Good GrammarTeacher: Vernie, give me a sentence starting with "I".Vernie: I is ...Teacher: No, Vernie. Always say, "I am."Vernie: All right ... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
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"Lost Money"
The receptionist found some cash in the office, apparently mislaid by a co-worker. She sent the following email: "If anybody can say where they lost $70, please let me know and it will be returned to you."
Within minutes one employee replied, "Kentucky Derby, 2001."
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Oneliner
"With sufficient thrust pigs fly just fine."
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CleanPun - "Happy as a Clam"
Then there is researcher Peter Fong, who has given new meaning to the expression "happy as a clam." The Gettysburg College biologist stumbled onto the fact that molluscs reproduce at 10 times their normal rate if Prozac is dumped in the water.
Fong was pursuing research on the basic nervous system of fingernail clams when he discovered that if he dumped the antidepressant into the water, the clams would start reproducing madly.
"It's a piece of wonderful science and it sounds utterly ridiculous at the same time," Abrahams said.
Traffic was backed up almost to a standstill this morning as I drove to work. I turned on the radio to listen to my favourite rock station but they were playing Rockabilly which I absolutely detest.
So I decided to ram the dial for something better and happened to tune in a local talk show host who was ranting about government waste of funds on useless research projects.
He was objecting to congress funding a project to a team in Gettysburg, PA , that was feeding clams and other molluscs large doses of Prozac to determine its effect on these sea dwellers. He cited this as an example of government waste.
I immediately phoned him on my cellular phone and found myself on the air.
The host was very unhappy when I told him that this research was very important as it was essential to determine if Prozac was effective as a mussel relaxant.
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”Women and Cats”
I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep.
In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
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An arrogant Department of Agriculture (DOA) representative
stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer. "I need to
inspect your farm."
The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field."
The Agricultural representative said in a wise tone, "I have
the authority of the U.S. Government with me. See this card?
I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."
So the old farmer went about his farm chores.
Later, the farmer heard loud screams. He saw the DOA rep
running for the fence, and close behind was the farmer's
prize bull.
The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and was
gaining at every step.
The old farmer called out: "Show him your card!"
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Two caterpillars
Two caterpillars are sitting on a leaf when a butterfly zooms by, startling them. One turns to the other and says, "Boy, you'll never get ME up in one of those things."
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Stricter with the screening process
A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary. The first man in line says, "I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year." The angel says, "Okay, you may enter." He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life. She states, "I earned $150,000 as an attorney." The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too. He turns to the third one in line and asks, "What have you done with your life?" The man replies, "I earned $8,000 last year . . ." "Oh," the angel interrupts. "What did you teach?
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Women in Combat
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
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For The Kids...
Doctor, Doctor I've lost my memory!When did this happen?When did what happen? Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a rubber bandWhy don't you stretch yourself out on the couch there and tell me all about it! Doctor, Doctor everyone thinks I'm a liarI can't believe that!
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The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu.
If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment
immediately:
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to poop on someone's windshield.
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While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical
students.
"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and
tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
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Error message: Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on
users for the program's shortcomings.