********************************
Thanks to Linda Fromer for today's CleanPun.
Q: How can you use a lighthouse, rose trellis, windstorm, dune, and Halloween costume to create something tasty?
A: Make a beacon, lattice, and tornado sand witch.
********************************
A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please...please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."
The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'."
The little girl says, "Please...please Grandpa make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"
The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"
********************************
The chef at a family-run restaurant had broken her leg and came into our insurance office to file a disability claim. As I scanned the claim form, I did a double take. Under "Reason unable to work," she wrote: "Can't stand to cook."
********************************
True Calls to the IRS
Caller: I want to know if I should file married or single.
IRS: Are you married?
Caller: Well, sort of ....
IRS: What?
Caller: Well, we did get married, but we're not counting on it.
Caller: I got a letter from you guys and I want to know what you want.
IRS: What does it say?
Caller: Just a minute, I'll open it.
Caller: I'm a bookkeeper and I need to know if ten $100 bills make a thousand dollars or only ten hundred dollars.
IRS: Both. It's the same amount.
Caller: So why do I get a different answer every time I move the decimal point?
Caller: What does the law say about people who are renting to relatives and taking a loss on the property?
IRS: You are required to charge them fair market value.
Caller: It's very fair. If we rented to someone else we could get a lot more.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
"When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it." - Bernard Bailey
********************************
Thanks to DC: For A Change
A woman's husband asked her what she wanted for her birthday. She thought for a moment and said, "This year I just want cold, hard cash for a change."
The following day her husband filled her request. He put $20 in nickels, dimes and quarters into a quart jar, then filled it with water and placed it in the freezer. On her birthday he handed his wife a solidly frozen bottle of change.
******************************************************
Thanks to DC:
A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway.
While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't"
The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't"
Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker. Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."
The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"
******************************************************
Thanks to marti -- Senior Moment
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!
******************************************************
Thanks to DA: The Sailor and the Marine
An old Sailor and an old Marine were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career.
"I did 30 years in the Corps," the Marine declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars.
Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.
"As a sergeant, I fought in Korea. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.
"Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"
"Ah," said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand, "all shore duty, huh?"
******************************************************
Thanks to marti -- Eating A Worm
Little Timmy sat playing in the garden. When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm.
She turned pale.
"No, Timmy! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!" Trying to convince him further, "Now the mother worm is looking all over for her baby-worm."
"No, she isn't," said Timmy.
"Why not?" said the mother.
"Because I ate her first!"
******************************************************
Here is another powerful quote from marti -- who, by the way, has offered many such inspiring thoughts through the past two years of my life, far and away the most difficult I have ever faced, ts --
It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth -- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had. - Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
********************************
A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."
The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died."
The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."
Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too."
Astounded, the neighbor asked, "what went wrong? What did you do to them?"
Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far apart enough."