Don't Ignore the Kids
The 12-year-old boy stood patiently beside the clock counter while
the store clerk waited on all of the adult customers first. Finally
he got around to the youngster, who made his purchase and hurried out
to the curb, where his father was impatiently waiting in his car.
"What took you so long, son?" he asked.
"The man waited on everybody in the store before me," the boy
replied. "But I got even."
"How?"
"I wound and set all the alarm clocks while I was waiting," the
youngster explained happily. "It's going to be fun at eight o'clock."
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"Age Advice"
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.
"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."
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Oneliner
"Originality is merely undetected plagiarism."
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CleanPun - "Ford Air Conditioning"
It was a sweltering August day when the Greenberg brothers entered the posh Dearborn, Michigan, offices of the notoriously anti-Semitic carmaker, Henry Ford.
"Mr. Ford," announced Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, we have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry."
Ford looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the competition kept his interest peaked.
Hi Greenberg continued, "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person."
After a little cajoling, they brought Mr. Ford outside and asked him to enter a black car that was parked in front of the building.
Norman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the car.
"Please step inside, Mr. Ford."
"What!" shouted the tycoon, "are you crazy? It must be one hundred degrees in that car!"
"It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down, Mr. Ford, and push the white button."
Intrigued, Ford pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool!
"This is amazing!" exclaimed Ford. "How much do you want for the patent?"
Norman spoke up. "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused, "And there is something else. We want the name 'Greenberg Brothers Air Conditioning' to be stamped right next to the Ford logo."
"Money is no problem," retorted Ford, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!"
They haggled back and forth for a while and finally they settled. One and one-half million dollars, and the name Greenberg would be left off.
However, the first names of the Greenberg brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every Ford air conditioning system. And that is why today, whenever you enter a Ford vehicle, you will see those three names clearly defined on the air-conditioning control panel:
HI NORM MAX
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My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the
first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in
a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.
He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more
space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down,
only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio
level.
He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following
morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.
Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are
you going to put your patio away every night?"
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Ban Smoking or Homosexuality?
Did you know that male homosexuals have a 35 year
shorter life expectancy than the main population? In
the news of late is the debate over banning cigarette
smoking in enclosed public places. Fair enough;
smoking causes a lot of health problems, and shortens
life spans. Well, the logic that says it is right for
society to impose restrictions on smokers must then
equally conclude society is right to impose
restrictions on homosexual conduct, correct? Don't
hold your breath. I don't know how much smoking
reduces life expectancy, but I am pretty sure it is a
lot less than 35 years. Am I missing something?
There is a huge concern over another influenza
pandemic, like that of a hundred years ago in this
country. People are beginning to worry about a
so-called bird flu mutating to where it infects
humans. We are so concerned about steroid use by
athletes and drug use and abuse by the general
population. Then there are other health issues that we
seem to think the government should step in and
regulate for society's overall health. We even think
pressure should be applied to restaurants so as to
curb fat in french fries, oil in theater popcorn, and
sugar in soda pop, etc. Okay. Why not restrict
homosexuality for the same reason?
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Laws Concerning Food and Drink
Household Principles
Lamentations of the Father
by Ian Frazier
*Laws of Forbidden Places*
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the
sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight
you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers,
you may eat, but not in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and
of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright
color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in
the living room.
Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen
after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in
the living room. Of the juices and other beverages,
yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but
not in the living room, neither may you carry such
therein.
Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room
carpet begins, of any food or beverage therein you may
not eat, neither may you drink.
But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching
something, then may you eat in the living room.
*Laws When at Table*
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a
chair such as a greater person might use, keep your
legs and feet below you as they were.
Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon
the table, for that is an abomination to me.
Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to
show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and
worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it
any utensils, nor fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that
is not what they are for; if you will dip your blocks
in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent away
from my presence.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain
upon the table, and do not bite it upon its edge and
by your teeth hold it to your face in order to make
noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be
sent away from my presence.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until
you have swallowed, and do not open it to show your
brother or your sister what is within; verily I say to
you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister
has done the same before you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food;
neither seize the table between your jaws, nor use the
raiment of the table to wipe your lips. I say again to
you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a
marker, draw not with it upon the table, even in
pretend, because we do not do that, that is why.
And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small
trees, do not stand them upright to make a forest,
because we do not do that, that is why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one
side or the other, nor slide down until you are nearly
slid away.
Heed me; for if you sit like that, your hair will go
into the syrup.
And now behold.....even as I have said, it has come to
pass.
*Laws Pertaining to Dessert*
For as we judge between the plate that is unclean and
the plate that is clean, saying first, if the plate is
clean, then you shall have dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these:
If ye have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of
your peas with each bite consisting of not less than
three peas each, or in total six peas, eaten where I
can see, and you have also eaten enough of your
potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where
I can see, then ye shall have dessert.
But if ye eat a lesser number of peas, and yet ye eat
the potatoes, still ye shall not have dessert; and if
ye eat the peas, yet leave the potatoes uneaten, ye
shall not have dessert, no, verily I say unto you, not
even a small portion thereof!
And if thou tries to deceive by moving the potatoes or
peas around with a fork, that it may appear that thou
hast eaten what thou hast not, ye will fall into
iniquity.
And I will know, and ye shall have no dessert.
*On Screaming*
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the
time.
If ye are given a plate on which two foods ye do not
wish to touch each other are touching each other, and
your voice rises up even unto the ceiling, while ye
point to the offense with the finger of your right
hand; but I say unto you, scream not, only remonstrate
gently with the server, that the server may correct
his transgression and peace shall prevail throughout
the land.
Likewise if ye receive a portion of fish from which
every piece of herbal seasoning has not been scraped
off, and the herbal seasoning is loathsome to you and
steeped in vileness, again I say, verily, refrain from
screaming.
Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a
faint unto death, make not that sound from within your
throat, neither cover your face, nor press your
fingers to your nose.
For even as I have made the fish, and it is as it
should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.
*Concerning Face and Hands*
Cast your countenance upward unto the light, and lift
your eyes to the hills, that I may more easily wash
you off.
For the stains are upon you; even to the very back of
your head, and there is rice thereon.
And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the
tie of your shoe, rice and other fragments are
distributed in a manner beyond comprehension!
Only hold thyself still; hold still, I say.
Give unto each finger in its turn for my examination
thereof, and also each thumb.
Lo, how iniquitous they appear.
What I do is as it must be; and you shall not go
henceforth until I have done.
*Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances*
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time.
Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath
water of any beast of the field, or any fowl of the
air nor of any kind; nor rub your feet on bread, even
if it be in the package; nor rub your feet against
cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.
Leave the cat alone, for what hath the cat done, that
you should go forth and afflict it so and bindeth it
with tape?
And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor
stand between the light and the book.
Verily I say unto you, you will drive me to madness.
Neither forget what I said about the tape.
[Ian Frazier, "Laws Concerning Food and Drink:
Household Principles, Lamentations of the Father," The
Atlantic Monthly, February 1997, Volume 279, No. 2,
pages 89-90.]