Good Singer"
In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop, an elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good singer."
The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had ."
"Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."
By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.
Awed, the woman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer."
Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one leg."
The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer ? . . . . . or a dancer?"
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Oneliner
"Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift."
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CleanPun - "Lost Jewelry"
What do you call jewelry lost on the golf course?
A diamond in the rough.
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Top 10 Signs You Are An Internet Geek
10. When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.
9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"
8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
7. You're amazed to find out Spam is a food.
6. You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.
5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.
4. You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications."
3. At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server."
2. After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, "I feel so Colon-Right-Parentheses!"
... and the No. 1 sign you are an Internet Geek:
1. Two words: "Pizza's here."
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Great Guarantee!
A man had just arrived home after the successful implantation of a pacemaker.
Reading through the literature, he was delighted to learn that the
instrument carried a lifetime guarantee.
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Wisdom from Grandpa .......
W hether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.
Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts whenthey try to decide which one.!
If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.
A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to thewashin', ironin',! cookin' and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna "work"."
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
Have a GREAT day.......and keep Laughing!
It's good for the soul.