I was checking out at a busy supermarket and the cashier was
having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner
malfunctioned, and then the cashier spilled a handful of
coins.
When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22. Trying to
soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."
Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean
pole yourself!"
________________
I just went shark-diving in the Bahamas. If you've never been to the Bahamas, imagine Fantasy Island but without the midget." -Craig Ferguson
"They say it now costs $250,000 to raise a child to age 18, and that doesn't count college, which is like $50,000 a year. So kids, if you want to give dad a great Father's Day gift, run away." -Jimmy Kimmel
"A new report found that 20 percent of people over 45 had to dip into their retirement savings last year. And the other 80 percent said, 'retirement savings?'" -Jimmy Fallon
A Mexican restaurant I pulled up to looked great. Only one problem: It wasn't open. So I jotted down the name for another day. Just then, a man came out of the restaurant and took a peek at what I'd written.
"That's not the name of the restaurant," he said, pointing to the sign over the door. "That's Spanish for 'Closed on Mondays.'"
________________
At the Doctor's Office
The doctor's office was crowded as usual, but the doctor was moving
at his usual snail's pace. After waiting two hours, an old man slowly
stood up and started walking toward the dooe.
"Where are you going?" the receptionist called out.
"Well," he said, "I figured I'd go home and die a natural death."
________________
________________