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Breakthrough?
Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel. The only way
to move things was by carrying or dragging. One day, some primitive guys
were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food preparation
area. It was exhausting work. The guys were getting tired just WATCHING.
Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had an
idea. They could sit on the boulders and watch! This was the first in a
series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television.
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Definitions
Aquadextrious: The art of turning the bathtub tap on with your toes.
Pain: A cat licking your sunburn.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Willpower: The ability to eat only one salted peanut.
Profanity: The linguistic crutch of inarticulate idiots.
Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money.
Bachelor: One who treats all women as sequels.
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other. (this one hurts a
bit)
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Taxpayer: Someone who doesn't have to take a public service exam to work for the government.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Stress: The confusion created when ones mind overrides the body's basic desire to choke the living daylights out of some idiot who desperately needs it.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they're dead.
Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
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Message from the Rural Midwest:
Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross states such as Illinois, Ohio, Indiana, Wisconsin, Michigan, Nebraska, Kansas, Iowa, Missouri, Minnesota, North Dakota, and South Dakota, those states' Tourism Councils have adopted a set of information guidelines.
In an effort to help outsiders understand the Midwest, the following list will be handed to each driver entering the state:
1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It's called a 'gravel road.' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it... not just to keep up with the neighbors.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your butt whipped .. by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Roves Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for -- bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you pay for one drink at the airport.
9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu.
Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef' Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice!
11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive pickups, trucks and tractors because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp, too -- and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 70, 80, & 90 go East & West; Interstates 29, 35 & 55 go North & South.
Pick one and use it accordingly.
16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of pheasant season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer who just pulled you over for driving like an idiot .. his name is "Sir"...
no matter how old he is.
Now please, enjoy your visit. Just don't overdo your stay, we have wheat to plant.
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Schwartz and Feldman, partners in the garment industry, had just suffered through their worst season ever. Eight thousand madras sports coats were hanging on the rack unsold, and bankruptcy was looming closer each day.
Out of the blue, in walked a buyer from Australia. "I say there," he began, "you boys wouldn't happen to have any madras sports coats, would you? I've been looking for them everywhere."
Schwartz said there MIGHT be a few left, and soon a deal was made whereby the eight thousand jackets would be shipped to Australia at a handsome profit.
"There is one thing though," said the Australian buyer. "For an order this large, I'll have to get a confirmation from my home office. I don't anticipate any problem, and unless I send you a telegram by this Friday, the deal goes through as planned."
Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday passed slowly, with the partners nervously waiting to see if the Australian would change his mind. Friday morning went by without incident. Schwartz and Feldman were closing up shop when, at five minutes to five, there was a knock on the door: "Telegram!"
The partners froze. Trembling, Feldman grabbed the telegram and opened it.Suddenly, his face lit up. "Schwartz, GREAT NEWS! Your brother died!"
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A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner...
One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."
"Oh, is that so?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you."
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A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items.
Near the cash register he saw a display of baseball caps with "WWJD" printed on them. Puzzled by what the letters meant, he asked the clerk.
The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus Do," and that the question was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.
The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these baseball caps!"
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A Yuppie Counting CattleA west Texas cowboy was herding his cattle in a remote pasture whensuddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at hispeacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his PalmPilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheetwith hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives aresponse. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.""That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Thenthe cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly whatyour business is, will you give me back my calf?"The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?""You're a consultant for the National Democratic Party." says thecowboy."Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?""No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer Ialready knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business........Now give me back my dog."********************************