Saturday, July 30, 2005

hUMOR For July 30th

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Foot Pill
A man limped into a hospital to have his foot X-rayed, and was asked to wait for the results. Some time later an orderly appeared and handed the man a large pill.
Just then a mother with a small child in need of immediate attention entered. After the orderly disappeared with the new patient, the man hobbled over to get a glass of water, swallow the pill, and sat down to wait. Some time later the orderly reappeared carrying a bucket of water.
"Okay," he said, "Let's drop the pill in this bucket and soak your foot for a while."
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Here is today's Oneliner.
"I wouldn't touch the Metric System with a 3.048m pole!"
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Here is today's CleanPun. - Car Front
If the front of your car says "DODGE," do you really need a horn?
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A man on a camel rode through miles of the sun-drenched
desert searching for some sign of life. His supplies were running low when his camel died. Now on foot, he desperately sought refuge from the heat, and, most importantly, a source for water. Suddenly, he came across a vendor in the middle of the desert.

"Thank God I found you!" the man cried. "Please help me. I'm
in dire need of some water."

"Well," said the vendor, "I don't have any water. But would
you like to buy one of these fine ties."

"What am I going to do with a tie?" the man asked.

"That's what I'm selling sir. If you don't like it, I can't help you."

The man left the vendor and walked on for many more miles, praying each minute that he would find refuge from the scorching sun. His eyes squinted a bunch of times when he came across a restaurant in the distance. Unable to comprehend a restaurant located in the middle of the desert, he assumed the place was a mirage, but decided to check it out anyway. As he approached the door, his mouth opened in amazement, seeing that the place actually existed.

The doorman stopped him before he entered. "Excuse me sir,"
the doorman said, "but you can't come in here without a
tie!"
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Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, Bob was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance.
"If you got married," teased his friend Brad, "the premium would be lower."
Bob responded, "But wouldn't that be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts?"
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TOP TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN
CHURCH...

10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

9. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon
went 25 minutes over time.

8. Personally I find teaching others about Christ much
more enjoyable than golf.

7. I've decided to contribute the $500 a month I used
to send to TV evangelists.

6. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the
Junior High Sunday School class.

5. Forget the minimum salary, let's pay our preacher
so he can live like we do.

4. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard
before!

3. Since we're all here, let's start the service
early.

2. Preacher, we'd like to send you to this Bible
seminar in the Bahamas.

1. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment
like a good old-fashioned sermon on giving!
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Water and Coke

WATER

1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.
(Likely applies to half world population.)

2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so
weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.

3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's
metabolism as much as 3%.

4. One glass of water will shut down midnight hunger
pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a
University of Washington study.

5. Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of
water a day could significantly ease back and joint
pain for up to 80% of sufferers.

7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy
short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and
difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a
printed page.

8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the
risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the
risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50%less
likely to develop bladder cancer.

Are you drinking the amount of water you should every
day?

*****

COKE

1. In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol
carries two gallons of Coke in the truck to remove
blood from the highway after a car accident.

2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it
will be gone in two days.

3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the
toilet bowl and let the "real thing" sit for one hour,
then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes
stains from vitreous china.

4. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub
the bumper with a rumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap
aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

5. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour
a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away
the corrosion.

6. To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in

Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

7. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into
the baking pan, wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and
bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished,
remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with
the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

8. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke
into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run
through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help
loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze
from your windshield.

FOR YOUR INFORMATION:

1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid.
Its pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about four
days. Phosphoric acid also leaches calcium from bones
and is a major contributor to the rising increase in osteoporosis.

2. To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate) the
commercial truck must use the Hazardous Material place
cards reserved for highly corrosive materials.

3. The distributors of coke have been using it to
clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!