hUMOR For Aug 26th

"This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest

for fun. I'm gonna have fun, and you're gonna have fun.

We're all gonna have so much 'fun, we'll need plastic

surgery to remove our goddamn smiles."

-Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) in National Lampoon's Vacation

***

"We're no longer called Sonic Death Monkey. We're on the

verge of becoming Kathleen Turner Overdrive, but just for

tonight, we are Barry Jive and his Uptown Five."

-Barry (Jack Black) in High Fidelity

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Jill recently bought a new Volkswagen Beetle, that bright

green color. The first day she had it she made all kinds

of excuses to run errands. One of these errands was to

pick up clothes at the dry cleaners and go to the grocery.

The dry cleaners and the grocery are in the same strip

mall so she got a few things at the grocery, then ran by

the cleaners and got the clothes. Having her hands full

she laid the clothes on top while putting the groceries

in the car.

When she got home she was beaming, "You wouldn't believe

how many people waved and honked their horns at the car

and me on the way home." she said to her kids, "people

must really think this car is neat!"

About that time a car pulled up in our drive and a man

got out with an armload of our clothes. "Excuse me," he

said, "but I've been trying to get your attention for

two miles, your clothes landed on my hood just after you

pulled out of the parking lot."

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Pauly got a job as a casket salesman in the local funeral

home. He's talking to this old guy, who's come in to plan

his funeral for "one of these days."

"Now, sir," says Pauly, " think you'll want this model.

It's a beautiful piece of equipment, and a steal at

$4,000."

"No," said the old guy, "that's really too much for a

casket. How much is THIS one right here?"

"Oh," said Pauly, "it's the bottom of the line and is just

$1,000."

"I think I'd like that one," said the old guy.

"Wait just a minute, sir. This casket is very narrow. You

just lie down in here and TRY to spread your elbows!"

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The Direct Object

Christopher's class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on Christopher to recite a sentence with a direct object.

Christopher stood and thought, then said, "Teacher, everybody thinks you are beautiful."

"Why thank you, Christopher," the teacher said, blushing. "But what is the direct object?"

"A good report card next month," he replied.

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After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.' The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.' 'Trust me,' said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count! '1' '2' '3' '4' '5' ( you'll love this...) At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand. This procedure works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Maryland, Mississippi, Missouri, Minnesota, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, West Virginia, and Washington DC.

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The Aisle Seat

Two Radical Arab Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat... Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marines shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one, too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marines other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors... 'Why does it have to be this way?' 'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'

THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES. THE BEST!

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Spaghetti Sauce

Becky prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party she was giving. In her
haste, however, she forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it
sat on the counter all day. She was worried about spoilage, but it
was too late to cook up another batch. She called the local Poison
Control Center and voiced her concern. They advised Becky to boil the
sauce again.

That night, the phone rang during dinner, and one of the guests
volunteered to answer it. Becky's face dropped as the guest called
out, "It's the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the
spaghetti sauce turned out."