CleanQuote
"I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids."
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Illustration - "In His Hands"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
"In His Hands"
We know not what tomorrow brings
... Although we plan ahead
For only God alone can know
... the pathway we must tread.
We cannot know the future
... not one minute nor one hour
Each circumstance that we must face
... lay only in His power.
It's vital that we live by faith
... from minute unto minute
And trusting that each step we take
... He's walking with us in it.
We cannot see the future
... nor the trials we must face
But in all things, God promised us
... sufficiency of grace.
This alone should give us hope
... whatever be our plans
In knowing that our future lies
... in His sweet, loving hands.
-Betty Purser Patten
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Get Your Money's Worth
A feisty 70 year-old woman had to call the electric company for a repairman.
After a quick inspection, Al, the man from the power company found the problem and handed her a $70 bill for labor.
"Labor charges! One hour?" she exclaimed. "It only took you five minutes!"
Al explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call.
"Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake.
Al spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.
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"Bosses Night"
At an annual Bosses Night dinner for
The master of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of the
"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown
A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"
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CleanQuote
"A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn no other way."
- Mark Twain
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Illustration - "Trust"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.
The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at
Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"
The Custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children, don't we?"
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Weird News
Crocodile may have been swimming star
ISLE OF PALMS, S.C. (UPI) -- A crocodile captured in Isle of Palms may actually have swum to the
Steve Bennett, an amphibian and reptile conservation specialist in the South Carolina Department of Natural Resources, said the 6-foot reptile, thought to be an American crocodile, could easily have traveled miles up the Atlantic Coast from the Everglades in southern Florida to Isle of Palms, The (Charleston, S.C.) Post and Courier reported.
"It's not as ludicrous as you think. These are crocodile. They are not American alligators. These are saltwater animals," Bennett said. "Swimming a mile or two off the coast is nothing for a crocodile."
The crocodile was captured Thursday near a pier after managing to avoid trappers for weeks. Sgt. James Ryan of the Isle of Palms Police said residents were advised to stay clear of the potentially dangerous reptile.
"It's the same as when one turns up on the golf course -- 'Guess what? You better let him play through, because he belongs there and you don't,'" Ryan said.
The crocodile is protected under endangered species laws and would likely either be taken to an alligator park or a
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New outhouse too fancy for farmer
The 79-year-old retired tobacco farmer said the concrete and treated lumber outhouse built by People Working Cooperatively is a far cry from the simple wooden structure he once had sitting above a hole in the ground, The Cincinnati Enquirer reported.
"It's too nice and complicated to be an outhouse,"
The senior citizen said his old outhouse not only survived decades of usage, but even remained in service after being uprooted by a tornado in 1997.
A visit by board of health officials resulted in the outhouse being condemned. That's when People Working Cooperatively offered to build a new structure for
He says he misses his dilapidated outhouse but he's relieved he can still relieve himself outside.
"When you're in a house, sounds carry,"
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Crosswalks newest undercover police beat
CHICAGO (UPI) -- The upcoming use of undercover police officers at
While the undercover efforts pale in comparison to those in the 1973 police corruption movie, Chicago Police Department Traffic Department Cmdr. Robert Evans said the newest police focus is meant to ensure the safety of pedestrians, the Chicago Tribune reported.
The police official said officers will pose as civilians and issue warning citations to those drivers who do not give pedestrians the right of way at crosswalks.
Evans said the undercover assignments may not be full of adventure but that does not mean there is no risk involved.
"We are not going to put officers in jeopardy to make a point," Evans explained. "But any day you put on a police uniform, or put on plainclothes, you are taking risks."
"Chicagoans routinely wander across the middle of streets, engrossed in cell phone calls or sipping their coffee, and leave it to drivers to keep them safe," he told the Tribune.
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Pants"
Doug had always been teased by his friends that his wife was more successful than he was. Some even went so far as to insinuate that he was henpecked.
Doug had a sense of humor and always laughed it off. One day, one of his fiends asked the tiresome question again, "Who wears the pants in your family?"
"I do," Doug answered. Then, after a pause, he added, "I also wash and iron them."
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Oneliner
"As I said before, I never repeat myself."
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CleanPun - "Pencils"
"A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead."
- Stan Laurel
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”Under the Bed Fear”
John went to a psychiatrist: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?" John asked warily.
"Each visit is $150," replied the doctor.
"Well, I'll sleep on it."
Six months later the doctor bumped into John on the street: "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?"
"Well, one hundred and fifty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A friend at work cured me for nothing. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new pickup!"
"Is that so?! And how, may I ask, did your friend cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
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Wanted Man
A man walks into the sheriff's office... "I want to become a deputy!"
"Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster.
The poster reads : 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.'
"What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man.
"Rustling."