********************************
Two factory workers were talking.
"I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man.
"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.
He proceeded to climb up to the rafters and hung from them upside down.
The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing.
"I'm a light bulb," answered the guy.
"I think you need some time off," said the boss.
So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.
The blonde began walking out too.
The boss asked her where she thought she was going.
The blonde answered, "Home. I can't work in the dark."
********************************
Window Washer
There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe.
I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"
He said, "Well, I used to be a window washer."
I asked, "When did you give it up?"
He replied, "Halfway down."
********************************
Window Washer
There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe.
I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"
He said, "Well, I used to be a window washer."
I asked, "When did you give it up?"
He replied, "Halfway down."
********************************
Not Me!
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar speed checking equipment,
drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when suddenly the
flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his car and license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more
slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower
speed. Same result. So, he made a note to himself to contact the traffic
department and tell them that their machine wasn't working properly.
A few weeks later, the off-duty police officer received an envelope from
the police department containing three traffic citations, each of them were
for NOT wearing a seat belt.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Monday, May 30, 2005
hUMOR For May 30th
********************************
One night at McChord Air Force Base, I was dispatched to check out the security fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of the base runway.
When I got to the scene, I found a raccoon was the culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare the animal away.
Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and announced loudly,
"Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are now cleared for takeoff."
********************************
Some things you
keep.
Like good teeth. Warm coats. Bald husbands. They're
good for you, reliable and practical and so sublime
that to throw them away would make the garbage man a
thief.
So you hang on, because something old is sometimes
better than something new, and what you know is often
better than a stranger.
These are my thoughts, they make me sound old, old and
tame, and dull at a time when everybody else is risky
and racy and flashing all that's new and improved in
their lives.
New careers, new thighs, new lips, new cars. The world
is dizzy with trade-ins. I could keep track, but I
don't think I want to.
I grew up in the fifties with practical parents - a
mother, God bless her, who washed aluminum foil after
she cooked in it, then reused it - and still does. A
father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than
buying new ones.
They weren't poor, my parents, they were just
satisfied. Their marriage was good, their dreams
focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away.
I
can see them now, Dad in trousers and tee shirt and
Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in his hand,
dishtowel in hers. It was a time for fixing things -
a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the
oven door, the hem in a dress.
Things you keep. It was a way of life, and sometimes
it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, reheating,
renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste
meant affluence. Throwing things away meant there'd
always be more.
But then my father died, and on that clear autumn
night, in the chill of the hospital room, I was struck
with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't
any 'more.' Sometimes what you care about most gets
all used up and goes away, never to return.
So, while you have it, it's best to love it and care
for it and fix it when it's broken and heal it when
it's sick. That's true for old cars and children with
bad report cards and dogs with bad hips and aging
parents. You keep them because they're worth it,
because you're worth it.
Some things you keep. Like a best friend that moved
away or a classmate you grew up with, there's just
some things that make life important.... people you
know are special....and you KEEP them close!
********************************
Flood Prediction
Meteorological experts predicted a massive flood that would destroy the world.
The Pope went on worldwide TV and said, "This is punishment from God. Prepare to meet your maker."
The president went on TV and announced, "Our scientist have done all they can. The end is near."
The mayor of Seattle came on and said, "Due to inclement weather, this year's Seafair Parade will be moved to the top of Queen Anne Hill."
********************************
Deer Tick Warning
Deer Tick Warning!!! I hate it when people forward
bogus warnings, but this one is real and it is
important. So please send this warning to everyone on
your e-mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are
conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take
your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!!
IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid
now.
*****************************
I Remember...
You have to read this whole thing...it will definitely
make you smile.
Close your eyes...And go back... Before the Internet
or the MAC. Before semi automatics and crack. Before
SEGA or Super Nintendo... Way back...
I'm talking about hide-and-go seek at dusk. Red light,
Green light. Playing kickball & dodge ball until your
porch light came on. Mother May I? Red Rover. Hula
Hoops. Running through the sprinkler.
Happy Meals .
Wait...
Watching Saturday Morning cartoons like Fat Albert,
Road Runner, Smurfs, Picture Pages, G-Force & He-Man
Wonder Woman & Super Man Underoos. Playing Dukes of
Hazard Catching lightning bugs in a jar Christmas
morning... Your first day of school. Bedtime Prayers
and Goodnight Kisses. Climbing trees. Getting an Ice
Cream off the Ice Cream Truck. A million mosquito
bites and sticky fingers. Jumping down the steps.
Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights. Running 'til you
were out of breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach
hurt.
Being tired from playing... Your first crush... Rainy
days at school meant playing "Heads up 7Up" in the
class room. Remember that?
I'm not finished yet...
Kool-aid was the drink of summer. Toting your friends
on your handle bars. Wearing your new shoes on the
first day of school. Class Field Trips. When nearly
everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got there.
When a quarter seemed like a fair allowance, and
another quarter a miracle.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him
or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even
the kid, thought a thing of it.
When your parents took you to McDonalds and you were
so cool.
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing
compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving
student at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't
because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our
parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
And some of us are still afraid of them!!!
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah,
I remember that!"
There's nothing like the good old days! They were good
then and they're good now when we think about them.
Share some of these thoughts with a friend who can
relate, then share it with someone that missed out on
them. I want to go back to the time when...
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo"
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do
over!" "Race issue"; meant arguing about who ran the
fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the
banker in "Monopoly". Catching the fireflies could
happily occupy an entire evening. It wasn't odd to
have two or three "best" friends. Being old, referred
to anyone over 20. The worst thing you could catch
from the opposite sex was cooties. Nobody was prettier
than Mom. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made
better. It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to
ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a
"double-dog-dare". Spinning around, getting dizzy and
falling down was cause for giggles. The worst
embarrassment was being picked last for a team. Water
balloons were the ultimate, ultimate weapon. Older
siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the
fiercest protectors.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you
have LIVED!!!! Pass this on to anyone who may need a
break from their "grown up" life...
One night at McChord Air Force Base, I was dispatched to check out the security fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of the base runway.
When I got to the scene, I found a raccoon was the culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare the animal away.
Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and announced loudly,
"Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are now cleared for takeoff."
********************************
Some things you
keep.
Like good teeth. Warm coats. Bald husbands. They're
good for you, reliable and practical and so sublime
that to throw them away would make the garbage man a
thief.
So you hang on, because something old is sometimes
better than something new, and what you know is often
better than a stranger.
These are my thoughts, they make me sound old, old and
tame, and dull at a time when everybody else is risky
and racy and flashing all that's new and improved in
their lives.
New careers, new thighs, new lips, new cars. The world
is dizzy with trade-ins. I could keep track, but I
don't think I want to.
I grew up in the fifties with practical parents - a
mother, God bless her, who washed aluminum foil after
she cooked in it, then reused it - and still does. A
father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than
buying new ones.
They weren't poor, my parents, they were just
satisfied. Their marriage was good, their dreams
focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away.
I
can see them now, Dad in trousers and tee shirt and
Mom in a house dress, lawn mower in his hand,
dishtowel in hers. It was a time for fixing things -
a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the
oven door, the hem in a dress.
Things you keep. It was a way of life, and sometimes
it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, reheating,
renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste
meant affluence. Throwing things away meant there'd
always be more.
But then my father died, and on that clear autumn
night, in the chill of the hospital room, I was struck
with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't
any 'more.' Sometimes what you care about most gets
all used up and goes away, never to return.
So, while you have it, it's best to love it and care
for it and fix it when it's broken and heal it when
it's sick. That's true for old cars and children with
bad report cards and dogs with bad hips and aging
parents. You keep them because they're worth it,
because you're worth it.
Some things you keep. Like a best friend that moved
away or a classmate you grew up with, there's just
some things that make life important.... people you
know are special....and you KEEP them close!
********************************
Flood Prediction
Meteorological experts predicted a massive flood that would destroy the world.
The Pope went on worldwide TV and said, "This is punishment from God. Prepare to meet your maker."
The president went on TV and announced, "Our scientist have done all they can. The end is near."
The mayor of Seattle came on and said, "Due to inclement weather, this year's Seafair Parade will be moved to the top of Queen Anne Hill."
********************************
Deer Tick Warning
Deer Tick Warning!!! I hate it when people forward
bogus warnings, but this one is real and it is
important. So please send this warning to everyone on
your e-mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are
conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take
your clothes off and dance around with your arms up,
DO NOT DO IT!!
IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid
now.
*****************************
I Remember...
You have to read this whole thing...it will definitely
make you smile.
Close your eyes...And go back... Before the Internet
or the MAC. Before semi automatics and crack. Before
SEGA or Super Nintendo... Way back...
I'm talking about hide-and-go seek at dusk. Red light,
Green light. Playing kickball & dodge ball until your
porch light came on. Mother May I? Red Rover. Hula
Hoops. Running through the sprinkler.
Happy Meals .
Wait...
Watching Saturday Morning cartoons like Fat Albert,
Road Runner, Smurfs, Picture Pages, G-Force & He-Man
Wonder Woman & Super Man Underoos. Playing Dukes of
Hazard Catching lightning bugs in a jar Christmas
morning... Your first day of school. Bedtime Prayers
and Goodnight Kisses. Climbing trees. Getting an Ice
Cream off the Ice Cream Truck. A million mosquito
bites and sticky fingers. Jumping down the steps.
Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights. Running 'til you
were out of breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach
hurt.
Being tired from playing... Your first crush... Rainy
days at school meant playing "Heads up 7Up" in the
class room. Remember that?
I'm not finished yet...
Kool-aid was the drink of summer. Toting your friends
on your handle bars. Wearing your new shoes on the
first day of school. Class Field Trips. When nearly
everyone's Mom was at home when the kids got there.
When a quarter seemed like a fair allowance, and
another quarter a miracle.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him
or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even
the kid, thought a thing of it.
When your parents took you to McDonalds and you were
so cool.
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing
compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving
student at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't
because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our
parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
And some of us are still afraid of them!!!
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah,
I remember that!"
There's nothing like the good old days! They were good
then and they're good now when we think about them.
Share some of these thoughts with a friend who can
relate, then share it with someone that missed out on
them. I want to go back to the time when...
Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo"
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do
over!" "Race issue"; meant arguing about who ran the
fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the
banker in "Monopoly". Catching the fireflies could
happily occupy an entire evening. It wasn't odd to
have two or three "best" friends. Being old, referred
to anyone over 20. The worst thing you could catch
from the opposite sex was cooties. Nobody was prettier
than Mom. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made
better. It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to
ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
Abilities were discovered because of a
"double-dog-dare". Spinning around, getting dizzy and
falling down was cause for giggles. The worst
embarrassment was being picked last for a team. Water
balloons were the ultimate, ultimate weapon. Older
siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the
fiercest protectors.
If you can remember most or all of these, then you
have LIVED!!!! Pass this on to anyone who may need a
break from their "grown up" life...
Saturday, May 28, 2005
hUMOR for May 28th
NOTE: I WILL BE AWAY FROM MY COMPUTER SUNDAY SO THE NEXT hUMOR POST WILL BE MONDAY MORNING.
DAN
********************************
You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When...
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.
