Total Control
A guy named Bob is travelling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him.
He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing the president, the war, corruption, unemployment, etc.
So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the FBI that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely punished.
This didn’t have any effect on those guys, moreover they just laughed at Bob, and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about George Bush and the government.
Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train conductor.
Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly 3:00 a.m.
He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that talkative guys could hear him:
"If the FBI director can hear me: could you please bring me a glass of water and some sleeping pills at 3:00 a.m., because there are some idiots here who are speaking too loudly about some political issues and won’t let me sleep."
The guys continue talking.
Exactly at 3:00 am, the door opens and the conductor comes out, and gives Bob the water and some sleeping pills.
The guys are shocked and finally stop talking. Bob is happy and manages to fall asleep...
When he wakes in the morning, the talkative guys are no where to be found.
Out of curiosity he asks the conductor about them, (also remembering that there shouldn’t have been any stops at night).
The conductor replies that some people in black suits stopped the train and arrested those guys.
Bob is completely shocked and surprised and asks about why he was not arrested.
The conductor answers that he doesn’t have a clue but one of the guys in black suits said that the director of the FBI liked Bob’s joke about the water and pills.
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Wisdom of Age
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
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Presidential Critter
A woman went on a tour of the White House. As the guide led her down one of the historic halls, a door burst open and a large aquatic sea mammal, balancing a beach ball on its nose, scurried past.
"My, what was that?" exclaimed the woman.
"Oh, that's just the Presidential Seal," replied the guide.
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Car On Fire
I had just pulled into a parking spot at the huge home
improvement store when smoke and flames began pouring from
under my hood.
Frantic, I bolted into the store and ran up to the first
clerk I saw. As luck would have it, he was standing behind
the courtesy counter.
"Please help," I gasped. "My car's on fire! I need a fire
extinguisher!"
Without even looking up, he replied, "Aisle 12."
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The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into
the kitchen and immediately started yelling. "CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL! MORE OIL!
TURN THEM! TURN THEM NOW! WE NEED MORE OIL! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!
CAREFUL! CAREFUL! TURN THEM! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP! ARE YOU CRAZY! THE OIL
IS GOING TO SPILL! USE MORE SALT! THE SALT!!"
The wife was very upset, "What is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like
this? Do you think I don't know
how to fry an egg?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted you to know what it's like for me
when I am driving the car and you're sitting next to me."
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A friend asked me to replace the rotted post that her mailbox sat on, but to
save the beloved old box. I managed to extract all but one of the rusty
nails in the bottom of the mailbox. To free the last nail, I wrapped my arms
around the box in a bear hug and started yanking up.
Just then a truck came by, and the driver stuck his head out the window. "I
tried that," he said, "but the bills just keep on coming."
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My wife and I have a system for settling arguments We just talk and talk
until she's right.
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Losing My Mind
"Oh my," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"
Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"
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If Life Were Like A Computer:
- You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.
- You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!
- You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.
- You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.
- You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.
- To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!
- If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!
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Masterpiece
One day a girl came home crying to her mom. The mom asked what was wrong.
The girl responded, "I'm not a creation, God made men first! I'm nothing!"
Then the mom said, "Oh baby that's not true, God may have made men first ,but there's always a rough draft before the masterpiece."
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If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, get one who knows the judge.
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Holiday Eating Tips
I hate aspects of this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism
and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food
police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to
get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.
1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on
a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact
if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're
serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now.
So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's
not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something.
It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later then
you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk
or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a
sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to
control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is
to eat other peoples food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Years, You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa. Position
yourself near them, and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.
Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one
dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean have
some standards, mate.
10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the
party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just around
the corner.
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"Wedding Blessing"
At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my hand to give the final blessing.
The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a high-five.
Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five, too.
I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter of the guests.
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"Laziness"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two men walked up to her. “I’m out of gas,” she purred. “Could you push me to the gas station?”
The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a filling station.
“How come you didn’t turn in?” he yelled.
“I never go there,” the girl shouted back. “They don’t have full service.”
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"You can buy anything on eBay. I just bought the world's
oldest globe. It's flat." --Buzz
***
"You know, I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be
happy with buns of cinnamon." --Ellen DeGeneres
***
"My dad, he's a nuclear physicist, my mom, she's a math-
ematician, my brother is a chemical engineer--and I like to
color." --Shashi Bhatia
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Chase Allen took the chair at the barbershop.
"How would you like your hair cut today, son?" asked the
barber.
"Oh, do it like you do Daddy's, with the big hole at the
back."
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"Wedding Blessing"
At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my hand to give the final blessing.
The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a high-five.
Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five, too.
I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter of the guests.
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Christmas
One year at Christmas, Mom went to my sister's house for the
traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, Mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.
When my sister left, Mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the
stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey,
then re-stuffed the turkey. She placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the
oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon
hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird. With a
look of total shock on her face, Mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've
cooked a pregnant bird!"
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It
took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs.