"Gym Oops"
New to the United States, I was eager to meet people. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym.
Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband." Then I added, "The thin one--not the fat one."
After a slightly uncomfortable silence she replied, "And that's my husband - the fat one."
+++++++++++++++++++
CleanQuote
"There is something wrong if you're always right."
+++++++++++++++++++
"Tradition"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The church I serve has a summer ministry at a chapel. At our first service last summer, the chairman of the board of deacons met me at the door with the information that there were no offering plates to be found. None of the men wore hats, and he thought it undignified to pass a shoe. He had tried to borrow something suitable from a house nearby, but no one was home. When I went to the chancel to begin the service, the problem was still unsolved.
Time came for the offering, and two ushers walked down the aisle wearing broad grins and carrying shiny receptacles. The deacon had resourcefully borrowed two hubcaps from a parishioner's car.
+++++++++++++++++++
Got Juice?
(A true story...)
Last weekend, my wife and I and our young daughter Brianna, traveled
out-of-town to visit Grandma and Grandpa. We arrived around 9:00
PM. Of course, Grandpa and Grandma are waiting for us. Well not
exactly us, they wanted to see Brianna. So we get there and Brianna
is showered with lots of love and gifts. One of those gifts is a PVD
player. It's like a DVD player but for little kids and the disks are
different than DVDs. As part of this gift, she got an episode of
"Dora The Exporer" on PVD.
The next day, Brianna watches that PVD over and over and over and
over and over. At the end of the day, she's placed in her bed to go
to sleep. It's been a long day and she's tired, but she takes her PVD
player with her.
About 1/2 hour later, we here her crying. So I walk in there to find
out why. She pointed to her player and said that it was broken.
Well, it was. There was audio but no video. So I restared the player
and the first thing I noticed was the Dead Battery Sign in the upper
right hand corner. The following is the conversation I had with two
and a half year old Brianna:
Dad: "It's not broken, the batteries are just dying."
Brianna: "The batteries are dying?"
Dad: "Yes, The batteries are out of juice."
Slight pause while Brianna processes what Dad just said.
Brianna: "Juice? I've got apple juice. Grandpa's got orange juice."
Dad (with a slight chuckle): "Not that kind of juice."
Brianna (with another pause): "Grandpa's got cow milk."
+++++++++++++++++++
I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor
accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room. The triage nurse
asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125
pounds."
While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me.
"Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."
+++++++++++++++++++
As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked another,
"Who are all those cheering people?"
The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going."
+++++++++++++++++++
I'm sorry. Am I driving too close in front of you?