A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady.This one's yours." Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. (Just means you get to take two weeks vacation, right?)
You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"
********************************
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up
raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down
to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise
he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this,
reluctantly decides to take her along.
Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just
outside of San Marcos,Texas.
Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and
tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and
I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get away from my deer!"
Confused and frightened Jake races faster towards his
screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from
my deer now!" followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
********************************
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I have eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, even with all his piercing and tattoos, and I love riding on the back of his big motorcycle. But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm next door at Sandy's. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!
********************************
Redneck IQ TestI am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?(A) '65 Ford Fairlane(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.3. If your uncle builds a still, which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw, which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during this shift?10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the interstate highway to breed a country and western singer?I betcha thought that test was gonna be an easy one, didn't you? It's okay if you didn't do all that well. Just goes to show you... There's a hole heap of things that big city book learning don't prepare you for in this life.As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE" here's some Southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece... Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with 'em.
********************************
Dirty Magazines
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband
called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that
dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had
to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many
men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new
platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.
My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty
magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."
DAN
********************************
You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When...
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.
A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady.This one's yours." Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.
While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.
You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. (Just means you get to take two weeks vacation, right?)
You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"
********************************
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up
raring to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down
to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise
he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this,
reluctantly decides to take her along.
Three hours later they arrive at a game preserve just
outside of San Marcos,Texas.
Jake sets his lovely wife safely up in the tree stand and
tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and
I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, "Get away from my deer!"
Confused and frightened Jake races faster towards his
screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, "Get away from
my deer now!" followed by another volley of gunfire!
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a Texas cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, "Okay, lady! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
********************************
A mother enters her daughter's bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
Dear Mom,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I have eloped with my new boyfriend. I found real passion and he is so nice, even with all his piercing and tattoos, and I love riding on the back of his big motorcycle. But it's not only that mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams. I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends, who are providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we may want. Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Some day I'll visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, it's not true. I'm next door at Sandy's. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk drawer...I love you!
********************************
Redneck IQ TestI am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?(A) '65 Ford Fairlane(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or(C) '64 Pontiac GTO.3. If your uncle builds a still, which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw, which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the percentage decrease in the ozone layer?6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?7. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?8. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?9. A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of the 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during this shift?10. At a reduction in the gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the interstate highway to breed a country and western singer?I betcha thought that test was gonna be an easy one, didn't you? It's okay if you didn't do all that well. Just goes to show you... There's a hole heap of things that big city book learning don't prepare you for in this life.As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE" here's some Southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece... Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with 'em.
********************************
Dirty Magazines
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband
called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that
dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had
to discipline the whole squad. I launched into a tirade, arguing that many
men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new
platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.
My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty
magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."
Friday, May 27, 2005
hUMOR For May 27th
********************************
Hair Mission
In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired model. I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair.
I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody.
It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Jester Pun
An unemployed jester is nobody's fool
********************************
Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al," were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"
Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any
Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor,
I'll ask the cooks."
He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No
sir, no Mexican Jews."
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to
believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook said
there is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Al asked once again, "I can't believe
there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and
grape Jews."
********************************
Here is today's Illustration.
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
********************************
I'm Just Fine
I'm Fine - How are you?
There's nothing the matter with me,
I'm just as healthy as can be,
I have arthritis in both knees,
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about.
I'm overweight and I can't get thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
And arch supports I need for my feet.
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
Old age is golden I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?
The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.
I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.
The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Is that for you and me, who are growing old.
It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.
I'M FINE!! HOW ARE YOU?
********************************
Compensating Factors
Two not-too-bright fellows were talking. One was explaining to the other
how the Good Lord often compensates for a person's natural deficiencies.
"You see," he said, "If someone is a bit blind he might have a very good
sense of hearing, or if his sense of taste has gone, he may have a keen
sense of smell."
"I agree with you," said the other. "I've always noticed that if someone
has one short leg, the other one is always just that little bit longer."
Hair Mission
In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired model. I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair.
I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody.
It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun. - Jester Pun
An unemployed jester is nobody's fool
********************************
Two Jewish men, "Sid" and "Al," were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. Sid asked Al, "Are there any people of our faith born and raised in Mexico?"
Al replied, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any
Mexican Jews?" and the waiter said, "I don't know Senor,
I'll ask the cooks."
He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said "No
sir, no Mexican Jews."
Al wasn't really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he was dealing with "Gringos" gave the expected answer, "I will check again, Senor!" and went back into the kitchen.
While the waiter was away, Sid said, "I find it hard to
believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returned and said, "Senor, the head cook said
there is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Al asked once again, "I can't believe
there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replied the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and
grape Jews."
********************************
Here is today's Illustration.
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
********************************
I'm Just Fine
I'm Fine - How are you?
There's nothing the matter with me,
I'm just as healthy as can be,
I have arthritis in both knees,
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze.
My pulse is weak, my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
All my teeth have had to come out,
And my diet I hate to think about.
I'm overweight and I can't get thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
And arch supports I need for my feet.
Or I wouldn't be able to go out in the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right.
My memory's failing, my head's in a spin.
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
Old age is golden I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed.
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up.
And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself,
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?
The reason I know my Youth has been spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But really I don't mind, when I think with a grin,
Of all the places my get-up has been.
I get up each morning and dust off my wits,
Pick up the paper and read the obits.
If my name is missing, I'm therefore not dead,
So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.
The moral of this as the tale unfolds,
Is that for you and me, who are growing old.
It is better to say "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let people know the shape we are in.
I'M FINE!! HOW ARE YOU?
********************************
Compensating Factors
Two not-too-bright fellows were talking. One was explaining to the other
how the Good Lord often compensates for a person's natural deficiencies.
"You see," he said, "If someone is a bit blind he might have a very good
sense of hearing, or if his sense of taste has gone, he may have a keen
sense of smell."
"I agree with you," said the other. "I've always noticed that if someone
has one short leg, the other one is always just that little bit longer."
Thursday, May 26, 2005
hUMOR For May 26th
********************************
"The father was very proud when his son went off to college. He came to tour the school on Parents' Day and observed his son hard at work in the chemistry lab. "What are you working on?" he asked.
"A universal solvent," explained the son, "a solvent that'll dissolve anything."
The father whistled, clearly impressed, then wondered aloud, "What'll you keep it in?"
********************************
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it
was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg
in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we
explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the
plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people:
Recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in
which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it
reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course,
is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out,
they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS: Why doesn't "buick" rhyme with "quick"?
********************************
Today on the way to work, I thought I saw a headline that read "Beer Recall." It actually read "Beef Recall."
The story explained the discovery of mad cow disease in the United States. Mad cow disease is a condition that causes wasting away of the brain, leading to dementia, loss of coordination, and death.
Now, will somebody please explain to me why they're not recalling beer?
********************************
An Old Farmer's Advice: * Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance. * Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. * A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. * Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled. * Meanness don't jes' happen overnight. * Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads. * Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. * It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. * You cannot unsay a cruel word. * Every path has a few puddles. * When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. * The best sermons are lived, not preached. * Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway. * Don't judge folks by their relatives. * Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. * Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. * Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none. * Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. * If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. * Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. * The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'. * Always drink upstream from the herd. * Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. * Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in. * If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. * Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
********************************
Happy Birthday
A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the
number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him. But when they finished their
off-key rendition, they
discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need
all the practice you can get."
"The father was very proud when his son went off to college. He came to tour the school on Parents' Day and observed his son hard at work in the chemistry lab. "What are you working on?" he asked.
"A universal solvent," explained the son, "a solvent that'll dissolve anything."
The father whistled, clearly impressed, then wondered aloud, "What'll you keep it in?"
********************************
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it
was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg
in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we
explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the
plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be
committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people:
Recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in
which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it
reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course,
is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out,
they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS: Why doesn't "buick" rhyme with "quick"?
********************************
Today on the way to work, I thought I saw a headline that read "Beer Recall." It actually read "Beef Recall."
The story explained the discovery of mad cow disease in the United States. Mad cow disease is a condition that causes wasting away of the brain, leading to dementia, loss of coordination, and death.
Now, will somebody please explain to me why they're not recalling beer?
********************************
An Old Farmer's Advice: * Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance. * Life is simpler when you plow around the stump. * A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. * Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled. * Meanness don't jes' happen overnight. * Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads. * Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you. * It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge. * You cannot unsay a cruel word. * Every path has a few puddles. * When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty. * The best sermons are lived, not preached. * Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway. * Don't judge folks by their relatives. * Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. * Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. * Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none. * Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. * If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'. * Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. * The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'. * Always drink upstream from the herd. * Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. * Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in. * If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around. * Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
********************************
Happy Birthday
A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the
number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him. But when they finished their
off-key rendition, they
discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.
"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need
all the practice you can get."
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
hUMOR For May 25th
********************************
We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride we talked about how the procedure would be performed.
"Dad," our teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"
Without hesitation he quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."
********************************
A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas.
The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said,
"Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs."
She said that if he didn't start speaking correct English,
she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.
A little furtyher along, they saw some more cowboys. "Hey
maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!" he
said.
So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.
He came home several months later on vacation. As they
walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys. "Hark!" he said, "What manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?"
********************************
Strangely enough, this is all true. I had heart bypass surgery. For recovery, they have you do an exercise program. So I go to the doctor and he asks if I have been exercising. I reply, "Yes. Religiously."
"How is it going?"
"Well, at first it was kind of tiring doing all that once a week..."
"Once a week?"
"Yeah, you know, religiously. Just like church. Every seven days."
********************************
"Don't just count your
blessings, recognize them..."
The Mississippi River was flooding its banks and the
waters were rising around Clem's house. The waters had
gotten to the level of the front porch where Clem was
standing. A man in a rowboat came by and called to
Clem, "Hop in and I'll take you to high ground."
Clem replied, "No, my God will save me!"
The river continued to rise to the second story
windows and Clem, looking out, saw a powerboat come
up. The man in the powerboat called to Clem, "Hop in
and I'll take you to high ground."
Clem replied, "No, my God will save me!"
The river had now risen to the roof of the house. Clem
was sitting on the ridge at the top of the house, with
the waters swirling around his feet. He saw a
helicoptor fly over and the people inside yelled over
a bull horn, "Grab the rope and climb in and we'll
take you to high ground."
Clem replied, "No, my God will save me!"
The river continued to rise and finally it engulfed
the house and Clem was drowned. The next thing he
knew, Clem was standing before his God. In anger, he
asked God, "I put my trust in you. Why have you
forsaken me?"
And his God replied, "What do you want from me? I sent
you a rowboat, a powerboat, and a helicopter!"
********************************
This, too, shall pass...
One day Solomon decided to humble Benaiah ben
Yehoyada, his most trusted minister. He said to him,
"Benaiah, there is a certain ring that I want you to
bring to me. I wish to wear it for Sukkot which gives
you six months to find it."
"If it exists anywhere on earth, your majesty,"
replied Benaiah, "I will find it and bring it to you,
but what makes the ring so special?"
"It has magic powers," answered the king. "If a happy
man looks at it, he becomes sad, and if a sad man
looks at it, he becomes happy." Solomon knew that no
such ring existed in the world, but he wished to give
his minister a little taste of humility.
