"Egg Contents"
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"
"I know!" a little boy exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chicken Surprise
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and
orders the "Chicken Surprise." The waiter brings the
meal, served in a lidded cast-iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of
the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady
little eyes looking around before the lid slams back
down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He
reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees
two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Sputtering in a fit of pique, he calls the waiter
over, describes what is happening, and demands an
explanation!
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."
"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you
Peeking Duck."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks to marti -- PARENT - Job Description
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!
POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging
permanent work in an, often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and
organizational skills and be willing to work variable
hours, which will include evenings and weekends and
frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel
required, including trips to primitive camping sites
on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in
far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at
least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be
willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess
the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go
from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case,
this time, the screams from the backyard are not
someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face
stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget
repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck
zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars
and coordinate production of multiple homework
projects. Must have ability to plan and organize
social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental
outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one
minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle
assembly and product safety testing of a half million
cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the
worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also
include floor maintenance and janitorial work
throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None. Your job is to remain in the same position for
years, without complaining, constantly retraining and
updating your skills, so that those in your charge can
ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually
exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and
bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18
because of the assumption that college will help them
become financally independent. When you die, you give
them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this
reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it
and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no
tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock
options are offered; this job supplies limitless
opportunities for personal growth and free hugs and
kisses for life if you play your cards right.
Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in
appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,
letting them know they are appreciated for the
fabulous job they do... or forward wit love to anyone
thinking of applying for the job.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A pipe burst in a doctor's house, and he called a plumber.
The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious
plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a
bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! Even I don't make
that much as a doctor!"
The plumber waited for him to finish and quietly said,
"Neither did I when I was a doctor."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)
Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!
Have a lovely day