Automobile Acronyms
AUDIAccelerates Under Demonic InfluenceAlways Unsafe Designs Implemented BMWBeautiful Mechanical WonderBig Money WorksBought My WifeBrutal Money Waster BUICKBig Ugly Indestructible Car Killer CHEVROLETCan Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended TripsCheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time DODGEDarn Old Dirty Gas EaterDrips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere FIATFailure in Italian Automotive TechnologyFix It All the TimeFix It Again, Tony! FORDFirst On Recall DayFirst On Rust and DeteriorationFix Or Repair DailyFound On Road, DeadFault Of Research & DevelopmentFast Only Rolling DownhillFeatures O.J. & Ron`s DNAbackwards -> Driver Returns On Foot
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Watch Out For That Tree
A state trooper pulls over a car on a lonely back road and approaches the driver. "Sir, is there a reason you're weaving all over the road?" The driver replies, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident. I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!" Reaching through the side window to the rearview mirror, the officer says, "Sir, that's your air freshener."
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Camels
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby
camel asks, "Mom, why have I got these huge three-toed
feet?"
The mother replies, "Well, son, when we trek across the
desert, your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft
sand."
"OK," said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom,
why have I got these great long eyelashes?"
"They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the
trips through the desert."
"Thanks, Mom," replies the son. After a short while, the son
returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps
on my back?"
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy, replies,
"They are there to help us store fat for our long treks
across the desert, so we can go without water for long
periods."
"That's great, Mom. So we have huge feet to stop us sinking,
and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes, and these
humps to store water, but Mom..."
"Yes, son?"
"Why are we in the San Diego zoo?"
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"I had surgery this year. Nothing serious, thank God. But
just before I went under I heard the one thing you don't
want to hear, 'Where's my lucky scalpel?'" --Jonathan Ketz
***
"I taught sex education in the South Bronx, and as a sixth
grade teacher I was told to answer all their sex questions.
One kid asked, 'Is there any part of the woman's body known
as the Volvo?' Which I thought was a good question. I said,
'Only on Swedish women.'" --Dennis Wolfberg
***
"Here's some good news. Drug use among teenagers is down.
Teenagers are saying "No" to drugs. Now if we can just
get the teenagers to say "No" to their teachers we'd be
in great shape." --Jay Leno
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[Following are some very funny spelling bloopers caught in
local newspapers, publications and various emails. See if
you can catch the goofs.]
1. "...an autopsy to determine if the elderly man lost
courteousness for medical reasons." (Trenton, N.J.)
2. "[An NBA coach] will take charge of a young team still in
the throws of a roster overhaul." (Vernon, Conn.)
3. "'It's pretty exciting,' according to his material grand-
mother." (Potsdam, N.Y.)
4. "The MCCC fight team won 21 out of 32 awards and brought
home nine metals." Including the gold? (Trenton, N.J.)
5. "McNabb...exasperated the injury attempting to chase down
Dallas Cowboys safety Roy Williams." (Trenton, N.J.)
6. "Boxer Pups AKC, 1M, 1F, Bread for Health and
Temperament." (e-mail)
7. "[Paris Hilton] was probably going through cocaine
withdrawls." Is she from the South? (Sunnyvale, Calif.)
8. "Our lunch menu [includes] a variety of hot entrees and
tempting deserts." Presumably also hot. (Upper Saint Clair,
Pa.)
9. "Vincent was a brawny Swiss ex-patriot." (San Jose,
Calif.)
10. "...those who acquaint shopping with charity."
(Simsbury, Conn.)
----
Corrections: 1. consciousness 2. throes 3. maternal 4. medals
5. exacerbated 6. bred 7. withdrawals 8. desserts 9. expatriate
10. equate
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The person who sent this one in to me wisely decided to
omit his or her name.]
When my daughter was 13, we took a trip to London. As we
travel around our country, we see many signs which say
"For Rent". The British have signs which say "To Let".
At one particular spot in London where we could see many
"To Let" signs, my daughter looked around and said,
"Where's the i?"
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PhilosofactsThoughts of the year...
A long life may not be good enough, but a good life is long enough.An elephant never forgets. After all, what does it have to remember?Animals are such agreeable friends. They ask no questions, they make no criticisms.As long as your conscience is your friend, never mind your enemies.Cleanliness may be next to godliness, but in childhood it's next to impossible.Don't jump at conclusions - they may jump back at you.Give some weeds an inch and they'll take a yard.If it's such a small world, why does it cost so much to run it?If you can't be thankful for what you receive, be thankful for what you escape.Many a checkered career winds up in a striped suit.Money can't buy character. Character is what we are when we are alone with ourselves in the dark.Most of the people who sit around and wait for the harvest haven't planted anything.No person is a failure who has friends.One surefire way to keep living to be one hundred is to keep breathing.Patience is often bitter, but its fruit is sweet.People who live in glass houses should answer the doorbell.The trouble these days is that there's no arrest for the wicked.Unless we all work for the common good, there won't be any.With proper care, the human body will last a lifetime.
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Sales Training
The proprietor of a successful optical shop was instructing his son on how to charge a customer.
"After you have fitted the customer's glasses," he said, "and he asks you what the charge will be, you say, '$100.' Then see if he winces.
"If the customer doesn't wince you say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be another $50.'
"If he still doesn't wince you say firmly, 'Each.'"