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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is
like shoveling the driveway before it has stopped snowing.
"There is only one pretty child in the world and every
mother has it." -- Chinese Proverb
Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.
Children will soon forget your presents; they will always remember your presence.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn't have said.
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
We child-proofed our home 3 years ago and they're still
getting in!
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your
children.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of
the people some of the time, but you can never fool a Mom.
I love to give homemade gifts...which one of my kids do you want?
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after
you've purchased new school clothes.
Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and be quiet.
The best inheritance parents can give their children is a
few minutes of their time each day.
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For the kid in all of us... some silly ones...
How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long?
Polaroids
What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't Work?
A Stick.
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.
What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A
Vampire?
Frostbite.
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
What is the difference between roast beef and pea
soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
What Goes Clop, Clop, Clop, Bang, Bang, Clop, Clop,
Clop?
An Amish Drive-By Shooting
How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The
Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.
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Thanks to a friend: The Judge
A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in
the sticks when he was amazed to find a former
lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.
He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this
wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks,
would it?"
"That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I
arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."
"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.
"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a
costume?" demanded Mike.
"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in
this somewhere."
"That there is," replied Mike. ... "'Tis wise never to
book a judge by his cover."
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Proper Identification 2
(DJ, who sent this to me, works for a large national cellular telephone
company in a call center running credit checks for the agents in the
stores. He got a call one day from an agent trying to run such a credit
check. He noted here that one of their requirements for a credit
application is a valid state issued picture ID.)
Agent: "My customer doesn't have a driver's license, but he does have his
state fishing license."
Rep: "Does it have his picture on it?"
Agent: "No, but it has a picture of a fish on it."
Rep: "Is his last name 'Trout?'"
Agent: "No, it's Smith."
(At this point, DJ reported that it was going to be a long day.)