"Salt and Mensa"
Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher.
A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand?
Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."
"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
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Oneliner
"A key ring is a gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once."
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"Apprentice Program"
Charlie entered a butcher's apprentice program. After about 6 months of cleaning equipment and grinding meat for hamburger and sausage he felt he was ready to move on to steaks, chops, roasts etc.
He told the boss that he was anxious to "Get off the ground floor."
- Ken Pinkham
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”Eating Recommendations”
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. Africans drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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In the SupermarketThe new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
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"I was stopped once for going fifty-three in a thirty-five
mile zone, but I told them I had dyslexia." --Spanky
***
"I was a stewardess for a while on a helicopter. For about
five or six people, tops, I'd ask, 'Would you like something
to drink? You would? Then we're going to have to land.'"
-Rita Rudner
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During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I
woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach.
I called room service and ordered some soda crackers. When
I looked at the charge slip, I was furious. I called room
service and raged, "Hey, I know I'm in a luxury hotel, but
$11.50 for six crackers borders on the ridiculous!"
"The crackers are complimentary," the voice at the other
end coolly explained. "I believe, sir, you are complaining
about your room number."
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Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to
my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said
that men are not all like this all the time.
"Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!"
"Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to
parallel park?"
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Making Babies
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more that a little surprised, asked fearfully, "That's interesting. How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
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The Races
Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and nearly losing his shirt when he noticed this priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse - a very long shot - won the race. Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up, and placed this blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! Mitch was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitchell be every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. Mitchell was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!" The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants... you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last Rites."
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The Blind Golfers
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes! Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
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Housekeeping Husband
My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath." I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."
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Bring Me Men
When my brother was a cadet at the U.S. Air Force Academy,
there was an overhead walkway with a sign reading "Bring Me
Men."
As my parents were touring the grounds during Parents'
Weekend, they could tell that some of the cadets were
homesick. The sign had been changed to "Bring Me Mom."
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As the test pilot climbed out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off
the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrived.
A rescuer saw the bloodied pilot and asked, "What happened?"
The pilot replied, "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
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On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable
speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rearview mirror made me realize
that I'd been over the limit. I handed the officer my license and made small
talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.
"I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me
the paperwork.
The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said gruffly, "this
is not your registration."
Apparently I had handed him a warning ticket that I had received for
speeding in South Carolina.