!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Speeding Excuses
Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the officers' favorites. By the way, none of them worked.
A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there," he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was not only dead, but in a advanced state of decomposition.
A man was doing 70 mph on the shoulder of I-95, avoiding the bumper-to-bumper traffic. After a third of a mile, he was stopped by an officer. He jumped out of the car, brushing off his pants, and told the cop he had dropped a cigarette on his lap. "I was looking for a place to park," he explained.
A speeder said that he and his wife were trying to have a baby. "My wife is ovulating," he told the officer. "I have to get home right now."
An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."
A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."
"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."
When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."
One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."
An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tree TroubleA logger went to cut down a tree. He used his ax a fewtimes, yelled "timber," and the tree fell. Thenchopped for a while on a second tree, yelled "timber,"and that tree fell as well. He went through the sameprocess with a third tree, but the third tree wouldn'tfall over. So he tried a chain saw, and thenexplosives, finally he called in a "Tree Doctor." The doctor checked out the tree, thought about what todo for a minute then finger-signed "T-I-M-B-E-R." Thethird tree finally fell down. The doctor explained to the lumberjack that thisparticular tree was Deaf.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
California Department of Transportation's drivingschool:Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossingthe road?A: What for? He can't see my license plate.Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach afour-way stop at the same time?A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumpersticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?A: Your car.Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if youcould no longer drive lawfully?A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.Q: What are some points to remember when passing orbeing passed?A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she iscute.Q: What is the difference between a flashing redtraffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?A: The color.Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?A: Heavy psychedelics.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry short folks...A man went to apply for a job. After filling out allof his applications, he waited anxiously for theoutcome.The employer read all his applications and said, "Wehave an opening for people like you.""Oh, great," he said, "What is it?""It's called the door!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Strange Customs...A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the Yukonwho had never recorded a baptism, confirmation ormarriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation bybaptizing and confirming everyone. He also marriedevery beaming couple that walked by.Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe hadnever had so much fun. The bishop asked the chiefwhich part they enjoyed the most."The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "Weall got new wives!"
Monday, October 31, 2005
hUMOR For Oct. 31st
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Speeding Excuses
Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the officers' favorites. By the way, none of them worked.
A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there," he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was not only dead, but in a advanced state of decomposition.
A man was doing 70 mph on the shoulder of I-95, avoiding the bumper-to-bumper traffic. After a third of a mile, he was stopped by an officer. He jumped out of the car, brushing off his pants, and told the cop he had dropped a cigarette on his lap. "I was looking for a place to park," he explained.
A speeder said that he and his wife were trying to have a baby. "My wife is ovulating," he told the officer. "I have to get home right now."
An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."
A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."
"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."
When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."
One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."
An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tree TroubleA logger went to cut down a tree. He used his ax a fewtimes, yelled "timber," and the tree fell. Thenchopped for a while on a second tree, yelled "timber,"and that tree fell as well. He went through the sameprocess with a third tree, but the third tree wouldn'tfall over. So he tried a chain saw, and thenexplosives, finally he called in a "Tree Doctor." The doctor checked out the tree, thought about what todo for a minute then finger-signed "T-I-M-B-E-R." Thethird tree finally fell down. The doctor explained to the lumberjack that thisparticular tree was Deaf.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
California Department of Transportation's drivingschool:Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossingthe road?A: What for? He can't see my license plate.Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach afour-way stop at the same time?A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumpersticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?A: Your car.Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if youcould no longer drive lawfully?A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.Q: What are some points to remember when passing orbeing passed?A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she iscute.Q: What is the difference between a flashing redtraffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?A: The color.Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?A: Heavy psychedelics.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry short folks...A man went to apply for a job. After filling out allof his applications, he waited anxiously for theoutcome.The employer read all his applications and said, "Wehave an opening for people like you.""Oh, great," he said, "What is it?""It's called the door!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Strange Customs...A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the Yukonwho had never recorded a baptism, confirmation ormarriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation bybaptizing and confirming everyone. He also marriedevery beaming couple that walked by.Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe hadnever had so much fun. The bishop asked the chiefwhich part they enjoyed the most."The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "Weall got new wives!"
Speeding Excuses
Philadelphia's Highway Patrol officers hear all kinds of creative excuses that drivers give for speeding. Here are some of the officers' favorites. By the way, none of them worked.
A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because had been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there," he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was not only dead, but in a advanced state of decomposition.
A man was doing 70 mph on the shoulder of I-95, avoiding the bumper-to-bumper traffic. After a third of a mile, he was stopped by an officer. He jumped out of the car, brushing off his pants, and told the cop he had dropped a cigarette on his lap. "I was looking for a place to park," he explained.
A speeder said that he and his wife were trying to have a baby. "My wife is ovulating," he told the officer. "I have to get home right now."
An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."
A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."
"I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."
When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."
One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."
An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tree TroubleA logger went to cut down a tree. He used his ax a fewtimes, yelled "timber," and the tree fell. Thenchopped for a while on a second tree, yelled "timber,"and that tree fell as well. He went through the sameprocess with a third tree, but the third tree wouldn'tfall over. So he tried a chain saw, and thenexplosives, finally he called in a "Tree Doctor." The doctor checked out the tree, thought about what todo for a minute then finger-signed "T-I-M-B-E-R." Thethird tree finally fell down. The doctor explained to the lumberjack that thisparticular tree was Deaf.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
California Department of Transportation's drivingschool:Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossingthe road?A: What for? He can't see my license plate.Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach afour-way stop at the same time?A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumpersticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?A: Your car.Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if youcould no longer drive lawfully?A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.Q: What are some points to remember when passing orbeing passed?A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she iscute.Q: What is the difference between a flashing redtraffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?A: The color.Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?A: Heavy psychedelics.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry short folks...A man went to apply for a job. After filling out allof his applications, he waited anxiously for theoutcome.The employer read all his applications and said, "Wehave an opening for people like you.""Oh, great," he said, "What is it?""It's called the door!"
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Strange Customs...A bishop discovered a tribe of Indians in the Yukonwho had never recorded a baptism, confirmation ormarriage. The bishop soon rectified the situation bybaptizing and confirming everyone. He also marriedevery beaming couple that walked by.Later, the tribal chief told the Bishop the tribe hadnever had so much fun. The bishop asked the chiefwhich part they enjoyed the most."The marriage service," the chief said, smiling. "Weall got new wives!"
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