Spring passed and then summer, and still Benaiah had
no idea where he could find the ring. On the night
before Sukkot, he decided to take a walk in one of he
poorest quarters of Jerusalem. He passed by a merchant
who had begun to set out the day's wares on a shabby
carpet. "Have you by any chance heard of a magic ring
that makes the happy wearer forget his joy and the broken-hearted wearer forget his sorrows?" asked Benaiah.
He watched the grandfather take a plain gold ring from
his carpet and engrave something on it. When Benaiah
read the words on the ring, his face broke out in a
wide smile.
That night the entire city welcomed in the holiday of
Sukkot with great festivity. "Well, my friend," said
Solomon, "have you found what I sent you after?" All
the ministers laughed and Solomon himself smiled.
To everyone's surprise, Benaiah held up a small gold
ring and declared, "Here it is, your majesty!" As soon
as Solomon read the inscription, the smile vanished
from his face. The jeweler had written three Hebrew
letters on the gold band: "gimel, zayin, yud", which
began the words "Gam zeh ya'avor" -- "This too shall
pass."
At that moment Solomon realized that all his wisdom
and fabulous wealth and tremendous power were but
fleeting things, for one day he would be nothing but
dust.
********************************
NEWS FLASH JUST IN FOR THE YEAR 2035. Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the world’s seventh largest country, California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally... Scientists astounded. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Iran’s physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity there decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being invaded by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery occur only when February 29 falls on a Wednesday. 35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. Massachusetts executes the state’s last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules any form of punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered as weapons by January 2036. Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. Female Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with former President Hillary Clinton. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%. South Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting Machine
We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride we talked about how the procedure would be performed.
"Dad," our teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"
Without hesitation he quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."
********************************
A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas.
The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said,
"Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs."
She said that if he didn't start speaking correct English,
she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.
A little furtyher along, they saw some more cowboys. "Hey
maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!" he
said.
So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.
He came home several months later on vacation. As they
walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys. "Hark!" he said, "What manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?"
********************************
Strangely enough, this is all true. I had heart bypass surgery. For recovery, they have you do an exercise program. So I go to the doctor and he asks if I have been exercising. I reply, "Yes. Religiously."
"How is it going?"
"Well, at first it was kind of tiring doing all that once a week..."
"Once a week?"
"Yeah, you know, religiously. Just like church. Every seven days."
********************************
"Don't just count your
blessings, recognize them..."
The Mississippi River was flooding its banks and the
waters were rising around Clem's house. The waters had
gotten to the level of the front porch where Clem was
standing. A man in a rowboat came by and called to
Clem, "Hop in and I'll take you to high ground."
Clem replied, "No, my God will save me!"
The river continued to rise to the second story
windows and Clem, looking out, saw a powerboat come
up. The man in the powerboat called to Clem, "Hop in
and I'll take you to high ground."
Clem replied, "No, my God will save me!"
The river had now risen to the roof of the house. Clem
was sitting on the ridge at the top of the house, with
the waters swirling around his feet. He saw a
helicoptor fly over and the people inside yelled over
a bull horn, "Grab the rope and climb in and we'll
take you to high ground."
Clem replied, "No, my God will save me!"
The river continued to rise and finally it engulfed
the house and Clem was drowned. The next thing he
knew, Clem was standing before his God. In anger, he
asked God, "I put my trust in you. Why have you
forsaken me?"
And his God replied, "What do you want from me? I sent
you a rowboat, a powerboat, and a helicopter!"
********************************
This, too, shall pass...
One day Solomon decided to humble Benaiah ben
Yehoyada, his most trusted minister. He said to him,
"Benaiah, there is a certain ring that I want you to
bring to me. I wish to wear it for Sukkot which gives
you six months to find it."
"If it exists anywhere on earth, your majesty,"
replied Benaiah, "I will find it and bring it to you,
but what makes the ring so special?"
"It has magic powers," answered the king. "If a happy
man looks at it, he becomes sad, and if a sad man
looks at it, he becomes happy." Solomon knew that no
such ring existed in the world, but he wished to give
his minister a little taste of humility.
Spring passed and then summer, and still Benaiah had
no idea where he could find the ring. On the night
before Sukkot, he decided to take a walk in one of he
poorest quarters of Jerusalem. He passed by a merchant
who had begun to set out the day's wares on a shabby
carpet. "Have you by any chance heard of a magic ring
that makes the happy wearer forget his joy and the broken-hearted wearer forget his sorrows?" asked Benaiah.
He watched the grandfather take a plain gold ring from
his carpet and engrave something on it. When Benaiah
read the words on the ring, his face broke out in a
wide smile.
That night the entire city welcomed in the holiday of
Sukkot with great festivity. "Well, my friend," said
Solomon, "have you found what I sent you after?" All
the ministers laughed and Solomon himself smiled.
To everyone's surprise, Benaiah held up a small gold
ring and declared, "Here it is, your majesty!" As soon
as Solomon read the inscription, the smile vanished
from his face. The jeweler had written three Hebrew
letters on the gold band: "gimel, zayin, yud", which
began the words "Gam zeh ya'avor" -- "This too shall
pass."
At that moment Solomon realized that all his wisdom
and fabulous wealth and tremendous power were but
fleeting things, for one day he would be nothing but
dust.
********************************
NEWS FLASH JUST IN FOR THE YEAR 2035. Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the world’s seventh largest country, California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally... Scientists astounded. Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage. Iran’s physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity there decreases to safe levels. France pleads for global help after being invaded by Jamaica. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery occur only when February 29 falls on a Wednesday. 35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. Massachusetts executes the state’s last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules any form of punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered as weapons by January 2036. Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. Female Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with former President Hillary Clinton. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%. South Florida voters still don't know how to use a voting Machine
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
hUMOR For May 24th
********************************
While on recess duty at the elementary school where I teach, I was talking with several second-graders about what they wanted to be when they grew up. Rhonda said that she was planning to be a nun.
"But, Rhonda," I protested, "last week you said you were going to be President." Giving me her most withering look, she retorted, "I can have two jobs if I want to."
********************************
A handyman was working for a temple in Allentown, PA, had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work.
First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born?" The man answered, "Pittsburgh," and was thrown out.
He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question. He was asked, "Where was Jesus born?" The man answered, "Philadelphia." He was tossed out.
Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed, "The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately."
The man said to the rabbi, "I will come back only if you answer a question. "Where was Jesus born?"
The rabbi says, "Bethlehem."
"HA!," cries the man. "I knew it was somewhere in Pennsylvania."
********************************
A Few Funnies
A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep
his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking
about chickens being great creatures, and as such they
had the right to go where they wanted.
The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of
his flower beds, and he had tried everything.
Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his
flower beds were doing great. The flowers were
beginning to bloom.
So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the
birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his
hens in his own yard?"
"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my
flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me
gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."
********************************
"According to a new medical study, it's healthy for a
wife to get angry at her husband than to keep it all
inside which can lead to disease. So guys when the
wife runs you over with the SUV, she's just trying to
live a healthier lifestyle."
********************************
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Why are there 3 interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why do people test the surface that has a WET PAINT sign
next to it?
Why do young women spend thousands of dollars on makeup to
look older, and when they are older, spend thousands of
dollars on anti-wrinkle cream to look younger?
Why do old guys with bad knees and bad backs buy low riding sport cars? Is it to look younger before or after the excruciating pain of getting in and out of them?
Why do women use gel and a blow-dryer to give their hair
that "just got out of bed" look when they had that look
before they used the gel and blow-dryer?
Why do people on diets eat potato chips and drink diet soda?
********************************
Picture Perfect
When I had a job at the photo-developing counter of a pharmacy, the film
was sometimes developed incorrectly. If this occurred, we did not charge
our customers.
Once a man came to pick up his pictures, which were marked $0.00,
indicating that not one of them had turned out right. The customer asked to
see the photos, and when I noticed the odd splotches of color all over the
pictures, I apologized profusely.
"Oh, no, these are fine," he said happily. "I'm a microbiologist. These
are my bacteria cultures."
While on recess duty at the elementary school where I teach, I was talking with several second-graders about what they wanted to be when they grew up. Rhonda said that she was planning to be a nun.
"But, Rhonda," I protested, "last week you said you were going to be President." Giving me her most withering look, she retorted, "I can have two jobs if I want to."
********************************
A handyman was working for a temple in Allentown, PA, had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work.
First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born?" The man answered, "Pittsburgh," and was thrown out.
He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question. He was asked, "Where was Jesus born?" The man answered, "Philadelphia." He was tossed out.
Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed, "The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately."
The man said to the rabbi, "I will come back only if you answer a question. "Where was Jesus born?"
The rabbi says, "Bethlehem."
"HA!," cries the man. "I knew it was somewhere in Pennsylvania."
********************************
A Few Funnies
A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep
his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept talking
about chickens being great creatures, and as such they
had the right to go where they wanted.
The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of
his flower beds, and he had tried everything.
Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his
flower beds were doing great. The flowers were
beginning to bloom.
So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the
birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his
hens in his own yard?"
"One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my
flower bed, and the next day I let my neighbor see me
gather them. I wasn't bothered after that."
********************************
"According to a new medical study, it's healthy for a
wife to get angry at her husband than to keep it all
inside which can lead to disease. So guys when the
wife runs you over with the SUV, she's just trying to
live a healthier lifestyle."
********************************
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Why are there 3 interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why do people test the surface that has a WET PAINT sign
next to it?
Why do young women spend thousands of dollars on makeup to
look older, and when they are older, spend thousands of
dollars on anti-wrinkle cream to look younger?
Why do old guys with bad knees and bad backs buy low riding sport cars? Is it to look younger before or after the excruciating pain of getting in and out of them?
Why do women use gel and a blow-dryer to give their hair
that "just got out of bed" look when they had that look
before they used the gel and blow-dryer?
Why do people on diets eat potato chips and drink diet soda?
********************************
Picture Perfect
When I had a job at the photo-developing counter of a pharmacy, the film
was sometimes developed incorrectly. If this occurred, we did not charge
our customers.
Once a man came to pick up his pictures, which were marked $0.00,
indicating that not one of them had turned out right. The customer asked to
see the photos, and when I noticed the odd splotches of color all over the
pictures, I apologized profusely.
"Oh, no, these are fine," he said happily. "I'm a microbiologist. These
are my bacteria cultures."
Monday, May 23, 2005
hUMOR For May 23rd
Some memorable quotes from Bob Hope:
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 ", I do not feel old. In fact, I do not feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ...the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY, "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS, "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES, "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
********************************
Looking For The Sun
I hope I never have to suffer
The way you do.
And I don't even know
How much life deserted you.
My misery is just a joke
Compared to what you must feel.
My greatest fear is an illusion,
To you, your fear is real.
You cry for help,
But you know they don't hear.
They're just too far
when you thought they were near.
You see no light
And you gave up on looking for the sun
Cause you need miracles
To come along - to find it.
