THIS IS THE LAST POST FROM MY hUMOR blogg.
I HOPE IT HAS BROUGHT A FEW LAUGHS YOUR WAY. - Have a good un,
"I don't know if you heard the news, but Wall Street now is a farmer's market. I don't want to say things are going downhill quickly, but Obama's new campaign slogan is 'Are you better off than you were four days ago?'" --Bill Maher "Tomorrow, America's most famous hockey mom, Sarah Palin, will drop the ceremonial first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers game. Right afterwards, she'll get out on the ice and skate around reporters' questions, so it should be interesting." --Jay Leno "Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton: this weekend, 33rd wedding anniversary. How about that? And you thought the Iraqi war was a never-ending conflict." --David Letterman "A town in Upstate New York is being accused of being biased 'cause they sent out absentee ballots that say 'Barack Osama.' Today they apologized and printed new ballots that say 'Barack Hussein Osama.'" --Conan O'Brien "Naturally the smart thing to do to solve your economic woes is to demonize the Democrats. And of course, Sarah Palin is more than happy to oblige. She's been saying that Obama hangs out with terrorists. And you know, I think the evangelical lady who's in a video getting blessed by a witch doctor, who's married to a secessionist, and can't name a newspaper -- she's right, Obama is scary." --Bill Maher "Before lawmakers in Alaska released their report on this troopergate scandal, Sarah Palin's campaign released the results of their own campaign clearing her of any wrongdoing. Thank God we cleared that up. Actually, I think it's legitimate, because apparently Palin can see the courthouse from her front porch, so obviously she's a lawyer." --Jay Leno "You folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There's a show right here on CBS, it's a huge hit. It's called the "Mentalist." And it's about this guy who has a heightened sense of observation. It's miraculous; he's the only guy in the world who can tell the difference between Sarah Palin and Tina Fey." --David Letterman "Today the Washington Post did an article; they compared the 2008 presidential election to the 1932 presidential election. They did a comparison, mainly because 1932 was the first time John McCain ran for president." --Conan O'Brien
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Swallowing Quarters
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters? Nurse: No change yet.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Catch a Thief
The old adage that "It takes a thief to catch a thief" may indeed be true. But these days there's a 3rd thief involved pleading the case -- the lawyer.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Math Prof
"That math prof's marriage is falling apart!" "No wonder! He's into scientific computing - and she's incalculable!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Flee The City
A mother was reading a Bible story to her young daughter. She read "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to a pillar of salt".
Her daughter asked "What happened to the flea?"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
"Computer One Liners - Part 2"
Computer One Liners - Part 2
ISDN: I Still Don't kNow
ISDN: Idiot Services you Don't Need
It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
Klingon prompt: strike any user when ready.
Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out.
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.
Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.
My computer NEVER cras@#%^TU*NO CARRIER
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
Nerd: someone on the Dork Side of the Farce.
Network: anything reticulated or decussated at equal intervals, with interstices between the intersections.
Never trust a computer you can't lift. - Stan Masor
Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window. - S. Hunt
Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources.
One person's error is another person's data.
One picture is worth 128K.
Our system is very reliable. Nothing ever goes wr[}-_+=~'{?>.(#$%{!`'?;f;fkj;uiutoiun;gt;to;g;g;t
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Oneliner
"I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
CleanPun - "Weddings"
"When you walk down the aisle don't look grim."Said the preacher. "We'll then sing a hymn.When I stand by the alterThe groom must not falter.""Ahh yes," said the bride, "Aisle, alter, hymn."- Gill Krebs
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally,
one of them jumped up and yelled at the other ,"What about
the powerful interest that controls you?"
And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of
this!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
My friend read her son's horoscope and thought it quite
appropriate. "You've spent the last few weeks looking for
escape," it said. "But now it's time to get on with your
life."
She had just given birth to him that morning.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Writing: For the Sell of It was the theme of our community
college's annual writers' conference. When I called a widely
published author and asked him to be our keynote speaker,
my request was met with a long silence. He finally said, "I
don't know what I would say to that audience."
"You're just being modest," I replied. "I'm sure you're ex-
tremely qualified to speak on that subject."
He suddenly broke into laughter. "I thought you said,
'Writing for the Celibate!'"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
The Extra OneThe place where I work decided to provide company-paid cell phones to the "suits" upstairs. After negotiating a deal with a cell phone company, we arranged for the phones to be sent directly to the homes of the various VIP's.The day after delivery, I received a call from a partner screaming about how his cell phone didn't work. He said he charged it overnight just like the sheet said, but in the morning, it wouldn't power up.I asked EXACTLY what he did with the phone when he got it."I took it out, plugged the charger into the wall and into the phone.""Did you put the battery in the phone?""Not the extra one.""Sir, the phone only came with one battery."(Pause) "Oh, I think I figured out what's wrong with it."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
”Clerk Silence”
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks,
"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
The man repeats himself:
"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.
The guy asks several more times:
"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"
And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
Finally, the guy storms off in anger.
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk,
"Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"
The clerk answers. . .
"D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Car Problems
Jill's car was unreliable, and she called John for a ride
every time it broke down. One day John got yet another one
of those calls.
"What happened this time?" he asked.
"My brakes went out," Jill said. "Can you come to get me?"
"Where are you?" John asked.
"I'm in the drugstore," Jill responded.
"And where's the car?" John asked.
"It's right here, with me."
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Monks
There was this guy who fell from an airplane and landed in a strange place. He was badly hurt and a couple of monks came and rescued him. And the Monks told the man to be careful because they were not going to save him again. The guy said okay then spent the night at the Monk's place. Later that night he heard an annoying loud banging and scratching sound that almost sounding like moaning. It was really loud. The next day he went back to the Monk's place and asked if they knew what the sound was. The Monk's Leader told the guy that he would have to be a monk to find out. The guy asked what it would take to be a monk. So the Monks told him that he would have to be there for eight years and pass a test. So this guy stayed for eight years and finally passed the text. The guy asked again what that noise was he heard for so many years ago. The Monks agreed to tell him and told him to follow them. The guy was really happy because he lost a lot of sleep over that sound. He could sleep for years thinking about that noise that sounding almost like a heart beating. The Monks walked up to some big, huge doors and the noise kept getting louder and louder. So, loud that the Monks and the Guy couldn't hear each other. Do you want to know what was behind the doors? I can't tell you! You're not a Monk!
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Now Boarding
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41." So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.'
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Ge Me Out of Here
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place! Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV
Signs you spend too much time with your e-mail
Your children are named Outlook, Thunderbird and dotcom. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment. You find yourself typing "com" after every period, when using a word processor. COM You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it.