avoid acting. The surest way

to get started is to start doing. Just do it!
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NEWS From The year 2029

* Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions

in the seventh largest country in the world,

Mexifornia formally known as California.

* Japanese scientists have created a camera with such

a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman

with her mouth shut.

* Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United

States crops and livestock.

* Baby conceived naturally . . . scientists stumped.

* Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual

marriage.

* Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the

American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known

as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

* Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will

take at least 10 more years before radioactivity

decreases to safe levels.

* France pleads for global help after being over taken

by Jamaica.

* Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now

be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has

banned all smoking.

* George Z. Bush says he will run for President in

2036.

* Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to

$17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

* 85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise are

the keys to weight loss.

* Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

* Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

* Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates

their civil rights.

* Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven

inches.

* New federal law requires that all nail clippers,

screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers

must be registered by January 2036.

* Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly

illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

* IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

* Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting

machine.
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As I lie here awake in my bed,

Surgeon's wit seems to ring in my head.

"Through your belly I poked,

So you know," he then joked,

"I will keep you in stitches," he said.

With a glance at my gut, you can tell

It's distended. I want to get well.

It's bulging, inflated.

You think I'm elated?

How's my tummy? I'll answer, "Quite swell."

My abdomen's badly defaced.

Reality now must be faced.

I'm swollen and bloated,

And badly emoted.

I know it's a terrible waist.

I lie here awake in the night.

My innards are stretched rather tight.

If I have enough guts,

Then I shouldn't go nuts.

I can't stomach much more of this plight.

Many hours here in bed I have lain.

All my energy went down the drain.

My bod hurts and it's sore.

Just to move is a chore.

My recovery's really a pain.

(Kirk Miller)
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New Checking Account

The teenage son was having trouble mastering the fine points of

balancing his new checking account.

"The bank returned the check you wrote to the sporting goods store,"

his mother said.

"Oh good," he replied, "Now I can use it to buy some stereo equipment!"