******************************************************
Thanks to Memphisbelle -- Chronic fatigue syndrome
By Mayo Clinic staff
Chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) is a complicated
disorder characterized by profound fatigue that
doesn't improve with bed rest and may worsen with
physical or mental activity. Of all chronic illnesses,
CFS is one of the most mysterious. Unlike infections,
it has no clear cause. Unlike conditions such as
diabetes or anemia, there's essentially nothing to
measure. And unlike conditions such as heart disease,
there are relatively few treatment options.
CFS may occur after an infection such as a cold,
bronchitis, mononucleosis, hepatitis or intestinal
illness. It can start during or shortly after a period
of high stress or come on gradually without any clear
starting point and any obvious cause. CFS is a
flu-like condition that can drain your energy and
sometimes last for years. People previously healthy
and full of energy may experience extreme fatigue,
weakness and headaches as well as painful joints,
muscles and lymph nodes.
Women are diagnosed with CFS two to four times as
often as men are. However, it's unclear whether CFS
affects women more frequently or if women report it to
their doctors more often than men do. An estimated
500,000 people in the United States have a CFS-like
condition. CFS can affect a person of any age or race.
******************************************************
Thanks to J & G B: Blonde to the core
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football
game. They had great seats right behind their team's
bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the
tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just
couldn't understand why they were killing each other
for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it, and
then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming
was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Hel-LLLO...it's only 25 cents! I hate to think what they'd do if it was a whole DOLLAR?"
********************************
RR Conductor
Bob is a favorite conductor among commuters on the Long Island
Railroad. He has great rapport with the regulars, but occasionally runs
into a problem rider.
One passenger, for instance, seemed irritated at having to hand over his
ticket to be punched.
"Where are you going today?" Bob asked, smiling.
"Well, what does the ticket say?" replied the traveler sarcastically.
"Um, it says you're on the wrong train," Bob informed him.
"What am I supposed to do now?" asked the flustered passenger.
Returning the punched card, Bob replied calmly, "Ask the ticket."
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 ", I do not feel old. In fact, I do not feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ...the referee kept stepping on them."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY, "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS, "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES, "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
********************************
Looking For The Sun
I hope I never have to suffer
The way you do.
And I don't even know
How much life deserted you.
My misery is just a joke
Compared to what you must feel.
My greatest fear is an illusion,
To you, your fear is real.
You cry for help,
But you know they don't hear.
They're just too far
when you thought they were near.
You see no light
And you gave up on looking for the sun
Cause you need miracles
To come along - to find it.
******************************************************
Thanks to Memphisbelle -- Chronic fatigue syndrome
By Mayo Clinic staff
Chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS) is a complicated
disorder characterized by profound fatigue that
doesn't improve with bed rest and may worsen with
physical or mental activity. Of all chronic illnesses,
CFS is one of the most mysterious. Unlike infections,
it has no clear cause. Unlike conditions such as
diabetes or anemia, there's essentially nothing to
measure. And unlike conditions such as heart disease,
there are relatively few treatment options.
CFS may occur after an infection such as a cold,
bronchitis, mononucleosis, hepatitis or intestinal
illness. It can start during or shortly after a period
of high stress or come on gradually without any clear
starting point and any obvious cause. CFS is a
flu-like condition that can drain your energy and
sometimes last for years. People previously healthy
and full of energy may experience extreme fatigue,
weakness and headaches as well as painful joints,
muscles and lymph nodes.
Women are diagnosed with CFS two to four times as
often as men are. However, it's unclear whether CFS
affects women more frequently or if women report it to
their doctors more often than men do. An estimated
500,000 people in the United States have a CFS-like
condition. CFS can affect a person of any age or race.
******************************************************
Thanks to J & G B: Blonde to the core
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football
game. They had great seats right behind their team's
bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the
tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just
couldn't understand why they were killing each other
for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it, and
then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming
was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' Hel-LLLO...it's only 25 cents! I hate to think what they'd do if it was a whole DOLLAR?"
********************************
RR Conductor
Bob is a favorite conductor among commuters on the Long Island
Railroad. He has great rapport with the regulars, but occasionally runs
into a problem rider.
One passenger, for instance, seemed irritated at having to hand over his
ticket to be punched.
"Where are you going today?" Bob asked, smiling.
"Well, what does the ticket say?" replied the traveler sarcastically.
"Um, it says you're on the wrong train," Bob informed him.
"What am I supposed to do now?" asked the flustered passenger.
Returning the punched card, Bob replied calmly, "Ask the ticket."
Sunday, May 22, 2005
hUMOR For May 22nd
********************************
Insured Voice
A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his
congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my
voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."
There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room.
Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly
woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"
********************************
I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead. "Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband.
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
********************************
Being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right.
You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.
You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem.
You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.
I am to check their heads for! lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.
Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card.
All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!
You want me to do all of this and yet , you expect me..... NOT TO PRAY?"
********************************
My Updated Resume
My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just
couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't
suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that
was too exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a
little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the
thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced
it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I
found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't
have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried, but I just
didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that
I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool
maintenance company, but the work was just too
draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said
I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I
finally got a job as a historian, but there was no
future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to
quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED, AND FOUND THAT I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB
********************************
MAY YOU HAVE ENOUGH
Happiness to keep you sweet
Trials to keep you strong
Sorrow to keep you human
Hope to keep you happy
Failure to keep you humble
Success to keep you eager
Friends to give you comfort
Wealth to meet your needs
Enthusiasm to make you look forward to tomorrow
Determination to make each day better than the day
before
(Author Unknown)
Insured Voice
A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his
congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my
voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."
There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room.
Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly
woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"
********************************
I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead. "Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband.
"What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"
********************************
Being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right.
You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.
You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem.
You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.
I am to check their heads for! lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.
Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card.
All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!
You want me to do all of this and yet , you expect me..... NOT TO PRAY?"
********************************
My Updated Resume
My first job was working in an orange juice factory,
but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just
couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't
suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that
was too exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a
little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the
thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced
it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I
found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't
have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory. I tried, but I just
didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that
I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool
maintenance company, but the work was just too
draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said
I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I
finally got a job as a historian, but there was no
future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to
quit because it was always the same old grind.
SO I RETIRED, AND FOUND THAT I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB
********************************
MAY YOU HAVE ENOUGH
Happiness to keep you sweet
Trials to keep you strong
Sorrow to keep you human
Hope to keep you happy
Failure to keep you humble
Success to keep you eager
Friends to give you comfort
Wealth to meet your needs
Enthusiasm to make you look forward to tomorrow
Determination to make each day better than the day
before
(Author Unknown)
Saturday, May 21, 2005
hUMOR For May 21st
********************************
Sherlock Holmes
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes,
purportedly told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris. Before
he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked, "Where can I
take you, Mr. Doyle?"
Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever seen him before.
"No, sir," the driver responded, "I have never seen you before." Then he
explained, "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in
Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles
always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The
ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer.
Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces
of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"This is truly amazing!" the writer exclaimed. "You are a real-life
counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!"
"There is one other thing," the driver said.
"What is that?"
"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."
********************************
It was testimony night in the church. A lady got up and said, "We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight with the old devil all week."
Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side said, "It's not all my fault either; she's tough to get along with."
********************************
A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day.
The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again.
When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads.
The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV.
When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem.
The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.
********************************
EXHORTATIONS AND STUFF ed. Whit Sasser --
Housewife Joke
Three men were sitting together bragging about how
they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and
bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do
all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at
their house. He said that it took a couple days but on
the third day he came home to a clean house and the
dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Florida. He
bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was
to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He
told them that the first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day it was better. By the third
day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he
had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Arkansas girl. He boasted
that he told her that her duties were to keep the
house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry
washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He
said the first day he didn't see anything, the second
day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most
of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a
bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and phone a
landscaper.
******************************************************
Thanks to G and J K: THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious
differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute
of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on
Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to
kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out
alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk
to me
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are
missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,
why--is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being
under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be
When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want
Fries With That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash
advance
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was
already taken.
25..He who dies with the most toys is none the less
dead.
26.A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up
three thousand times the memory.
27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a
lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background
music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a
Smith and Wesson.
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're
paying for.
Will Rogers
Sherlock Holmes
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes,
purportedly told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris. Before
he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked, "Where can I
take you, Mr. Doyle?"
Doyle was flabbergasted. He asked the driver if he had ever seen him before.
"No, sir," the driver responded, "I have never seen you before." Then he
explained, "This morning's paper had a story about you being on vacation in
Marseilles. This is the taxi stand where people who return from Marseilles
always come to. Your skin color tells me you have been on vacation. The
ink-spot on your right index finger suggests to me that you are a writer.
Your clothing is very English, and not French. Adding up all those pieces
of information, I deduced that you are Sir Arthur Conan Doyle."
"This is truly amazing!" the writer exclaimed. "You are a real-life
counter-part to my fictional creation, Sherlock Holmes!"
"There is one other thing," the driver said.
"What is that?"
"Your name is on the front of your suitcase."
********************************
It was testimony night in the church. A lady got up and said, "We are living in a wicked land where sin is on every hand. I have had a terrible fight with the old devil all week."
Whereupon her husband, who was sitting glumly by her side said, "It's not all my fault either; she's tough to get along with."
********************************
A farmer finally decided to buy a TV. The store assured him that they would install the antenna and TV the next day.
The next evening the farmer turned on his new TV and found only political ads on every channel. The next morning he turned the TV on and found only political ads again.
When he came in to eat lunch he tried the TV again but still only found political ads.
The next day when he still found only political ads he called the store to complain. The owner said that it was impossible for every channel to only have political ads, but agreed to send their repairman to check the TV.
When the TV repairman turned on the TV he found that the farmer was right. After looking at the TV for a while he went outside to check the antenna. In a few minutes he returned and told the farmer he had found the problem.
The antenna had been installed on top of the windmill and grounded to the manure spreader.
********************************
EXHORTATIONS AND STUFF ed. Whit Sasser --
Housewife Joke
Three men were sitting together bragging about how
they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Alabama, and
bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do
all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at
their house. He said that it took a couple days but on
the third day he came home to a clean house and the
dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Florida. He
bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was
to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He
told them that the first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day it was better. By the third
day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he
had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Arkansas girl. He boasted
that he told her that her duties were to keep the
house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry
washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He
said the first day he didn't see anything, the second
day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most
of the swelling had gone down and he could see a
little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a
bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and phone a
landscaper.
******************************************************
Thanks to G and J K: THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious
differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute
of it.
3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on
Me!
4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to
kill them.
5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out
alive.
7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk
to me
8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are
missing.
11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy,
why--is-the-room-spinning medicine.
13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being
under it!
18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be
When I Grew up.
19.. Procrastinate Now!
20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want
Fries With That?
21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash
advance
23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was
already taken.
25..He who dies with the most toys is none the less
dead.
26.A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up
three thousand times the memory.
27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a
lifetime commitment for a pig.
28.. The trouble with life is there's no background
music.
29.. The original point and click interface was a
Smith and Wesson.
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're
paying for.
Will Rogers
Friday, May 20, 2005
hUMOR For May 20th
********************************
Golfer at the Dentist...
A golfer and his wife rushed into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one big hurry! I have
two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So
forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with
it. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness! this sure is
a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything
to kill the pain."
So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and
show the doctor which tooth hurts."
