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Southernese
Yorta have a lookit thisun: Yankee's guide to "Southernese". If you do not understand any of them, contact a Southerner for an explanation.
FOAL: Not a baby horse. This is flexible aluminum for baking.
Usage: "I put the taters in foal, afore I baked um."
HEIDI:(noun) Greeting.
HIRE YEW:(complete sentence) Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi, hire yew?"
BARD:(verb)Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH:(noun) The state north of Florida. Capital is Lanner.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER:(noun) The state west of Jawjuh. Capital is Muntgumry.
Usage: "A tornader jes went through Bammer."
MUNTS:(noun)A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from
him in munts."
COLE DRANK: (adjective/noun) A chilled beverage, typically soda.
THANK:(verb) Cognitive process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a cole drank."
RANCH:(noun) A tool used for tightnin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I leff my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother
from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL:(noun) A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR:(noun) A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck,
that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR:(noun) A rubber wheel.
Usage: "I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my
pickup truck."
TIRE:(noun) A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, Ah sure hope to see that
Eiffel Tire in Pars sometime."
RETARD:(verb) To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
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Two years ago a man and woman had just won the lottery. He was at work when the lottery office phoned their home to inform them of the win. His wife was very worried because the man had just recovered from a heart attack and she wondered what would happen if he found out about it too abruptly.
So, she called the pastor and asked if he could talk to the man and slowly lead into telling him the news. He agreed and said he would be there as soon as possible.
When the man got home the pastor asked if they could go for a walk. While they were walking the pastor began by asking, "What would you do if you won the lottery?"
The man replied, "Why, I'd give it all to the church."
The pastor dropped dead on the spot.
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- "How to Write Large Books" by Warren Peace
- "The Lion Attacked" by Claude Yarmoff
- "The Art of Archery" by Beau N. Arrow
- "Songs for Children" by Barbara Blacksheep
- "Irish Heart Surgery" by Angie O'Plasty
- "Desert Crossing" by I. Rhoda Camel
- "School Truancy" by Marcus Absent
- "I Was a Cloakroom Attendant" by Mahatma Coate
- "I Lost My Balance" by Eileen Dover and Phil Down
- "Mystery in the Barnyard" by Hu Flung Dung
- "Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago
- "Shhh!" by Danielle Soloud
- "The Philippine Post Office" by Imelda Letter
- "Things to Do at a Party" by Bob Frapples
- "Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breath
- "Raising Mosquitos" by I. Itch
- "Mountain Climbing" by Hugo First
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Smith goes to see his supervisor. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss says. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Smith. "I knew I could count on you!"