First Prize
A little boy took his dog on a "take your pet to school" day. There
were prizes for the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest, and the
smartest pet. Determined that his dog win a prize, the boy put his
pet through a whole series of tricks. Finally the boy turned to the
dog and asked, "Mindy, how much is two plus two minus four?" The dog
sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent. "Right!"
exclaimed the boy. His dog won first prize.
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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the
pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.
When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to
'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be
faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just
leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and
walked away satisfied.
The next day during the wedding ceremony, the time came for
the bride and groom to exchange their vows. The pastor
looked the young man in the eye and said, "Will you promise
to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and
wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life,
and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you
will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you
both shall live?"
The groom gulped, looked around, and said in a tiny voice,
"Yes." He then leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I
thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into the groom's hand and
whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
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Bull Healing"
A farmer asked his vet to come out to check on his favorite bull who wasn't doing well at all. After checking the bull's vital signs, the vet reached in his black bag and pulled out a rather large pill. He forced open the bull's mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet.
Suddenly the bull jumped up and took off like a banshee, jumping every fence in his way.
The vet exclaimed, "Well, looks like your bull is healed!"
The farmer replied, "Now give me one of those pills. I've gotta catch him!"
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Oneliner
"Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery."
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CleanPun - "Richard"
Years ago there was a baker's assistant whose sole job was to pour the dough mixture for making sausage rolls (apparently the royal family loved sausage). Because people were identified by their professions, he was just called Richard the Pourer.
One day Richard ran out of some key ingredients, namely a secret spice he used in the batter. He called his apprentice and sent him to the store to buy more spices. When the apprentice arrived at the store, he found that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. Hoping that the storekeeper might be able to figure it out, he described it to him saying,
"It's for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst."
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The Lonely Brain Cell
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............
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"We're down here ..."