********************************
During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myself with their capabilities. One day I was aboard an intelligence aircraft where each crew member was surrounded by complex gear.
A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chat screen, Sir," the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemy information to the crew. It's like instant messaging."
Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's screen several feet away was this warning: "Heads up! The colonel's on the way!"
********************************
During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myself with their capabilities. One day I was aboard an intelligence aircraft where each crew member was surrounded by complex gear.
A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chat screen, Sir," the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemy information to the crew. It's like instant messaging."
Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's screen several feet away was this warning: "Heads up! The colonel's on the way!"
********************************
There were three country churches in a small Texas town: Presbyterian, Methodist and Catholic. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
The Methodist group got together and decided that they were
not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution: They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.
********************************
If Only Life Were More Like a Computer
Think of it. . .
If you messed up a relationship, you could just press "CTRL, ALT, DELETE" and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, you'd simply click on "RUN"!
To get a little break from life, you'd click on "SUSPEND"; then, when you were ready, you'd press "any key" to get back on the merry-go-round.
To scare away moles, you'd turn up the sound blaster.
To add/remove someone in your life, you'd click "SETTINGS" and CONTROL PANEL.
To improve your appearance, you could just adjust the DISPLAY settings.
If life got too noisy, you'd turn off the speakers.
If you lost your car keys, you'd click on "FIND."
"HELP" with the chores would be just a single click away.
You'd never need car insurance you'd use your handy diskette to recover from a crash.
And all you'd need to do to get a pizza would be to click on "SEND NOW"!
********************************
From the Classroom
My home-schooled, teenage granddaughter was also my classroom aid. She
called me "Mrs. Abbott" while in the classroom. One day she slipped and
called me "Grandmother." The whole class was amazed that a grandmother was
their teacher. Many stated I didn't look like a grandmother. Finally one
little girl looked at me and turned to the class and said, "Well she is
growing extra skin!"
(Aren't children wonderful!)
********************************
Relatives
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and
pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of
yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
********************************
ITALIAN PASTA DIET
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.
The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of
sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. "Speaking
English" is apparently what kills you.
********************************
TEACHER APPLICANT
After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teachingprospect said, "Let me see if I've got this right You want me to go intothat room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with alove for learning.
And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modifytheir disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censortheir T-shirt messages and dress habits. You want me to wage a war on drugsand sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of massdestruction, and raise their self esteem.
You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fairplay, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to applyfor a job. I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment,recognize signs of anti-social behavior, offer advice, write letters ofrecommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respectfor the cultural diversity of others, and oh, make sure that I give thegirls in my class fifty percent of my attention.
My contract requires me to work on my own time after school, evenings andweekends grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation, at my ownexpense, working toward advance certification and a Masters degree. And onmy own time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTAmeetings, and participate in staff development training.
I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presencewill awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. Youwant me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor websites, and relate personally with each student. That includes deciding whomight be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school.
I am to make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even thosewho don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equaleducation regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap.
And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone,newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece ofchalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on astarting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!
You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me...... NOT TO PRAY
Golfer at the Dentist...
A golfer and his wife rushed into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one big hurry! I have
two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So
forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with
it. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness! this sure is
a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything
to kill the pain."
So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and
show the doctor which tooth hurts."
********************************
During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myself with their capabilities. One day I was aboard an intelligence aircraft where each crew member was surrounded by complex gear.
A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chat screen, Sir," the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemy information to the crew. It's like instant messaging."
Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's screen several feet away was this warning: "Heads up! The colonel's on the way!"
********************************
During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myself with their capabilities. One day I was aboard an intelligence aircraft where each crew member was surrounded by complex gear.
A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chat screen, Sir," the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemy information to the crew. It's like instant messaging."
Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's screen several feet away was this warning: "Heads up! The colonel's on the way!"
********************************
There were three country churches in a small Texas town: Presbyterian, Methodist and Catholic. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
The Methodist group got together and decided that they were
not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution: They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.
********************************
If Only Life Were More Like a Computer
Think of it. . .
If you messed up a relationship, you could just press "CTRL, ALT, DELETE" and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, you'd simply click on "RUN"!
To get a little break from life, you'd click on "SUSPEND"; then, when you were ready, you'd press "any key" to get back on the merry-go-round.
To scare away moles, you'd turn up the sound blaster.
To add/remove someone in your life, you'd click "SETTINGS" and CONTROL PANEL.
To improve your appearance, you could just adjust the DISPLAY settings.
If life got too noisy, you'd turn off the speakers.
If you lost your car keys, you'd click on "FIND."
"HELP" with the chores would be just a single click away.
You'd never need car insurance you'd use your handy diskette to recover from a crash.
And all you'd need to do to get a pizza would be to click on "SEND NOW"!
********************************
From the Classroom
My home-schooled, teenage granddaughter was also my classroom aid. She
called me "Mrs. Abbott" while in the classroom. One day she slipped and
called me "Grandmother." The whole class was amazed that a grandmother was
their teacher. Many stated I didn't look like a grandmother. Finally one
little girl looked at me and turned to the class and said, "Well she is
growing extra skin!"
(Aren't children wonderful!)
********************************
Relatives
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and
pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of
yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
********************************
ITALIAN PASTA DIET
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.
The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of
sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. "Speaking
English" is apparently what kills you.
********************************
TEACHER APPLICANT
After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teachingprospect said, "Let me see if I've got this right You want me to go intothat room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with alove for learning.
And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modifytheir disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censortheir T-shirt messages and dress habits. You want me to wage a war on drugsand sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of massdestruction, and raise their self esteem.
You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fairplay, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to applyfor a job. I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment,recognize signs of anti-social behavior, offer advice, write letters ofrecommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respectfor the cultural diversity of others, and oh, make sure that I give thegirls in my class fifty percent of my attention.
My contract requires me to work on my own time after school, evenings andweekends grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation, at my ownexpense, working toward advance certification and a Masters degree. And onmy own time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTAmeetings, and participate in staff development training.
I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presencewill awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. Youwant me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor websites, and relate personally with each student. That includes deciding whomight be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school.
I am to make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even thosewho don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equaleducation regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap.
And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone,newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece ofchalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on astarting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!
You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me...... NOT TO PRAY
Thursday, May 19, 2005
hUMOR For May 19th
********************************
A goober goes to a show and after sitting down, a ventriloquist comes on the stage, and goes through the routine goober jokes.
Suddenly the goober jumps up screaming, blaming the man for the way she is treated at work and presented in the media.
The ventriloquist starts to apologize.
The goober then looks at him and says, "Look, you stay out of this, I'm talking to that little guy on your knee."
********************************
An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed
up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling
him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad; It's the best I could do at this time."
********************************
Sally had lived a good life, having been married four times. Now she stood before the Pearly Gates. The angel at the gates said to her, "I see that you first of all married a banker, then an actor, next a pastor and lastly an undertaker. Why? This does not seem appropriate for a Christian woman."
"Oh yes it is," Sally replied. "It's one for the money, two for the show, three to make ready and four to go."
********************************
What Kind of Christian Are
You?
Some are like wheelbarrows---require being pushed.
Some are a bit like canoes----need paddling.
Some are like kittens----more content when petted.
Some are like footballs----no one can tell which way
they will bounce
Some are like balloons--full of wind and ready to
explode.
Some are like neon signs---keep going on and off.
Sone are like a "dead battery " no energy or power.
Some are like a hitchhiker---willing to ride and let
you pay the bills.
Some are like an iceberg----cold and dangerous.
Some are like a candle under a bushel---useless.
Some are like salt mixed with sand---no saving
power.
Some are like little children---no sense of
responsibility.
Some are like falling leaves---carried away with the
slightest wind of doctrine.
Some are like the rock of gibraltar---firm, unmovable.
WHICH KIND ARE YOU?
********************************
Hillary Depressed...
A man notices a police officer walking between the
lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and
asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"
The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, so
she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse
herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She says
her husband has spent all her money and the Democrats
told her to forget about running for President in
2008, so we're taking up a collection for her.
The stock broker asks, "How much do you have you so
far?"
The officer replies "About 75 gallons, but a lot of
folks are still siphoning...
********************************
Church Gossip
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter
of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in the
other members' private lives. Church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George,
a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his
pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar
one afternoon. She commented to George and others that
everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment
and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or
deny; he said nothing. Later that evening, George
quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's
house... and left it there all night!
********************************
A True Southern Gal...
A woman from the most southern part of South Carolina goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is a dollar per word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, just let it read, 'Billy Bob died'." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a seven word minimum on all obituaries." A little flustered, she thinks things over and replies, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - Red truck for sale'.
A goober goes to a show and after sitting down, a ventriloquist comes on the stage, and goes through the routine goober jokes.
Suddenly the goober jumps up screaming, blaming the man for the way she is treated at work and presented in the media.
The ventriloquist starts to apologize.
The goober then looks at him and says, "Look, you stay out of this, I'm talking to that little guy on your knee."
********************************
An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in Long Kesh Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "For HEAVEN'S SAKE Dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"
At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed
up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling
him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now plant your potatoes, Dad; It's the best I could do at this time."
********************************
Sally had lived a good life, having been married four times. Now she stood before the Pearly Gates. The angel at the gates said to her, "I see that you first of all married a banker, then an actor, next a pastor and lastly an undertaker. Why? This does not seem appropriate for a Christian woman."
"Oh yes it is," Sally replied. "It's one for the money, two for the show, three to make ready and four to go."
********************************
What Kind of Christian Are
You?
Some are like wheelbarrows---require being pushed.
Some are a bit like canoes----need paddling.
Some are like kittens----more content when petted.
Some are like footballs----no one can tell which way
they will bounce
Some are like balloons--full of wind and ready to
explode.
Some are like neon signs---keep going on and off.
Sone are like a "dead battery " no energy or power.
Some are like a hitchhiker---willing to ride and let
you pay the bills.
Some are like an iceberg----cold and dangerous.
Some are like a candle under a bushel---useless.
Some are like salt mixed with sand---no saving
power.
Some are like little children---no sense of
responsibility.
Some are like falling leaves---carried away with the
slightest wind of doctrine.
Some are like the rock of gibraltar---firm, unmovable.
WHICH KIND ARE YOU?
********************************
Hillary Depressed...
A man notices a police officer walking between the
lines of stopped cars, so he rolls down his window and
asks, "Officer, what's the hold up?"
The officer replies, "Hillary Clinton is depressed, so
she stopped her motorcade and is threatening to douse
herself in gasoline and set herself on fire. She says
her husband has spent all her money and the Democrats
told her to forget about running for President in
2008, so we're taking up a collection for her.
The stock broker asks, "How much do you have you so
far?"
The officer replies "About 75 gallons, but a lot of
folks are still siphoning...
********************************
Church Gossip
Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter
of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in the
other members' private lives. Church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George,
a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his
pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar
one afternoon. She commented to George and others that
everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment
and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or
deny; he said nothing. Later that evening, George
quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's
house... and left it there all night!
********************************
A True Southern Gal...
