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Golfer at the Dentist...
A golfer and his wife rushed into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one big hurry! I have
two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So
forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with
it. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness! this sure is
a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything
to kill the pain."
So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and
show the doctor which tooth hurts."
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During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myself with their capabilities. One day I was aboard an intelligence aircraft where each crew member was surrounded by complex gear.
A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chat screen, Sir," the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemy information to the crew. It's like instant messaging."
Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's screen several feet away was this warning: "Heads up! The colonel's on the way!"
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During the second Gulf War, I was an Air Force colonel. I routinely flew on different aircraft to familiarize myself with their capabilities. One day I was aboard an intelligence aircraft where each crew member was surrounded by complex gear.
A young major showed me his computer screen. "That's a chat screen, Sir," the soldier said. "We use it to relay enemy information to the crew. It's like instant messaging."
Nodding, I moved down the line. Flashing on an airman's screen several feet away was this warning: "Heads up! The colonel's on the way!"
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There were three country churches in a small Texas town: Presbyterian, Methodist and Catholic. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
The Methodist group got together and decided that they were
not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution: They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.
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If Only Life Were More Like a Computer
Think of it. . .
If you messed up a relationship, you could just press "CTRL, ALT, DELETE" and start all over!
To get your daily exercise, you'd simply click on "RUN"!
To get a little break from life, you'd click on "SUSPEND"; then, when you were ready, you'd press "any key" to get back on the merry-go-round.
To scare away moles, you'd turn up the sound blaster.
To add/remove someone in your life, you'd click "SETTINGS" and CONTROL PANEL.
To improve your appearance, you could just adjust the DISPLAY settings.
If life got too noisy, you'd turn off the speakers.
If you lost your car keys, you'd click on "FIND."
"HELP" with the chores would be just a single click away.
You'd never need car insurance you'd use your handy diskette to recover from a crash.
And all you'd need to do to get a pizza would be to click on "SEND NOW"!
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From the Classroom
My home-schooled, teenage granddaughter was also my classroom aid. She
called me "Mrs. Abbott" while in the classroom. One day she slipped and
called me "Grandmother." The whole class was amazed that a grandmother was
their teacher. Many stated I didn't look like a grandmother. Finally one
little girl looked at me and turned to the class and said, "Well she is
growing extra skin!"
(Aren't children wonderful!)
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Relatives
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and
pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of
yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
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ITALIAN PASTA DIET
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.
The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than Americans.
The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of
sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. "Speaking
English" is apparently what kills you.
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TEACHER APPLICANT
After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teachingprospect said, "Let me see if I've got this right You want me to go intothat room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with alove for learning.
And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modifytheir disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censortheir T-shirt messages and dress habits. You want me to wage a war on drugsand sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of massdestruction, and raise their self esteem.
You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fairplay, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to applyfor a job. I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment,recognize signs of anti-social behavior, offer advice, write letters ofrecommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respectfor the cultural diversity of others, and oh, make sure that I give thegirls in my class fifty percent of my attention.
My contract requires me to work on my own time after school, evenings andweekends grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation, at my ownexpense, working toward advance certification and a Masters degree. And onmy own time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTAmeetings, and participate in staff development training.
I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presencewill awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. Youwant me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor websites, and relate personally with each student. That includes deciding whomight be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school.
I am to make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even thosewho don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equaleducation regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap.
And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone,newsletter and report card. All of this I am to do with just a piece ofchalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on astarting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!
You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me...... NOT TO PRAY