”News Switch”
A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader "Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better."
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Noise Abatement"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement.""Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?""Sir," the radar operator replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
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My doctor said I look like a million bucks. Green and wrinkled.
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The Dalmatian
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
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Signs That You Are Cheap
1. You attend a weekly coupon club. 2. You've been driving on the spare tire for over three months. 3. Fast food is your idea of fine dining. 4. You spend more time counting change during a single week than you spend at church. 5. You're outraged when the price of a can of soda goes up a nickel. 6. You haven't purchased a name brand product in the past ten years. 7. You take the pennies from the container next to the cash register. 8. Your family gets presents a week after Christmas because you love that fifty-percent discount. 9. Matinee. Every time. 10. You code all your own software rather than buy it.
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$1,000 Bet
A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass." The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?" The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."
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Ok so my mom had just got engaged to some guy who had a son. His son lived
with his mom in another state and my mom said the son was in town and would
come to visit us tomorrow.
I had just gotten a new boyfriend. My mom was on her date and my boyfriend
and I were in my room making out. We had been making out for a really long
time when we saw car lights. We stopped, got up, went down stairs and
pretended to be watching TV.
My mom and her "soon to be husband" walked in. The first thing that he said
was, "Daniel, I thought you weren't coming until tomorrow."
It turns out I had been making out with my step brother. We promised never
to talk about it ever again.
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One day a group of people we were sitting and talking. A not so bright woman
was among the group and she even participated in the discussion. When she
came up with an unusually stupid comment, one of the friends couldn't take
it anymore. He said to her, "You must have vacuum in your head."
This upset her greatly. She looked at him for a couple of seconds and then
replied, "At least it's better than nothing."
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Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a
bagpipe.
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THE ISLAMIC COWGIRL A cowgirl, who is visiting Minnesota from Iran, walks into a bar and orders three pitchers of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more pitchers. The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Tehran, the other is in Bagdad. When I left our home in Iran, I promised to drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one pitcher of beer for each of my sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three pitchers and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes in and only orders two pitchers. All the regular customers take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine, "she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Islamic Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my sisters though".