A woman from the most southern part of South Carolina goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is a dollar per word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, just let it read, 'Billy Bob died'." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a seven word minimum on all obituaries." A little flustered, she thinks things over and replies, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - Red truck for sale'.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
hUMOR For May 18th
********************************
First a serious note:
Dirt Roads
What's mainly wrong with society today is that too many Dirt Roads have been paved. There's not a problem in America today; crime, drugs, education, divorce, delinquency... that wouldn't be remedied, if we just had more Dirt Roads, because Dirt Roads give character. People that live at the end of Dirt Roads learn early on that life is a bumpy ride. That it can jar you right down to your teeth sometimes, but it's worth it, if at the end there is a home...a loving spouse, happy kids and a dog. We wouldn't have nearly as much trouble with our educational system if our kids got their exercise walking a Dirt Road with other kids, from whom they learn how to get along. There was less crime in our streets before they were paved. Criminals didn't walk two dusty miles to rob or rape if they knew they'd be welcomed by five barking dogs and a double barrel shotgun. And there were no drive by shootings. Our values were better when our roads were worse! People did not worship their cars more than their kids, and motorists were more courteous, they didn't tailgate by riding the bumper or the guy in front would choke you with dust & bust your windshield with rocks. Dirt Roads taught patience. Dirt Roads were environmentally friendly, you didn't hop in your car for a quart of milk; you walked to the barn for your milk. For your mail, you walked to the mail box. What if it rained and the Dirt Road got washed out? That was the best part, because then you stayed home and had some family time, roasted marshmallows and popped popcorn and pony rode on Daddy's shoulders and learned how to make prettier quilts than anybody. At the end of Dirt Roads, you soon learned that bad words tasted like soap. Most paved roads lead to trouble, Dirt Roads more likely lead to a fishing creek or a swimming hole. At the end of a Dirt Road, the only time we even locked our car was in August, because if we didn't some neighbor would fill it with too much zucchini. At the end of a Dirt Road, there was always extra springtime income, from when city dudes would get stuck, you'd have to hitch up a team and pull them out. Usually you got a dollar...always you got a new friend... at the end of a Dirt Road.
-Paul Harvey
********************************
Satisfaction
Q. Who is more satisfied, a man with a million dollars, or a man with six
children?
A. The man with six children. The man with a million dollars wants more.
********************************
Le Steak
A man and his wife are seated in a fancy French
restaurant for dinner. After the waiter arrives the
man says: "I'll have your biggest, thickest
Porterhouse steak."
The waiter replies: "Monsieur.....what about ze mad
cow?"
The man replies: "She'll have a salad."
********************************
Ten
Little Christians
Ten Little Christians came to church all the time;
One fell out with the preacher, then there were nine.
Nine Little Christians stayed up late;
One overslept on Sunday, then there were eight.
Eight Little Christians on their way to Heaven;
One took the low road, then there were seven.
Seven Little Christians, chirping like chicks;
One didn't like the singing, then there were six.
Six Little Christians seemed very much alive;
One took a vacation, then there were five.
Five Little Christians pulling for Heaven's shore;
One stopped to take a rest, then there were four.
Four Little Christians each as busy as a bee;
One had his feelings hurt, then there were three.
Three Little Christians couldn't decide what to do;
One couldn't have his way, then there were two.
Two Little Christians each won one more;
Now don't you see, two plus two equals four.
Four Little Christians worked early and late;
Each brought one, now there were eight.
Eight Little Christians if they double as before;
In just seven Sundays, we have one thousand twenty
four.
In this jingle there is a lesson true;
You belong either to the building, or to the wrecking
crew.
~Author Unknown
********************************
Nearing the parish church during his daily walk, a young man saw that some shubbery was on fire. He banged on the rectory door and told the woman who opened it she'd better call the fire department. She ran to the phone, and he heard her place the call. She identified herself, gave the location, and explained the situation.
"You mean to tell me," said the emergency dispatcher, "that there's a burning bush on the church lawn, and you want us to put it out?!?"
********************************
THE "FORWARDER'S" 12 STEP PROGRAM
Sometimes friends have to tell you things you might not like
to hear, but need to. GCFL is that kind of friend. Everyone
say it with me...
1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my
mailing lists if I DON'T forward an e-mail!
2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do
forward an e-mail.
3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money. Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.
4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or
freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail!
(If you do, you have a virus or trojan.)
7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program and
I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me
$100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish
program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS!
9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called
901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!
11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to
certain individuals dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into
forwarding at email by telling me if I don't I am not their friend or that I'm a bad person.
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized,
and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the
next full moon or you will gain twenty pounds in the next
three months! (No, not really! If you believe that last statement, go back and read this message again!)
First a serious note:
Dirt Roads
What's mainly wrong with society today is that too many Dirt Roads have been paved. There's not a problem in America today; crime, drugs, education, divorce, delinquency... that wouldn't be remedied, if we just had more Dirt Roads, because Dirt Roads give character. People that live at the end of Dirt Roads learn early on that life is a bumpy ride. That it can jar you right down to your teeth sometimes, but it's worth it, if at the end there is a home...a loving spouse, happy kids and a dog. We wouldn't have nearly as much trouble with our educational system if our kids got their exercise walking a Dirt Road with other kids, from whom they learn how to get along. There was less crime in our streets before they were paved. Criminals didn't walk two dusty miles to rob or rape if they knew they'd be welcomed by five barking dogs and a double barrel shotgun. And there were no drive by shootings. Our values were better when our roads were worse! People did not worship their cars more than their kids, and motorists were more courteous, they didn't tailgate by riding the bumper or the guy in front would choke you with dust & bust your windshield with rocks. Dirt Roads taught patience. Dirt Roads were environmentally friendly, you didn't hop in your car for a quart of milk; you walked to the barn for your milk. For your mail, you walked to the mail box. What if it rained and the Dirt Road got washed out? That was the best part, because then you stayed home and had some family time, roasted marshmallows and popped popcorn and pony rode on Daddy's shoulders and learned how to make prettier quilts than anybody. At the end of Dirt Roads, you soon learned that bad words tasted like soap. Most paved roads lead to trouble, Dirt Roads more likely lead to a fishing creek or a swimming hole. At the end of a Dirt Road, the only time we even locked our car was in August, because if we didn't some neighbor would fill it with too much zucchini. At the end of a Dirt Road, there was always extra springtime income, from when city dudes would get stuck, you'd have to hitch up a team and pull them out. Usually you got a dollar...always you got a new friend... at the end of a Dirt Road.
-Paul Harvey
********************************
Satisfaction
Q. Who is more satisfied, a man with a million dollars, or a man with six
children?
A. The man with six children. The man with a million dollars wants more.
********************************
Le Steak
A man and his wife are seated in a fancy French
restaurant for dinner. After the waiter arrives the
man says: "I'll have your biggest, thickest
Porterhouse steak."
The waiter replies: "Monsieur.....what about ze mad
cow?"
The man replies: "She'll have a salad."
********************************
Ten
Little Christians
Ten Little Christians came to church all the time;
One fell out with the preacher, then there were nine.
Nine Little Christians stayed up late;
One overslept on Sunday, then there were eight.
Eight Little Christians on their way to Heaven;
One took the low road, then there were seven.
Seven Little Christians, chirping like chicks;
One didn't like the singing, then there were six.
Six Little Christians seemed very much alive;
One took a vacation, then there were five.
Five Little Christians pulling for Heaven's shore;
One stopped to take a rest, then there were four.
Four Little Christians each as busy as a bee;
One had his feelings hurt, then there were three.
Three Little Christians couldn't decide what to do;
One couldn't have his way, then there were two.
Two Little Christians each won one more;
Now don't you see, two plus two equals four.
Four Little Christians worked early and late;
Each brought one, now there were eight.
Eight Little Christians if they double as before;
In just seven Sundays, we have one thousand twenty
four.
In this jingle there is a lesson true;
You belong either to the building, or to the wrecking
crew.
~Author Unknown
********************************
Nearing the parish church during his daily walk, a young man saw that some shubbery was on fire. He banged on the rectory door and told the woman who opened it she'd better call the fire department. She ran to the phone, and he heard her place the call. She identified herself, gave the location, and explained the situation.
"You mean to tell me," said the emergency dispatcher, "that there's a burning bush on the church lawn, and you want us to put it out?!?"
********************************
THE "FORWARDER'S" 12 STEP PROGRAM
Sometimes friends have to tell you things you might not like
to hear, but need to. GCFL is that kind of friend. Everyone
say it with me...
1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my
mailing lists if I DON'T forward an e-mail!
2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do
forward an e-mail.
3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money. Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.
4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or
freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail!
(If you do, you have a virus or trojan.)
7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program and
I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me
$100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish
program in England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS!
9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called
901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!
11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to
certain individuals dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into
forwarding at email by telling me if I don't I am not their friend or that I'm a bad person.
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized,
and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the
next full moon or you will gain twenty pounds in the next
three months! (No, not really! If you believe that last statement, go back and read this message again!)
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
hUMOR For May 17th
********************************
A man was out sailing at sea in the middle of a storm when a particularly large wave overturned his boat. He fell into the sea and was forced to tread water to stay afloat.
He stayed there for several hours until a rescue helicopter flew overhead. A rope was lowered with a lifeguard worker on the end of it. He reached out to grab the man, but being very religious, he said, "No thank you. God will save me eventually." The helicopter flew off.
After another few hours, a lifeboat came along, but again
the man told them to go away, as God would save him.
Eventually, the man died of freezing in the water. As his
soul drifted up to heaven, he said to Saint Peter, "Why
didn't God save me?"
Saint Peter said, "He sent a rescue helicopter and a
lifeboat! What more did you want?"
********************************
A Catholic woman, a Protestant woman and a Jewish woman die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gate to heaven.
The Catholic woman says, "I've been a good wife and mother, I took good care of my family and I want to go to heaven." St. Peter tells her to go to the left.
The Protestant woman says, "I've been a good woman. I kept my house clean and cooked and took care of my family, and went to church every Sunday." St. Peter tells her to step to the left also.
The Jewish woman tells St. Peter, "I've been a good woman, I made Shabbos every Friday, I went to the synagogue on the holidays, and took care of my family." St. Peter tells her to step to the right.
She immediately asks him, "Why did you tell me to go to the right and you told the other two women to go to the left?"
********************************
Redneck Painter
Gotta love them Rednecks !!! *j
Redneck Billy Joe Bob, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon
people from all over the country were coming to him
for paintings. One day, a beautiful young woman pulled
up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Billy Joe
Bob if he would paint her in the nude. This was the
first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful
lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay
$50,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his
cousin/wife Bobby Sue, Billy Joe Bob asked the lady to
wait while he went in the house and conferred with his cousin/wife Bobby Sue. In a few minutes he re-turned and told the lady he was willing to do it. However, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes.
(Yeah, I know... but it is very funny [to me] so I
used it anyway... ed.)
********************************
This was a story told to us by our chemistry master at school. A student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.
Out of the corner of his eye, the professor observed what the student was about to do and hurried over. After confirming this was what was intended, he asked the student to first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.
Puzzled, the student followed after him to ask the purpose of this action.
"It will give me time to run away," said the professor.
********************************
POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM
I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met
with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier
smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side
and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this
room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on
this gown. Everything clearrrr?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda--try decaf. This ain't rocket
science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of
horrors.
Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this
machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B
to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls
aren't made of sugar and spice and everything
nice.... it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and
twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and
still pop back into shape.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me
(literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you
stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can
get everything?"
Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of
air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my
legs and neck and finish me off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity
(with my other boob wedged between those two 4" pieces
of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off! "What?" I
yelled.
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag."
Belinda headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone,
are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy ..
the door's wide open so you'll have the emer gency
hall lights. I'll be righttttt backkkk."
Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And
that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men
extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me
dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part
smashed between glass! After exchanging polite "Hi,
how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly
Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the
power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much
calmness as possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."
"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye
as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery
store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish
grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement,
she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on
and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went
to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up
between the clamps........
A man was out sailing at sea in the middle of a storm when a particularly large wave overturned his boat. He fell into the sea and was forced to tread water to stay afloat.
He stayed there for several hours until a rescue helicopter flew overhead. A rope was lowered with a lifeguard worker on the end of it. He reached out to grab the man, but being very religious, he said, "No thank you. God will save me eventually." The helicopter flew off.
After another few hours, a lifeboat came along, but again
the man told them to go away, as God would save him.
Eventually, the man died of freezing in the water. As his
soul drifted up to heaven, he said to Saint Peter, "Why
didn't God save me?"
Saint Peter said, "He sent a rescue helicopter and a
lifeboat! What more did you want?"
********************************
A Catholic woman, a Protestant woman and a Jewish woman die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gate to heaven.
The Catholic woman says, "I've been a good wife and mother, I took good care of my family and I want to go to heaven." St. Peter tells her to go to the left.
The Protestant woman says, "I've been a good woman. I kept my house clean and cooked and took care of my family, and went to church every Sunday." St. Peter tells her to step to the left also.
The Jewish woman tells St. Peter, "I've been a good woman, I made Shabbos every Friday, I went to the synagogue on the holidays, and took care of my family." St. Peter tells her to step to the right.
She immediately asks him, "Why did you tell me to go to the right and you told the other two women to go to the left?"
********************************
Redneck Painter
Gotta love them Rednecks !!! *j
Redneck Billy Joe Bob, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon
people from all over the country were coming to him
for paintings. One day, a beautiful young woman pulled
up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Billy Joe
Bob if he would paint her in the nude. This was the
first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful
lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay
$50,000. Not wanting to get into trouble with his
cousin/wife Bobby Sue, Billy Joe Bob asked the lady to
wait while he went in the house and conferred with his cousin/wife Bobby Sue. In a few minutes he re-turned and told the lady he was willing to do it. However, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes.
(Yeah, I know... but it is very funny [to me] so I
used it anyway... ed.)
********************************
This was a story told to us by our chemistry master at school. A student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.
Out of the corner of his eye, the professor observed what the student was about to do and hurried over. After confirming this was what was intended, he asked the student to first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.
Puzzled, the student followed after him to ask the purpose of this action.
"It will give me time to run away," said the professor.
********************************
POWER OUTAGE DURING A MAMMOGRAM
I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I was met
with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier
smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side
and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this
room right hereee, strip to the waist, thennnn slip on
this gown. Everything clearrrr?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda--try decaf. This ain't rocket
science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of
horrors.
Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this
machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B
to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls
aren't made of sugar and spice and everything
nice.... it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and
twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and
still pop back into shape.
With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me
(literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you
stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can
get everything?"
Fine, I answered. I was freezing, bruised, and out of
air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my
legs and neck and finish me off?
My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity
(with my other boob wedged between those two 4" pieces
of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap!
Complete darkness and the power went off! "What?" I
yelled.
"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag."
Belinda headed for the door.
"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone,
are you?" I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy ..
the door's wide open so you'll have the emer gency
hall lights. I'll be righttttt backkkk."
Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared. And
that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men
extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me
dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part
smashed between glass! After exchanging polite "Hi,
how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly
Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the
power was off.
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much
calmness as possible. "Uh, yes, yes I did thanks."
"You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye
as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery
store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish
grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement,
she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on
and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went
to lunch. Are we upset?"
And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up
between the clamps........
Monday, May 16, 2005
hUMOR For May 16th
********************************
A Blonde Joke
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office
and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left
ankle and screams, then she pushes her elbow and
screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and
screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, “You're not really a redhead, are
you?”
“Well, no…” she says, “I'm actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor says. “Your finger is
broken.”
********************************
The service area was located on a main highway leading to the beach. The pump attendant was accustomed to seeing tired and sunburned occupants in the cars that pulled in to tank up. When a rusty old van containing a very tired looking couple and six screaming children pulled into his station, the attendant tried small talk to cheer the occupants.
"Hope you had a good day at the beach! Nice looking kids there. Are they all yours or is this a picnic?"
Wearily, the driver replied, "Yes they are all mine and it's NO picnic!"
********************************
At his first service, the new preachers sermon was extremely long and dull. As he preached, he drank from pitcher of water until it was completely gone.
After the service, someone asked an old woman of the church, "How did you like the new pastor?"
"Fine," she said, "but he's the first windmill I ever saw that was run by water."
********************************
An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone he said, "There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if anyone has gone to heaven, he has."
They walked on a bit further and then came to another grave. The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now there's a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to hell, he has."
The little boy thought for a while and then said, "You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky."
"Why?" asked the old man in surprise.
"Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money to draw on."
********************************
It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn. The teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to spell their name out loud. When she came to a young boy and asked his name, the boy replied, "Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee" he replied.
"How do you spell that? asked the teacher.
"My mother helps me" said the little boy.
A Blonde Joke
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office
and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left
ankle and screams, then she pushes her elbow and
screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and
screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, “You're not really a redhead, are
you?”
“Well, no…” she says, “I'm actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor says. “Your finger is
broken.”
********************************
The service area was located on a main highway leading to the beach. The pump attendant was accustomed to seeing tired and sunburned occupants in the cars that pulled in to tank up. When a rusty old van containing a very tired looking couple and six screaming children pulled into his station, the attendant tried small talk to cheer the occupants.
"Hope you had a good day at the beach! Nice looking kids there. Are they all yours or is this a picnic?"
Wearily, the driver replied, "Yes they are all mine and it's NO picnic!"
********************************
At his first service, the new preachers sermon was extremely long and dull. As he preached, he drank from pitcher of water until it was completely gone.
After the service, someone asked an old woman of the church, "How did you like the new pastor?"
"Fine," she said, "but he's the first windmill I ever saw that was run by water."
********************************
An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone he said, "There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if anyone has gone to heaven, he has."
They walked on a bit further and then came to another grave. The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now there's a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to hell, he has."
The little boy thought for a while and then said, "You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky."
"Why?" asked the old man in surprise.
"Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money to draw on."
********************************
It was the beginning of term at a primary school in Brooklyn. The teacher asked the children their names one at a time, and for each to spell their name out loud. When she came to a young boy and asked his name, the boy replied, "Ravashanka Vankatarataam Bannerjee" he replied.
"How do you spell that? asked the teacher.
"My mother helps me" said the little boy.
Sunday, May 15, 2005
hUMOR For May 15th
********************************
The minister's car wouldn't start and he called the garage to come and tow it in for repair. When the truck driver appeared at his house to get the car, the minister said, "I hope you'll go easy on me. You know, I'm only a poor preacher."
"I know," said the tow truck driver, "I've heard you preach!"
********************************
In the US, it takes more brainpower to fill out the
income tax forms than it does to earn the income in
the first place.
********************************
So if the world is truly getting "smaller", how come
the US Postal rates keep going up?
********************************
All politicians claim they know what it was like to be
poor. OK, fine, but why do they insist on the rest of
us learning too.
********************************
In the US, there are several ways to become rich:
inherit a lot of money, invent/develop, win the
lottery or sue somebody.
********************************
Hospitals still have private and semi-private
accommodations. If you have an HMO though,
semi-private means two to a bed.
********************************
Strange how people who don't even know their
neighbors, are extremely curious to know if there's extra-terrestrial life.
********************************
My husband-to-be helped his aunt take the furniture of her boyfriend's home to a charity after the gentleman had passed away. She asked him if we still needed anything for our new life, and he told her that we had everything but a bedroom set. She graciously gave him the master bedroom set from the home.
The problem was that the poor man had died on the mattress, and I wanted to replace it with a new mattress, with my next paycheck. I really didn't want to sleep on a bed that someone had died in.
My mother-in-law-to-be heard the story. She urged me not to be silly and to use the perfectly good mattress instead of spending the money on a new one.
My mother-in-law-to-be soon came for an overnight visit.
The next morning she came out of her bedroom, and immediately asked me how I had slept, and I told her I had had a great night's sleep. She promptly reminded me of how I had foolishly wanted to buy a new mattress, and that I didn't appear to have suffered much sleeping on a bed that someone had died in.
I quickly answered that I had indeed bought a new mattress, and it was she that had slept on the poor man's mattress.
Its really fun to watch people's faces turn that many shades of "pale"!
The minister's car wouldn't start and he called the garage to come and tow it in for repair. When the truck driver appeared at his house to get the car, the minister said, "I hope you'll go easy on me. You know, I'm only a poor preacher."
"I know," said the tow truck driver, "I've heard you preach!"
********************************
In the US, it takes more brainpower to fill out the
income tax forms than it does to earn the income in
the first place.
********************************
So if the world is truly getting "smaller", how come
the US Postal rates keep going up?
********************************
All politicians claim they know what it was like to be
poor. OK, fine, but why do they insist on the rest of
us learning too.
********************************
In the US, there are several ways to become rich:
inherit a lot of money, invent/develop, win the
lottery or sue somebody.
********************************
Hospitals still have private and semi-private
accommodations. If you have an HMO though,
semi-private means two to a bed.
********************************
Strange how people who don't even know their
neighbors, are extremely curious to know if there's extra-terrestrial life.
********************************
My husband-to-be helped his aunt take the furniture of her boyfriend's home to a charity after the gentleman had passed away. She asked him if we still needed anything for our new life, and he told her that we had everything but a bedroom set. She graciously gave him the master bedroom set from the home.
The problem was that the poor man had died on the mattress, and I wanted to replace it with a new mattress, with my next paycheck. I really didn't want to sleep on a bed that someone had died in.
My mother-in-law-to-be heard the story. She urged me not to be silly and to use the perfectly good mattress instead of spending the money on a new one.
My mother-in-law-to-be soon came for an overnight visit.
The next morning she came out of her bedroom, and immediately asked me how I had slept, and I told her I had had a great night's sleep. She promptly reminded me of how I had foolishly wanted to buy a new mattress, and that I didn't appear to have suffered much sleeping on a bed that someone had died in.
I quickly answered that I had indeed bought a new mattress, and it was she that had slept on the poor man's mattress.
Its really fun to watch people's faces turn that many shades of "pale"!
Saturday, May 14, 2005
hUMOR For May 14th
********************************
Doctor Mistake
During the course of being interviewed by the press, the noted doctor was
asked by a reporter: "Doctor, did you ever make a serious mistake?"
"Yes, was the reply, "I once cured a millionaire in three visits!"
