!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Sermon Feedback"
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons. "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."
The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."
"Because it endured forever."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Today's CleanLaugh - "Sermon Feedback"
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons. "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."
The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."
"Because it endured forever."
Today's Oneliner
"What makes airport security think they can find something in my wife's purse when she can't?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CleanPun - "Photos"
I got a package envelope in the mail the other day that had written on the front, "Photographs: Do Not Bend."
Underneath the mailman wrote, "Oh, yes they do."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The preacher was having a heart-to-heart talk with a
backslider of his flock, whose drinking of moonshine
invariably led to quarreling with his neighbors and
occasional shotgun blasts at some of them.
"Can't you see, Ben," intoned the parson, "that not one good
thing comes out of this drinking?"
"Well, I sort of disagree there," replied the backslider.
"It makes me miss the folks I shoot at."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was very pregnant, and it was rotten luck when, several days before my due date, my husband fell from the porch roof, sprained both ankles and was restricted to crutches. So when I went into labor and he couldn't drive, I took the wheel, stopping every time I had a contraction.
Finally, we got to the hospital. I dropped him at the maternity entrance, and he hobbled off to the admitting desk, where the nurse told him to go to the emergency room.
No, it's my wife," he told her. "She's in Labor."
"Where is she?" the nurse asked.
"She's parking the car and bringing in the bags."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's Time
Even though he could not tell time, my three-year-old grandson was
wearing a watch when I visited. Later, when I was putting on my coat
to leave, I asked him what time it was. He looked at his watch
blankly, then brightened. "It's time for you to go," he answered triumphantly.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GCFL: A musical director was having a lot of
trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and
talked with the drummer, but his performance simply
didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a
musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't
improve when given help, they take away the
instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a
drummer."
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section:
"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one
of his sticks and make him a conductor."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
******************************************************
Thanks to TC: To get the full effect, this should be
read aloud. You will understand what 'tenjewberrymuds'
means by the end of the conversation. This has been
nominated for the best email of 2005.
The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel
guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was
recorded and published in the Far East Economic
Review:
*****
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. ; Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor
sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled
please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
*****
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know
what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow
Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying
'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
*****
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad!?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy..tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish
moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to Giljo: Resigning as Adult
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an
adult. I have decided I would like to accept the
responsibilities of an eight-year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a
four-star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and
make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you
can eat them.
I want to run a lemonade stand with my friends on a
hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple, when
all you knew were colors, multiplication tables and
nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you because you
didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy, because you were
blissfully unaware of all the things that should make
you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is
honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible. I want to
be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly
excited by the little things again.
I want to live simply again. I don't want my day to
consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork,
depressing news, how to survive when there are more
days in the month than there is money in the bank,
doctor bills, gossip, illness and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind
word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination,
mankind and making angels in the snow.
So here are my checkbook and my car keys, my credit
card bills and my 401(k) statements. I am officially
resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have
to catch me first because, "Tag! You're it!"