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Need a Raise!The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college president, "you already make more than the entire History department.""Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported."Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the president, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."
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During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. Iroutinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myselfwith their capabilities. One day I was aboard anintelligence aircraft where each crew member was surroundedby complex gear.A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chatscreen, sir," the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemyinformation to the crew. It's like instant messaging."Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman'sscreen several feet away was this warning: "Heads up! Thecolonel's on the way!"
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Our six year old son was all excited about his Halloween costume. "I'm going to be the Pope," he said.
"Jake, you can't be the Pope," I said. "You're not Catholic.You're Lutheran."
Jake hadn't thought about that. So he considered his alternatives. After a few minutes, he asked,
"Is Dracula a Lutheran?"
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Pie Manners
In a country home that seldom had guests, the young son was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, the boy went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to a guest. The boy came in with a second piece of pie and again watched his father give it to a guest.
This was too much for the boy, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"Whoever said there is no such thing as a stupid question has never worked in customer service."
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Everything
Q. What do you give a man who has everything?
A. Antibiotics.
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Thanks to L.B.S. for this favorite:THE PAINS OF CHILDBIRTHHere are the answers to some questions that you mayhave had about pregnancy:Q. Should I have a baby after 35?A. No, 35 children is enough.Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my babymove?A. With any luck, right after he finishes college.Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sicknessor the flu?A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.Q. What is the most reliable method to determine ababy's sex?A. Childbirth.Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody thatsometimes she's borderline irrational.A. So what's your question?Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'llfeel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might becalled an air current.Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the deliveryroom while my wife is in labor?A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything toyou.Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recoveringfrom childbirth?A. Yes, pregnancy.Q. Does pregnancy cause headaches?A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame itfor.Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wifebegin to feel and act normal again?A. When the kids are in college.
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Thanks to LBS: I guarantee you will remember the taleof the Wooden Bowl tomorrow, a week from now, a monthfrom now, a year from now.A frail old man went to live with his son,daughter-in-law, and four-year old grandson. The oldman's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, andhis step faltered. The family ate together at thetable. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands andfailing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled offhis spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass,milkspilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in-lawbecame irritated with the mess. "We must do somethingabout Grandfather," said the son. I've hadenough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food onthe floor.So the husband and wife set a small table in thecorner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest ofthe family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfatherhad broken a dish or two, his food was served in awooden bowl.When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction,sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.Still, the only words the couple had for him weresharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilledfood.The four-year-old watched it all in silence. Oneevening before supper, the father noticed his sonplaying with wood scraps on the floor. He askedthe child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just assweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a littlebowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I growup." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.The words so struck the parents so that they werespeechless. Then tears started to stream down theircheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knewwhat must be done.That evening, the husband took Grandfather's hand andgently led him back to the family table. For theremainder of his days he ate every meal with thefamily. And for some reason, neither husband nor wifeseemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped,milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.