After an exhausting weekend, I woke up Monday morning and sleepily packed
lunch for my eight-year-old child. When I got home from work late that day,
she handed me a note from her teacher, requesting that I see her.
"What's this all about?" I asked sternly. Opening her lunch box, my daughter
showed me the drink I had given her that morning. It was a can of beer.
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A woman was complaining to a neighbor, "My husband left two weeks ago to get
a loaf of bread and he hasn't come home yet. I just don't know what to do."
The neighbor replied, "Send one of your kids to the store to get another
loaf of bread."
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Strange how people who don't even know their neighbors, are extremely
curious to know if there's extra-terrestrial life.
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Cherokee LanguageA Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?""That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."
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"College Advice"
Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.
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A mother's four-year-old daughter was attending her first
performance of the Ice Capades. She was so mesmerized that
she wouldn't budge from her seat even during intermission,
watching the activity while the ice was cleaned.
At the end of the show, she exclaimed, "I know what I want
to be when I grow up!"
The mother envisioned her on the ice in another 15 years,
starring in the Ice Capades.
She was brought back to earth when the daughter continued,
"I want to be a Zamboni driver!"
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"Priest Twin"
Our priest suddenly became ill and asked his twin brother, also a priest, to fill in for him and conduct a funeral Mass scheduled for that day. His brother, of course, agreed.
It was not until the brother was accompanying the casket down the aisle, however, that he realized that he had neglected to ask the sex of the deceased. This was information that he would need for his remarks during the service.
As he approached the first pew where the deceased's relatives were seated he nodded toward the casket and whispered to one woman, "Brother or sister?"
"Cousin," she replied.
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CleanQuote
"Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not."
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"Pet Projects" Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
This project is so important that we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.
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The AccidentMy six-year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room."But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."
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Samaritan ZipperMaking close friends at the bus stop...
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!”The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind'a figured we was friends.”