As you know, it is very important for
Santa and his reindeer to be very quiet when they
deliver presents on Christmas Eve so no one will know
they are there. One Christmas Eve as Santa Claus
landed on a rooftop, he suddenly heard a very loud
"Snort sniff honk honk snort!" coming from one of his
reindeer.
Since he was in the sleigh behind them, he didn't know
which one it was. It happened again, only louder this
time: "Snort sniff honk honk snort!"
Dogs in the neighborhood began to bark. "Shhh!" Santa
hissed. "Please be quiet!"
He went to work lifting the sack of toys out of the
sleigh when he heard it again, only a lot louder this
time. "SNORT SNIFF HONK HONK SNORT!" Lights came on
all over the neighborhood and some people even stuck
their heads out of their windows.
Santa was horrified. Jumping back into the sleigh, he
drove quickly back to the North Pole. He lined up all
the reindeer and announced, "We are not going to
deliver another present until the reindeer who is
making funny noises with his nose steps forward and
apologizes!"
None of the reindeer stepped forward.
Santa held up a piece of paper. "I know who it is, and
I have written your name on this paper. But I want to
give you a chance to do the right thing on your own."
Still none of the reindeer came forward. So Santa did
the only thing he could do. Read off the rude-nosed
reindeer...
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to Marti -- HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE
OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up
to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light
on in the garden shed, which she could see from the
bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn
off the light, but saw that there were people in the
shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your
house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all
patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his
door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and
phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a
few seconds ago because there were people in my shed.
Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause
I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed
Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the
Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you
said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody
available!"
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to LBS: Christmas Mail
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her
Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas
stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and
22 Baptist.
+++++++++++++++++++
Thanks to LBS: Big "BAD" Walmart
Those folks who badmouth Walmart stores,
I do not find it fittin'
If workers there found it so bad
They'd say it's so by quittin'.
At Walmart prices are quite low
So poorer folks can buy there
They can't afford most other stores
So that is why they try there
The greedy unions are to blame
They're looking for more DUES
That's why they're making all that fuss
We're hearing on the news.
Some senior folks are working there
They're only there part-time
As friendly greeters at the door
And I think that's just fine
They make themselves some extra cash
And mingle with the "folks"
It helps them live more actively
And they can tell more jokes.
Employees find advancement there
The ones more qualified
And anyone can raise himself
If he works hard and tried.
Bernie
+++++++++++++++++++
Nutritious Eating
According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, eating right
doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple
way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plate with
bright colors: Greens, Reds, Yellows.
In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It
was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.
+++++++++++++++++++
Christmas Sign
A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the banner company.
The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.
The sign came back a few days later: . . "Unto Mary Jesus was born, six feet long and two feet wide."
+++++++++++++++++++
Which Holiday Relative Are You?
Please circle the letter that best describes your response.
1. When dinner is served, what do you say?
A. Is the turkey done? How are the mashed potatoes? Could I
make some more gravy?
B. I get first pick! I paid for that turkey.
C. Who needs their wine topped off?
D. I want to open presents first.
E. Please pass the salad, and no, I'm not dating anybody.
F. Why is everybody here? It's not my birthday, is it?
G. Are you going to finish that? I'll be glad to finish
that for you.
2. When opening gifts, what do you say?
A. I'm going to save this pretty wrapping paper.
B. I paid $57.95 for that and he's playing with the box!
Play with the toy!!
C. I don't need another 12-step book.
D. This stinks! I wanted a pokeasurusmon game.
E. Oh, great. Another tablecloth. I can use this while
eating take-out every night.
F. This is a wonderful hat. I can keep my government
secrets in here.
G. Woo Hoo! I love my new toy! I'm so excited.
3. What do you think when shopping for gifts?
A. I'm making good money now -- this year it's fabulous
gifts for everyone.
B. Do I look like I'm made of money?
C. Vermouth for everyone, and jars of olives for stocking
stuffers.
D. You mean I have to "buy" presents?
E. This sweater is a lovely shade of cobalt, but it needs
to be more of a cerulean.
F. A banana for Peggy Sue. A hula-hoop for Betty, and some
bobby socks for Jude.
G. I wish I were in the mall with them and not locked in
this car by myself.
4. What is your holiday attire like?
A. A green dress, red blouse, and Christmas tree earrings.
B. The same thing I wear every holiday.
C. I always notice my shirt is on backwards halfway through
dinner.
D. I have to wear a clip-on bow tie and itchy wool pants.
E. Something black that shows a little leg.
F. My pajamas and a fez.
G. Fur.
5. How do you decorate the house during the holidays?
A. You can never have too many wreaths, I always say.
B. It's time to string up the lights again?! Geez!
C. Airline-size liquor bottles strung together are a
beautiful holiday decoration.
D. I string popcorn together so I can eat it after
Christmas.
E. Why decorate when I am never home?
F. Why would I want to decorate the "horse"?
G. I like to leave lots of homemade surprises behind the
couch.
6. If you were a reindeer, what would your name be?
A. Cleaner.
B. Whiner.
C. Rudolph the RED NOSED reindeer.
D. Broken.
E. Vixen.
F. Burden.
G. Sniffer.
7. What is your favorite outdoor winter activity?
A. I love sleigh rides with the whole family.
B. Leave me alone. I'm watching football.
C. Frozen snow makes a great margarita mix.
D. I'm gonna peg people with snow balls.
E. Anatomically correct snowmen and lots of them.
F. I run through the sprinklers without any clothes on.
G. Making yellow snow is lots of fun.
-----
If you circled "A" three or more times, you are "Uber
Mother." Mom, sit down! The meal is perfect, the house is
perfect, and the gifts are perfect. So knock back a few
shots of eggnog and chill!
If you circled "B" three or more times, you are "The
Irritable Father." You put the "Bah" in "Bah humbug" and the
"Grrr" in Grinch. Lighten up.
If you circled "C" three or more times, you are "The Tipsy
Aunt." It's time to start drinking your eggnog straight,
honey.
If you circled "D" three or more times, you are "The Whiny
Grandchild." You're so spoiled. Stop complaining about
getting underwear instead of toys. When I was your age, we
had to make our own underwear out of leaves.
If you circled "E" three or more times, you are "The
Career-Minded Daughter." For you, life is one big party.
Just remember... tick tock tick tock.
If you circled "F" three or more times, you are "Grand
Pappy." We've been talking and feel it's time you move into
a nice place where people can take care of you. No, put that
down -- you don't need that to talk to the mother ship.
If you circled "G" three or more times, you are "The Family
Dog." You're such a good boy... yes you are... yes you
are...
If you circled "none" three or more times, you probably need
to see a therapist.