********************************
Stuff You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support*
"Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
"...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
"Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."
"Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
"We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
"I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
"In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
"Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
********************************
This middle-aged man was going through his mid-life crisis
so he went out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. He decided to take his new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day.
He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph, and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.
The man finally came to his senses and said to himself,
"This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over. The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."
So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off
with a patrolman and when I saw you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back."
The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."
********************************
Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven."
St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard."
St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ...for five days!
********************************
The Old Days
Were you a kid in the Fifties or earlier? Everybody
makes fun of our childhood! Comedians joke. Grandkids
snicker. Twenty year olds shudder and say "Eeeew!" But
was our childhood really all that bad? Judge for
yourself:
In 1953, the US population was less than 150
million... yet you knew more people then, and knew
them better... and that was good.
The average annual salary was under $3,000... yet our
parents could put some of it away for a rainy day and
still live a decent life... and that was good.
A loaf of bread cost about 15 cents... but it was safe
for a five-year-old to skate to the store and buy
one... and that was good.
Prime-Time meant I Love Lucy, Ozzie and Harriet, Gun
Smoke and Lassie... So nobody ever heard of ratings
or filters... and that was good.
We didn't have air-conditioning... so the windows
stayed up and half a dozen mothers ran outside when
you fell off your bike... and that was good.
Your teacher was either Miss Matthews or Mrs. Logan or
Mr. Adkins... but not Ms Becky or Mr. Dan... and that
was good.
The only hazardous material you knew about was a patch
of grass burrs around the light pole at the corner...
and that was good.
You loved to climb into a fresh bed... because sheets
were dried on the clothesline... and that was good.
People generally lived in the same hometown with their relatives... so "child care" meant grandparents or aunts and uncles... and that was good.
Parents were respected and their rules were the
law.... Children did not talk back... and that was
good.
TV was in black-and-white... But all outdoors was in
glorious color... and that was certainly good.
Your Dad knew how to adjust everybody's carburetor...
and the Dad next door knew how to adjust all the TV
knobs... and that was very good.
Your grandma grew snap beans in the back yard... and
chickens behind the garage... and that was definitely
good.
And just when you were about to do something really
bad... chances were you'd run into your Dad's high
school coach... or the nosy old lady from up the
street... or your little sister's piano teacher... or
somebody from church.... all of whom knew your
parents' phone number... And YOUR first name... And
even THAT was good!
REMEMBER...
Send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy
Drew, The Hardy Boys, Laurel & Hardy, Abbott &
Costello, Sky King, Little Lulu comics, Brenda Starr,
Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger,
The Shadow Knows Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger
and Buttermilk as well as the sound of a real mower on
Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides,
playing cowboy, playing hide and seek and kick-the-can
and Simon Says, baseball games, amateur shows at the
local theater before the Saturday matinee, bowling
and visits to the pool...and eating Kool-Aid powder
with sugar, and wax lips and bubblegum cigars.
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, Yeah,
I remember that!
And was it really that long ago?
Doctor Mistake
During the course of being interviewed by the press, the noted doctor was
asked by a reporter: "Doctor, did you ever make a serious mistake?"
"Yes, was the reply, "I once cured a millionaire in three visits!"
********************************
Stuff You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support*
"Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
"...that's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
"Looks like you're gonna need some new dilythium crystals, Cap'n."
"Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
"We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
"I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
"In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
"Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
********************************
This middle-aged man was going through his mid-life crisis
so he went out and bought him a new bright red Porsche. He decided to take his new Porsche on a test drive down the interstate one day.
He got up to about 85 mph and all of a sudden he saw this highway patrolman with his blue lights and siren blaring coming toward him. He decided he and his new Porsche would outrun the officer. So the man sped up to 95 mph, and then to 105 mph, but the patrolman was still coming.
The man finally came to his senses and said to himself,
"This is crazy, I could go to jail for this," so he pulled over. The patrolman came to the car and told the man, "It has been a long day and I am tired. If you can give me an excuse no one else has ever given me I will let you go."
So the man told the officer, "Last night my wife ran off
with a patrolman and when I saw you chasing me I thought you were trying to bring her back."
The officer looked at the man and said, "Have a nice day."
********************************
Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates.
The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven."
St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard."
St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.
The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."
St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ...for five days!
********************************
The Old Days
Were you a kid in the Fifties or earlier? Everybody
makes fun of our childhood! Comedians joke. Grandkids
snicker. Twenty year olds shudder and say "Eeeew!" But
was our childhood really all that bad? Judge for
yourself:
In 1953, the US population was less than 150
million... yet you knew more people then, and knew
them better... and that was good.
The average annual salary was under $3,000... yet our
parents could put some of it away for a rainy day and
still live a decent life... and that was good.
A loaf of bread cost about 15 cents... but it was safe
for a five-year-old to skate to the store and buy
one... and that was good.
Prime-Time meant I Love Lucy, Ozzie and Harriet, Gun
Smoke and Lassie... So nobody ever heard of ratings
or filters... and that was good.
We didn't have air-conditioning... so the windows
stayed up and half a dozen mothers ran outside when
you fell off your bike... and that was good.
Your teacher was either Miss Matthews or Mrs. Logan or
Mr. Adkins... but not Ms Becky or Mr. Dan... and that
was good.
The only hazardous material you knew about was a patch
of grass burrs around the light pole at the corner...
and that was good.
You loved to climb into a fresh bed... because sheets
were dried on the clothesline... and that was good.
People generally lived in the same hometown with their relatives... so "child care" meant grandparents or aunts and uncles... and that was good.
Parents were respected and their rules were the
law.... Children did not talk back... and that was
good.
TV was in black-and-white... But all outdoors was in
glorious color... and that was certainly good.
Your Dad knew how to adjust everybody's carburetor...
and the Dad next door knew how to adjust all the TV
knobs... and that was very good.
Your grandma grew snap beans in the back yard... and
chickens behind the garage... and that was definitely
good.
And just when you were about to do something really
bad... chances were you'd run into your Dad's high
school coach... or the nosy old lady from up the
street... or your little sister's piano teacher... or
somebody from church.... all of whom knew your
parents' phone number... And YOUR first name... And
even THAT was good!
REMEMBER...
Send this on to someone who can still remember Nancy
Drew, The Hardy Boys, Laurel & Hardy, Abbott &
Costello, Sky King, Little Lulu comics, Brenda Starr,
Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger,
The Shadow Knows Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger
and Buttermilk as well as the sound of a real mower on
Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides,
playing cowboy, playing hide and seek and kick-the-can
and Simon Says, baseball games, amateur shows at the
local theater before the Saturday matinee, bowling
and visits to the pool...and eating Kool-Aid powder
with sugar, and wax lips and bubblegum cigars.
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, Yeah,
I remember that!
And was it really that long ago?
Friday, May 13, 2005
hUMOR For May 13th
********************************
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day." Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day." Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck. At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars. Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!" "Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour." Which brings us to the moral of the story: Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire. Sadly, I received it also......
********************************
Price Reduction
Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six
dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, " the price
will be only $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you
really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"
********************************
While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face.
As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are you hurt?"
"No, I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern.
"Oh, good," she continued. "So will you be vacating your parking space now?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Two mice met behind a toaster in a Columbia, Maryland household.
"It's been a long time." the first said. "How's everything?"
"Great!" the second replied. "I have three brothers in pharmaceutical testing and a sister in heart research."
********************************
My daughter's third-grade teacher had assigned the children
to write a story titled "My Biggest Surprise."
Not until the end of the school year did we see Marina's
work. It read: "I got up this morning and I ran into Mommy
and Daddy's bed and hopped in. But it wasn't Mommy at all.
It was Mrs. Del Campo!"
What her essay neglected to say was that we had called Mrs.
Del Campo late at night to stay with our children while I
took my wife to the hospital to have our third child.
********************************
Jill received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation.
"Is this some kind of mistake?" Jill asked when she got the doctor on the phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.
"Well," said Jill, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around."
********************************
A Southern Baptist minister decided that a visual
demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm wa! s put into a jar of cigarette
smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported
the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you
learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand
and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat
chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Don't you just love little old ladies????
********************************
We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time
to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a
culture that values home,family, country and God. If
I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten
my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to
back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit --
that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of
those.
You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to
be offended by the phrase, "One nation,under God"
You might be a redneck if: You've never protested
about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public
places.
You might be a redneck if: You still say "Christmas"
instead of "Winter Festival."
You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when
someone prays.
You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your
hand over your heart when they play the National
Anthem.
You might be a redneck if: You treat Viet Nam & Desert
Storm vets with great respect, and always have.
You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an
American flag.
You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe
and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is
listening.
You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and
expect your kids to do the same.
You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar
to a friend.
If you got this email from me, it is because I believe
that you, like me, have just enough Red Neck in you to
have the same beliefs as those talked about in this
email.
God Bless the USA!
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test. The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day." Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day." Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family. During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck. At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him. By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard. Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars. Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!" "Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour." Which brings us to the moral of the story: Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire. Sadly, I received it also......
********************************
Price Reduction
Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six
dollars per person. "However, if you're over 65," he said, " the price
will be only $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you
really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"
********************************
While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face.
As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are you hurt?"
"No, I'm fine," I said, touched by her concern.
"Oh, good," she continued. "So will you be vacating your parking space now?"
********************************
Here is today's CleanPun.
Two mice met behind a toaster in a Columbia, Maryland household.
"It's been a long time." the first said. "How's everything?"
"Great!" the second replied. "I have three brothers in pharmaceutical testing and a sister in heart research."
********************************
My daughter's third-grade teacher had assigned the children
to write a story titled "My Biggest Surprise."
Not until the end of the school year did we see Marina's
work. It read: "I got up this morning and I ran into Mommy
and Daddy's bed and hopped in. But it wasn't Mommy at all.
It was Mrs. Del Campo!"
What her essay neglected to say was that we had called Mrs.
Del Campo late at night to stay with our children while I
took my wife to the hospital to have our third child.
********************************
Jill received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation.
"Is this some kind of mistake?" Jill asked when she got the doctor on the phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.
"Well," said Jill, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around."
********************************
A Southern Baptist minister decided that a visual
demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm wa! s put into a jar of cigarette
smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported
the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation - What can you
learn from this demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand
and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat
chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Don't you just love little old ladies????
********************************
We have enjoyed the redneck jokes for years. It's time
to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a
culture that values home,family, country and God. If
I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten
my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to
back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit --
that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of
those.
You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to
be offended by the phrase, "One nation,under God"
You might be a redneck if: You've never protested
about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public
places.
You might be a redneck if: You still say "Christmas"
instead of "Winter Festival."
You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when
someone prays.
You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your
hand over your heart when they play the National
Anthem.
You might be a redneck if: You treat Viet Nam & Desert
Storm vets with great respect, and always have.
You might be a redneck if: You've never burned an
American flag.
You might be a redneck if: You know what you believe
and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is
listening.
You might be a redneck if: You respect your elders and
expect your kids to do the same.
You might be a redneck if: You'd give your last dollar
to a friend.
If you got this email from me, it is because I believe
that you, like me, have just enough Red Neck in you to
have the same beliefs as those talked about in this
email.
God Bless the USA!
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