Escaped
Three convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town but are confronted by a policeman.
"Hey, aren't you those three escaped convicts?", asked the policeman.
Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around him and said "no, I'm Mark, Mark Spencer."
"The second followed his lead and said "My names is William, W H Smith."
The third said "My name is Ken... Ken Tuckyfriedchicken!"
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Alligator Teeth
A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much
to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
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How many zeros in a billion?
This is too true to be funny.
The next time you hear a politician use the
word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
but one advertising agency did a good job of
putting that figure into some perspective in
one of it's releases.
A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were
living in the Stone Age.
D.
A billion dollars ago was only
8 hours and 20 minutes,
at the rate our government
is spending it.
While this thought is still fresh in our brain...
let's take a look at
It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.
Louisiana Senator,
Mary Landrieu
asked Congress
250 BILLION DOLLARS (by the way, that's OUR money, not Congress's.)
to rebuild
Interesting number anyway ...
what does it mean?
A.
Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of
(every man, woman, and child)
you each get $516,528.
B.
Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in
C.
Or... if you are a family of four...
your family gets $2,066,012.
Washington, D. C
< HELLO! >
Are all your calculators broken??
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"Rain or Shine"
It was raining quite hard as U.S. Marine trainees assembled outdoors for a briefing. On a blackboard, the lieutenant instructor had prepared a detailed drawing of the tactics he wanted practiced.
"Don't think we're going to call this off just because of a little rain," he said.
Then he turned to the blackboard which had been washed clean.
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CleanQuote
"Patience is the ability to idle your motor when you really feel like stripping the gears."
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Weird News
Winning lotto tickets found weeks later
The Price George's County, Md., man, whose name was not released, said he found his Mega Millions ticket in his jacket pocket, where it had resided for nearly a month and a half, WBAL-TV in Baltimore reported Tuesday.
"I was lucky to wear the jacket that day. I probably wouldn't wear it for the rest of the season," the winner said.
Meanwhile, Candy Tyree of Sacramento, Calif., said she was about to throw away an old recliner when her husband told her he had stuffed a week-old Mega Millions ticket in the chair, KCRA-TV in Sacramento reported Tuesday.
She said she retrieved the ticket from the recliner, which had already been taken outside, and looked up the winning numbers from the drawing.
Tyree said the ticket turned out to be worth $249,050.
Her husband Jim said the incident has caused his wife to reconsider tossing the old recliner.
"It could be the lucky chair now," he said.
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Trump visits mom's birthplace in Scotland
STORNOWAY, Scotland (UPI) --
Trump's private jet dwarfed everything else on the runway at
Mary Macleod was born on Lewis in 1912, the daughter of a crofter. In 1936, she married Fred Trump, who later became one of
The cottage where the Macleods lived in the hamlet of Tong 4 miles from Stornoway is still occupied by two cousins, Willie and Alastair Murray.
"It was a bit of a scrum, right enough, but he was terrific and he enjoyed the trip to Tong," Willie Murray said of the visit.
Trump denied that his side trip to Lewis was a publicity stunt in aid of his plans for the east coast of
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Man 'lucky' after nail pierces skull
George Chandler said he was building a lattice with a friend when the nail gun hose became tangled and fired off a nail, KCTV,
"It was just like a maybe like a sting, bite or something, you know,"
He said there was no blood around the wound and he was alert when an ambulance arrived and took him to a hospital. He said a doctor requested a very special instrument for his treatment.
"'Does anybody have a hammer, a claw hammer.' I thought he was teasing at first, but then he says, 'No. It went in like that. We can pull it out like that,'"
Doctors told
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Trial aborted after jurors play Sudoku
SYDNEY (UPI) -- An Australian drug trial was aborted after three months when it was discovered that jurors were playing Sudoku in the jury box.
Judge Peter Zahra of District Court in
Defense lawyers Adam Morison and Michael Coroneos filed to have the jury discharged after the two men accused in the trial said they saw the jury forewoman playing the game during one of the defendants' testimony. The forewoman admitted to spending about half of her time in the jury box playing the game.
Morison said it was "extraordinary that 105 witnesses, including 20 police, had been in the witness box and not seen what was happening."
Zahra verbally reprimanded the Sudoku players, but provincial laws do not allow for the prosecution of inattentive jurors.
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Library Complaint
Judi stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"
"What was wrong with it?"
"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!"
The librarian nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book."